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Pregnant..but having marriage troubles..

Nov 29, 2008 - 10 comments

Well I found out on Wednesday that indeed the 8th IUI cycle has worked. We are pregnant. However, my DH and I have been having some problems. We got into an argument on Sunday and he spent the night by his mom's. He hasn't been back since. The only really time I have seen him this week is when he came with me to Thanksgiving. He said that if he didn't want to make this work he won't have gone to Thanksgiving but he keeps talking about getting divorced. One minute he's talking about us buying a new car after winter and the next breath he's talking about the baby and how we are going to have to figure out custody. He's had a rough past and has been married twice before. Last week he made the comment to me on how he's afraid to be home because this is when the other marriages went bad and if he wasn't home he wasn't going to be there to ruin ours. However, this past week he's been telling me that he isn't happy and that we've been stressed and we never do anything but work and work. I told him that we can work on things. We've been through way to much together to not. I haven't talked to him now in about a day. I've hardly spoken with him all week. He did go with me to both of my blood tests this week but that is about it. He said that if he had to make a decision about our relationship right now it would be that he wants to split up. I can't believe after all this time trying to have a baby that when we finally get pregnant this happens...I miss him and wish he'd come home and be happy about this baby and be happy and start fresh. To make matters worse I'm already having morning sickness and I haven't really eaten anything all week. I couldn't keep my turkey down on Thursday either. I think I've already lost 5 lbs and I know this isn't good for the baby.

I thought when we finally got to this moment that we'd be happy and go out and celebrate instead of staying home and crying because my husband isn't sure if we can survive all the past stress that was in our relationship. Hopefully he comes home soon and we talk this through. He's the type of guy that keeps all his feelings to himself until he explodes and then he won't talk to me until he's ready to talk. I just hope it's sooner rather than later. Each day that goes by that he doesn't come home makes me more and more worried that maybe this isn't going to work.



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561451 tn?1257479950
by ashiepooh, Nov 29, 2008
Well, I'm sorry your going through this.  Losing weight in the first trimester is really common, I lost 18 lbs in my first trimester with this baby.  I'm still under weight.  Vitamin B-6 helps with nausea.  One 100mg pill a day!  =)  Also, try to eat small snacks like saltines and sips of water it should help to keep food down.

As for being pregnant CONGRATS!!

I know what your going through must be rough!  Right now, I know this is easier said then done, but let him have his space, and concentrate on you and the baby!  =)  He will come around and talk like you said.  I hope everything works out for you!

550546 tn?1249413639
by Avanaar, Nov 29, 2008
I'm so sorry that after all the trouble you guys went thru to get pregnant that all this stress is happening with your hubby now!  I'm sure a lot of his feelings stem from going thru all these medical procedures with you ... worrying about your health, baby's health, all the finances that come with lots of medical stuff.  Perhaps the best thing for you to do is go to a counselor together.  Or at least find a mediator (like a pastor) where you can both talk about your feelings openly.  

It's a lot harder for men to talk about what they're feeling.  My DH always feels like he has to be strong for us and usually it's when he's had more than his fair share of emotional overload that he breaks down and talks to me.  

And as for your morning sickness, like Ashiepooh said, it's normal to lose some weight during the first trimester.  But as long as you try to eat small meals thruout the day ...even if it's just a few crackers... baby will be fine!  Also, if you're taking a prenatal vitamin, try taking it at night before you go to bed.  A lot of the times if you take it in the mornings, it can make your nausea worse!

377493 tn?1356505749
by adgal, Nov 29, 2008
My DH is also the sort of man that keeps his feelings bottled up, unless I really force the issue.  We have been trying to conceive for over a year now, and have miscarried 4 times.  The stress of first ttc, then the losses, all the Dr.'s appoinments, etc. also created some strain, and we were fighting more then normal for awhile.  We also decided that we loved each other very much and wanted to make this work.  Here is what I suggested, and he agreed to it.

At least one night a week, we shut off the TV and telephones.  That is communication time.  Our agreement is that the other does not interrupt while one is talking and that no one behaves in an accusing matter or defensively.  It doesn't really matter who's feelings are right or wrong, or even justified. What matters is the feelings themselves and that we have to be open and honest.  It has worked wonders for us.  It took him a while to really be open, but I found out all sorts of things....he was very distressed about what the losses had put me through and he had felt really helpless as a man, as his natural instinct is to try to "fix it".  When he can't, he gets frustrated, and that can lead to lashing out and anger.  I discovered I was so completely wrapped up in ttc, I had been neglecting him and his feelings/needs quite a bit.  I cannot tell you how much this has helped.  I am wondering if your husband would be open to the same sort of arrangment?  When you can get them talking, its amazing the things you discover.  The key is to really listen, and even if you don't agree with what he is saying or feeling, to recognize that they are his feelings. He needs to do the same.  Barring that, do you think he would be open to marital counseling?  We did pre-marital counselling, and this is a tool we took from it.  Unless there is something more serious happening, such as abuse, cheating, addiction, etc. communication, or lack of is the number one reason couples get into trouble.  We also need to understand that individuals communicate in different ways, and be open to the fact that they may not express themselves in a way we necessarily understand.

Ok, that sounded like a lecture, and I truly hope its not taken that way.  I obviously don't know all the dynamics of your marriage, but wanted to let you know something that worked for us.  I cannot tell you what a difference it has made.

I am so sorry your going through this right now, and I truly hope all works out for you.

393893 tn?1283554830
by jjsh44, Nov 29, 2008
I am so terribly sorry your dh is being so difficult. It seems all men have trouble talking about how they feel.  My dh does as well, but when I want to talk I push it.  He always feels better afterwards.  Men's brains are just wired so differently than ours.  We like to talk and work things out right away. They think if they disappear the problem or problems will disappear also when in fact they get worse because they are not being dealt with.  I am not trying to be mean but this was real sh**** of him to do this.  Why couldn't he tell you the timing wasn't right before you went through with this last iui?  You guys are supposed to be a team.  Him running away will not fix anything. I am so sad for you.  This should be a joyful time for you, not a stressful one.  Please don't take this the wrong way but I feel he is being extremely selfish.  I hope he comes to his senses and that everything works out ok.
On a lighter note, congratulations on your bfp!  That is wonderful!
Take care and lots of love to you

294043 tn?1354211546
by Helen72, Nov 29, 2008
I am so sorry this ttc journey is costing you your marriage.  Like jjsh said, I wish your dh was more mature and supportive of you especially right now, when you need his support the most.  If he is not prepared for fatherhood, he should have told you before.  I hope you can work things out soon so that you can enjoy this pregnancy.

When I had morning sickness, I drank lots of smoothies; most of smoothie places can add extra protein to your drink as well which you need.  However, do not worry about losing weight.  Your baby always gets what baby needs from you.


585875 tn?1323658105
by Ingy77, Nov 29, 2008
Oh sweetheart i feel for you this is meant to be a happy time for you both... What is he thinking?????
He sounds scared but if you can let him know that its not like his other marriages and he won't ruin it,  you keen to work these little things out.... He should put all these things aside and be there for you especailly around this time your first trimester, and your first!!!!!

Take care of yourself. Big Hugs

419990 tn?1228262726
by nevaeh222, Nov 30, 2008
Thanks for all the support ladies. He called me last night and said he's coming home this morning so we can talk. I think he's honestly really scared to lose me because we couldn't have a child. He's also scared because he has 2 daughters from a previous marriage that he hasn't seen or heard from in 7 years. He wants to be a father and I think that's why he acts the way he does when we do the IUIs.

I just hope everything gets straigthened out today and we enjoy our BFP!!


562884 tn?1279635934
by kikicoates78, Nov 30, 2008
((HUGS))

419990 tn?1228262726
by nevaeh222, Dec 01, 2008
So DH came home yesterday and said he wanted to work it out. Well 10:30 pm rolled around and he came into the bedroom and said it's too soon, he needs more time. It just didn't feel right to be back home yet. So he left again. Told me he was coming home today..but he didn't. He came and got some things again. Still saying he wants to split up. Last night was weird though because he was saying how we're going to get a new car and get another car seat for the car and finding out what it is and planning a baby shower and finishing our basement..and the next breath he says the "D" word. I'm sooo confused. We talked today and all he said was that he made up his mind. He wants to seperate. Then he tells me he's going to stay at his friends house until we figure out what's going to happen....

It just isn't making any sense to me? Why does he say one thing and then a totally different thing the next??


393893 tn?1283554830
by jjsh44, Dec 01, 2008
Oh dear.  I really really don't want to sound mean.  I feel that you are way too easy on your dh. It seems (from what you have explained) that you have been very understanding and open to him needing time and then coming home, on short notice and it seems like this may be repetitive.  This is such a hard situation for you to be in right now.  His actions are worrisome to say the least. I think you need to stand up for yourself, this is not what marriage is about.  I know it is hard to do but you have a baby on the way!  You should take care of you and your little bundle coming into this world.  I don't know why men are so difficult sometimes but you certainly don't deserve or need this going on in your life right now.  Your not crazy, he's not making any sense.  I'm wishing you the best, take care

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