May 29, 2012
Oh no! Not you again! What do you want? Why are you here? I don't like you. Go away!
These are my thoughts every time I look into a mirror.
For about 2 months now, I have been having some problems. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm dizzy all the time. My vision is blurred (even with my glasses on). I'm short of breath. I can't focus on anything. I feel like I'm dying. I've been having heart palpatations. I hear and see things that others don't. I'm irritated and loose my temper easily. I'm always tired. I can't keep my house clean. I feel like there is no end in sight. This started off with just feeling like this once or twice a week. Now it's every day, for most of the time I'm awake. I've been to the emergency room once because I just couldn't catch my breath. I thought I was dying. Apparently I am under too much stress. I am having anxiety attacks. This isn't something new to me. When I was a junior in highschool, my best friend shot himself. Shortly after his death, I was diagnosed with depression and had anxiety attacks often. With help from medication and a therapist, I was able to move on with my life. Today I am no longer on medication, am married (going on 7 years now!), and, until about two months ago, have led a pretty normal, happy life. I just don't understand why the anxiety attacks are back. Maybe it's not anxiety. Maybe it a tumor growing on my brain, causing havoc on my body. Maybe it's schizophrenia. I do hear and see things that noone else does. Of course, schizophrenics don't know there's something wrong, do they? I know, maybe I've died and I just don't realize it yet. Maybe I'm a ghost, trying to be human. Or maybe this is just a dream, and I will wake up soon and go back to my normal life. I just don't know. You're probably thinking, just go to the doctor and get help. Well, what if I do have a tumor in my brain? I sure as hell don't want to know about it! What if the doctor tells me I'm just crazy, and that it's just something I will have to get used to? I don't know if it would be better to know what's wrong, or if it would make things worse. I do know that my husband thinks I'm crazy, my kids hate me, and half my family thinks I'm weird. I can't be the only one going through this. That's what I keep telling myself anyways.