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She came to see me!

May 11, 2012 - 6 comments

After having a particularly bad anxiety attack in the middle of the night last night (which I usually get about every other night or so to some extent, due to all the stress of handling my mom's estate issues, coping with the grief, and dealing with the PTSD-like symptoms of her death with random flashbacks and panic attacks), my husband got me calmed down and relaxed helping me talk about fond memories. I was able to fall back asleep around 3:45, and for the first time, I had a wonderful, beautiful, realistic dream about my mom.

I was napping on my mom's leather couch, which was in the living room of our old house (which she designed) on the ranch in Colorado. As I slept, I felt my conciousness coming to me from a presence standing near me. I was hearing my name being said in a soft, gentle voice--a voice I recognized. I opened my eyes, blinking in shock as it registered with me that Mom was right there, standing over me, smiling.
"MOM!" I bolted to a sitting position and into her arms as she sat down on the edge of the couch next to me.
"I'm home now. I'm back from the hospital. I have no cancer anymore! It's gone, all of it!"
"Oh, Mom! I thought I'd lost you! I watched you take your last breath," I sobbed on her shoulder. "I'm so happy to see you! I've missed you so much!"
She held me wrapped in her embrace, the side of her head pressed against the side of mine, her hand stroking the back of my hair.
"It's okay. I'm home now. I'm all better."
"I love you, Mom."
"I love you too, Sweetheart."
I could feel the gentle pressure of her arms around me, her breath on my neck and shoulder, her voice in my ear. She looked radiant, my age. Her hair was the beautiful wavy brown I remember it being before it all fell out from the chemo, jaw length. She looked so healthy and vibrant.
I wish I didn't have to wake up from that dream. Those moments were so precious. I'm so thankful for it--I'll never foget every feeling, every look, every word said. This dream was just what I needed right before Mother's Day.

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973741 tn?1342346373
by specialmom, May 11, 2012
Oh my.  You've made me cry.  That was a special dream and maybe given to you by God to help comfort you and give you the hug from  your mama you've needed.  She'll always be with you dear.  She will.  

wishing you peace in your heart.

184674 tn?1360864093
by AHP84, May 11, 2012
Thank you. It definitely was a gift from God to have that dream. I miss my mom so much, I can't even put into words the emptiness I feel in my life without her. It was so good to see her again in as real of a way, a way I can physically sense, as it can get for me now that she's gone.

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by adgal, May 11, 2012
Oh wow. Audrey, this is just incredible.  I'm so very happy you got to see her, and very happy she was able to reassure you she was ok.  What a beautiful mother's day gift you received.  Thank you for sharing this very special moment with us.  What a wonderful women she is and what a wonderful daughter she raised.

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by 29sillygirl, May 18, 2012
This dream will be a comfort to you as you move forward.  After my son was murdered by his father in 2010, I had vivid dreams...not all were like his death was sudden and violent.

I relate to your sadness on Mother's Day.  But when I look at the picture you posted I see a closeness that death can't destroy.  Death is hard for us...but inevitable.  My task after initial shock and pain was to let my son go...he kept sending me signs...butterflies alighting on me especially.

Have you thought of seeing a therapist.  I did see one twice and also talked things out here on MH.  So...keep posting if it helps.  There are many wonderful people here who have suffered loss and can comfort you.

184674 tn?1360864093
by AHP84, May 18, 2012
Thank you. Yes, I am seeing a therapist to guide me through the grief and coping process. I am so sorry to hear about your son. That is awful. I am so sorry. I am glad to hear you still find signs from him. That is beautiful.

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by Piparskeggr, May 18, 2012
That's a wonderful vision to have.

In my faith, our mothers (grandmothers, great grandmothers...) become guardian spirits who are always there watching over us.  They can (and do I believe) will let us know they are there, let us know they still love us and that they are just where they need to be now.

On the night before Winter Solstice, we celebrate Mothers' Night in my faith way.  Every time since I started observing it (over 18 years) I believe I see my great grandma Burke standing there, watching as we give thanks for the mothers of our families...

They are there for us, how could love not be?

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