May 15, 2012
And then there are "but" prayers... " Your will and not my will be done, Lord, but...".
Some years ago, my new husband was paralyzed in a small, freak twist of fate. It was at one of the happiest, healthiest times of his life... After losing a wife of 42 years to an excruciatingly drawn out cancer, he had financial security and a new wife who loved him unreservedly, had recently retired, and was realizing dreams while pursuing much-loved activities among many friends. It happened suddenly and was physically painless... the doctors held out no hope for recovery and he sadly resigned himself to his imminent death and was peacefully prepared for it.
I prayed the above prayer, telling God how much I needed my husband. God sent clear miracles, twice these occurred instantly following my prayer, and hubby walked out of that renowned medical center two weeks later. There were many pleased doctors but none who were proud... they knew they couldn't take the credit for what had happened (though it *was* surgical treatment that made it possible, they told us three separate times that he would not survive or would be permanently paraplegic).
Over the next nine years: he was injured again, resulting in more serious surgery, major infection of the wound, and additional debilitating surgery resulting in loss of fine motor control and sensation in his hands; numerous medical conditions (including rheumatoid arthritis and COPD) which had previously been merely uncomfortable became much worse and troubled him greatly, causing pain and labored breathing and reducing the number of things he could do; he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and went through radiation treatments and was put on a permanent form of chemotherapy which robbed him of much manliness; he became severely depressed as one by one every activity he enjoyed became impossible for him; he became progressively weaker and sicklier, and finally was diagnosed with lung cancer... at which point he gave up and died days later in a state of exhausted terror. Over that time our finances were devastated, consuming even a large inheritance I received, and after he died I had to sell our house.
Had I not prayed a "but" prayer, my husband would have died in comfort and I most likely would be living in my own home instead of a rented room.
Our love was beautiful, and I was supremely blessed to experience the love of a man who cherished me. They were the best eleven years of my life. I was never sorry for my sake that God answered "yes" to my prayer, only for my husband's sake am I really sorry. If I'd been told in advance that I could experience such love but that it would turn out for me this way I would have chosen to do it anyway, for my sake... but for my husband's sake I wish I had not prayed a "but" prayer.