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"but..." Prayers (probably a reprise)

May 15, 2012 - 5 comments

And then there are "but" prayers... " Your will and not my will be done, Lord, but...".

Some years ago, my new husband was paralyzed in a small, freak twist of fate.  It was at one of the happiest, healthiest times of his life...  After losing a wife of 42 years to an excruciatingly drawn out cancer, he had financial security and a new wife who loved him unreservedly, had recently retired, and was realizing dreams while pursuing much-loved activities among many friends.  It happened suddenly and was physically painless... the doctors held out no hope for recovery and he sadly resigned himself to his imminent death and was peacefully prepared for it.  

I prayed the above prayer, telling God how much I needed my husband.  God sent clear miracles, twice these occurred instantly following my prayer, and hubby walked out of that renowned medical center two weeks later.  There were many pleased doctors but none who were proud... they knew they couldn't take the credit for what had happened (though it *was* surgical treatment  that made it possible, they told us three  separate times that he would not survive or would be permanently paraplegic).  

Over the next nine years: he was injured again, resulting in more serious surgery, major infection of the wound, and additional debilitating surgery resulting in loss of fine motor control and sensation in his hands; numerous medical conditions (including rheumatoid arthritis and COPD) which had previously been merely uncomfortable became much worse and troubled him greatly, causing pain and labored breathing and reducing the number of things he could do; he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and went through radiation treatments and was put on a permanent form of chemotherapy which robbed him of much manliness; he became severely depressed as one by one every activity he enjoyed became impossible for him; he became progressively weaker and sicklier, and finally was diagnosed with lung cancer... at which point he gave up and died days later in a state of exhausted terror.   Over that time our finances were devastated, consuming even a large inheritance I received, and after he died I had to sell our house.  

Had I not prayed a "but" prayer, my husband would have died in comfort and I most likely would be living in my own home instead of a rented room.  

Our love was beautiful, and I was supremely blessed to experience the love of a man who cherished me.  They were the best eleven years of my life.  I was never sorry for my sake that God answered "yes" to my prayer, only for my husband's sake am I really sorry.  If I'd been told in advance that I could experience such love but that it would turn out for me this way I would have chosen to do it anyway, for my sake... but for my husband's sake I wish I had not prayed a "but" prayer.

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535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, May 23, 2012
Awwww Katrinka I only just spotted this having been on 'paid' vacation for nearly 3 weeks ..I am sorry how hard that must have been for you to lose someone like that then your home ...that 'but' word   I know

675347 tn?1365460645
by ginger899, May 23, 2012
I am so sorry that you had to go through this trouble and pain. I am also very sorry that your husband had to suffer with cancer like this. Mine did too. He had very aggressive prostate cancer which spread to his bones. That poor Soul bore his Cross towards the end so very bravely.
But I feel they are ascended now and are safe from our Earthly suffering and are in their true Spirit Home.

We don't need to "tread on eggshells" around God, you know. God knows our innermost thoughts and the state of our Hearts. He knows what we mean, even before we know it. He doesn't worry about a stray "but"
Some things have to follow Nature's laws though. It seems cruel, and unfair that any good Soul should have to suffer. It seems strange that sometimes there are miracles, and sometimes not. We cannot understand it, we can't know the mechanism.
It is not your fault.

1462810 tn?1327360449
by katrinika, May 23, 2012
Nonetheless, I'm more conscious of when I say, "All yours, Lord." and then take it back in the next breath.  Chuck Swindoll's radio broadcast today: "The problem with a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1) is that the sacrifice keeps crawling off the altar."

675347 tn?1365460645
by ginger899, May 23, 2012
Yes I know what you mean.....but it only worries you because you have a true Heart. Even though you have suffered, God sees that in you.

1462810 tn?1327360449
by katrinika, May 23, 2012
Yes.  He'd led a good, long life.  I just wish he hadn't been through so much misery... and, to be truthful, that I had a home.

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