Reference : Sanity Check
Location : Brisbane
Result : Dont ask
Image : Insane Clown Posse are so my band right now, aural violence
Ok so today. Yeah. About today.
I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes from fellow traveller Stephen Fry.
"As I say I don't want to kill myself, I just wouldn't mind dying"
Or to sum it up perfectly a quote from Adrian Edmonson as Eddie Hitler in Bottom
"Well Oh **** Really!!
Attempting to be funny never works for me. I guess maybe its easy to laugh because its harder to cry, at least I find it hard to cry and I dont have a handy drawer around to slam my hand in so I can fake it. Funny thing emotions, I can scream and shout and laugh but cry. Hard to do. And right now I'd sort of like to cry a bit. Well a lot
Id like to climb into my safe coccon and go numb for a while - I get what Pink Floyd are talking about there.. Comfortably numb. Nice concept (and a song I use to calm myself in panic and anxiety attacks) after all who would not want to be numb.
Dear Diary today I was an ******* and made my wife cry. Well thats a good entry for any future autobiographer to read. It was not intentional apparently I woke up today and it started from there.
Forensically speaking yesterday was my Birthday, average in most respects, father and I still to have a frank exchange of views but that will come sooner or later (one suspects later as he will now act mature and avoid me for a month which makes sense as he has spent most of his life avoiding me - as this will be posted as journal on medhelp for all to read (screw privacy unless my boss finds it but even then :P - my father worked in oil exploration most of his life; and again now; and as a child he was the man who came home every month or 2 for a couple of weeks and then went away again leaving my mother to raise 3 boys on her own 1 of which had severe ADHD and co-ordination problems (guess who?) and she was bipolar and had MS and SLE (not that we knew then). We spent years at a stretch in different cities and towns and then finally settled down when I was 10.
Thats nice for a kid who moves all the time. Course I had no idea how to make friends. Still dont, never did work it out. People tend to find me intense or weird. Go figure.
My dad and I did not have a relationship beyond that until I was 15. He then decided to leave his job, move us to home from the city to a small country town and live there. Bye friends I had made, by stability hello fun and oh btw sent me off to boarding school. Miserable doesnt cut it - I hated it, I was a straight A student who suddenly struggled to get C's and ended up repeating final year to get Uni marks which was pointless as the money wasnt there in a recession to go to uni and study law..
So to say my father and I have a history is an understatement. However we have been very close until now, the problem is my stepmother, no shes not evil I like her but she gets her own way and dad wont stand up to her - likely she isnt even doing it deliberately hes just weak willed that way, mum did it too a lot looking back.
Not now. Hey what a mess. Lets add that to the list.
Things that are a mess in johns life right now (the semi definitive list)
- Mental Health - batshit crazy I suspect certainly depressed and sometimes manic
- Physical Health - diverticulitis symptoms back. Check. Colon and Bowel issues. Check. gout. Check
- Self Image - weight gain after working so hard to lose it. Check.
- Marriage - Uhh yeah
- Family - both sides - umm anyone got a spare nuke?
There has to be something good out of this right now? Im thinking. Well hey Billy Joel was just incredible, thats good, I got Rolling Stones Shine A light on DVD which is good (actually its freaking awesome if you like the Stones) and I got an espresso machine for my birthday which means self medication is good.
i need space to think. I need something. Some LSD might be nice but it would be a baaad trip and id probably turn into Hunter S Thompson or something.
I bet this makes no sense. Try being me.