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Hangin in there

Dec 03, 2008 - 2 comments

Well this chemo is never dull.  I never know how I will feel from one day to the next. And sometimes I'll be feeling good and it goes down hill fast!!  I'm still so nauseous most of the time.  When I went for chemo last Friday I had lost another 2 lbs from 2 weeks ago.  I can't lose any more,I'm down to 108lbs. I had to see my primary Dr. yesterday and bless his soul was quite alarmed with my current situation. He asked me several times if there was anything he could do to help me...and then he actually waived his fee!!!  He spoke about God and putting more of it into my life.  He wants me to try to eat more...well that is what everyone wants right now..but it's just not happenning for me.  I have another friend also on Navelbine,she isn't sick but she has lost her appetite as well.  I'll see the Onc on the 12th of Dec. and see what he thinks.  My PCP was talking about marinol...but i told him my Onc has already addressed that and I will soon get a RX for that as well. I'm also trying to take a nausea med around the clock whether I'm sick or not...I'm not sure if it is helping yet..but it sure is making me tired  as we all know phenergan does.
   Thanksgiving was a beautiful day...my son and grand daughter came with his fiancee..what a great surprise for me...I was speechless!!  I have some good pics that I'll post soon if I can.  They stayed for 5 days..I was feeling pretty miserable because of the chemo,but when I felt better we went and did something!!  I did not over do it at all.  I just wish they didn't have to see me so sick.  I can see their scared for me.  I'm scared for me!!!  Especially my weight..my PCP told me I look emancipated...gee thanks DOC!!!!!  Oh well at least Christmas is coming (my favorite time of the year) and I know it will bring me out of this small depression.  
   My Mom finally got to go home last Sat. and she took my "Baby Girl" home with her.  I know my sweet little puppy will give lots of love and in return I know my Mom will take good care of her.  I will miss my Mom,she did so many things for me.  I was spoiled while she was here.  But I can understand she misses her pets and her personal items.  I just wish she lived closer to us...but 6 hours isn't all to bad.    Well I'm done for the time being will keep more up to date if I can.  I'm off chemo until Dec 12th so that is a very good thing!!~~~~~~Joanne

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678455 tn?1260567189
by bcppc, Dec 03, 2008
Joanne,
I am so amazed by your strength! It blows me away you even have the strength to sit so long at the computer and write...But I am glad you do, I love to read all the posts here. You all still give me strength and it is my hope that I can Give Strength back to you...when I was as sick as you in 2006, I didnt know about this website or any other support on the internet that could help me....I am glad we can be here for you to help you get thru the days.
I am so glad you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with your son and granddaughter....I Know seeing my grandson always cheered me up to.    
Believe it or not Joanne, I too was emaciated and malnourished from the chemo at one point....if you see me now, you would say, "that lady should lose some weight!"--I weigh a whopping, healthy 165 lbs!!......(I hope that made you laugh & give you some hope for YOUR future)
  Before my debulking surgery in Dec 2005, I weighed a healthy 141 lbs...but that is alot for me, since I am short, I am only   4 ft 11 AND 3/4 in.tall.    
   It seems I lost my appetite too just before surgery and then it just slowly over the course of  3 months got so bad, I only wanted ice cream!  My doctor told me to eat whatever I wanted and eat as much of it as I could... I even hated to drink water...the chemo affected my taste buds and appetite....everything tasted like wood or cardboard.  I could only stand to take 2 or 3 bites of food and I was done!  I hated the way it tasted and felt in my mouth......
    so from Dec 5, 2005 to May 2006,  I got down to 98 lbs!!!  
I have one picture where I was at my weakest and most skinniest I've ever been..I think the picture is here in my profile.. I'm laying on the couch with my grandson in a pink scarf  and all you see is eyes and teeth!   But I was smiling cause my grandson Abel is my SUNSHINE!
  I guess what I am trying to say Joanne is that there is hope you will get through this time...I did!  it wasnt easy, and I thought that time would never end....I spent 4-5 months isolated and alone in my moms house just laying on the couch...I can't believe I came back from that "valley of death"...I can work some now, and I am living in my own apartment again.  
  I can taste food now!  I am enjoying it way too much though! but its ok...so please get some strength & hope in my letter to you.  

yes, Pray....if you can't just tell God, you leave it in His hands...HE is the true Physician and He knows  your Heart.  He does know what His plans are for each of us.  Everything in HIS time...that helps me too when I don't get my way.
  When I was sick from the chemo and the ascites in my belly, I was Mad at God...I wouldn't pray...every night my mom would kiss me goodnight and tell me she loved me, and "don't forget to say your prayers Ana"  just like when I was a little girl......But I would be a good daughter and say OK Mom, I will......but as i walked away towards my room, I would start to shed tears cause I was in so much pain.  And I would lay in bed and just cry alittle because it hurt too much to cry real hard...And I would ask God to stop my suffering...I was too mad to pray...even when I was in the hospital I would turn away the chaplains and nuns who would come and ask me if I wanted them to pray.....The only prayer I remember praying was just telling God " I leave my life in your hands, my life is your will, not mine"........but now that I know what I know, it was my Pain talking and blinding me from praying.   Now I am always praying and asking God to Forgive me for not praying then.  
  Cherish the things and Memories that make you happy...keep making plans & Goals and looking forward to the future!
every goal you make is a big accomplishment...thats how I try to get thru everyday!
  Today my goal is to just get thru my workday...I only work 4 hours but in retail...customers are testing my patience & I am trying my best to serve my customers.
   Be Blessed and Take care...praying for you and
Looking forward to more of your daily journals and progress.
  Love,
Ana
  

Avatar universal
by everydaymatters, Aug 26, 2010
hi there everyone, yes it is good to put our trust in god. we truly are powerless, but i can honestly say i have felt so peacful through my cancer journey. it started about 21/2 years ago, i had mastecomy and i have secondaries in the bones and  now ascites in my stomach which has to be drained about every 2 weeks. which i have had about 18  now. but i feel truly blessed because some of the people i have met on my journey have sadly died, at least ive been given this extra time.i actually feel happier than i have done for a long time, dont ask me why.i make the most of each day, which maybe i didnt do before. anyone keep fighting everyone, nice to chat to you hope we can get to know each other more. god bless x

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