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I just wouldn't mind dying

Dec 07, 2008 - 2 comments

46080?1228671813
Reference : Sanity Check
Location : Brisbane
Result : Dont ask
Image : Insane Clown Posse are so my band right now, aural violence

Ok so today.  Yeah.  About today.

I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes from fellow traveller Stephen Fry.

"As I say I don't want to kill myself, I just wouldn't mind dying"

Or to sum it up perfectly a quote from Adrian Edmonson as Eddie Hitler in Bottom

"Well Oh **** Really!!

Attempting to be funny never works for me.  I guess maybe its easy to laugh because its harder to cry, at least I find it hard to cry and I dont have a handy drawer around to slam my hand in so I can fake it.  Funny thing emotions, I can scream and shout and laugh but cry.  Hard to do.  And right now I'd sort of like to cry a bit.  Well a lot

Id like to climb into my safe coccon and go numb for a while - I get what Pink Floyd are talking about there.. Comfortably numb.  Nice concept (and a song I use to calm myself in panic and anxiety attacks)  after all who would not want to be numb.

Dear Diary today I was an ******* and made my wife cry.  Well thats a good entry for any future autobiographer to read.  It was not intentional apparently I woke up today and it started from there.  

Forensically speaking yesterday was my Birthday, average in most respects, father and I still to have a frank exchange of views but that will come sooner or later (one suspects later as he will now act mature and avoid me for a month which makes sense as he has spent most of his life avoiding me - as this will be posted as journal on medhelp for all to read (screw privacy unless my boss finds it but even then :P - my father worked in oil exploration most of his life; and again now; and as a child he was the man who came home every month or 2 for a couple of weeks and then went away again leaving my mother to raise 3 boys on her own 1 of which had severe ADHD and co-ordination problems (guess who?) and she was bipolar and had MS and SLE (not that we knew then).  We spent years at a stretch in different cities and towns and then finally settled down when I was 10.  

Thats nice for a kid who moves all the time.  Course I had no idea how to make friends.  Still dont, never did work it out.  People tend to find me intense or weird.  Go figure.

My dad and I did not have a relationship beyond that until I was 15.  He then decided to leave his job, move us to home from the city to a small country town and live there.  Bye friends I had made, by stability hello fun and oh btw sent me off to boarding school.  Miserable doesnt cut it - I hated it, I was a straight A student who suddenly struggled to get C's and ended up repeating final year to get Uni marks which was pointless as the money wasnt there in a recession to go to uni and study law..

So to say my father and I have a history is an understatement.  However we have been very close until now, the problem is my stepmother, no shes not evil I like her but she gets her own way and dad wont stand up to her - likely she isnt even doing it deliberately hes just weak willed that way, mum did it too a lot looking back.

Not now.  Hey what a mess.  Lets add that to the list.

Things that are a mess in johns life right now (the semi definitive list)
- Mental Health - batshit crazy I suspect certainly depressed and sometimes manic
- Physical Health - diverticulitis symptoms back.  Check.  Colon and Bowel issues.  Check.  gout.  Check
- Self Image - weight gain after working so hard to lose it.  Check.
- Marriage - Uhh yeah
- Family - both sides - umm anyone got a spare nuke?

There has to be something good out of this right now?  Im thinking.  Well hey Billy Joel was just incredible, thats good, I got Rolling Stones Shine A light on DVD which is good (actually its freaking awesome if you like the Stones) and I got an espresso machine for my birthday which means self medication is good.

i need space to think.  I need something.  Some LSD might be nice but it would be a baaad trip and id probably turn into Hunter S Thompson or something.

I bet this makes no sense.  Try being me.


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Avatar universal
by bernie40, Dec 07, 2008
Makes sense to me :-(  

You made a good point in your journal "why is it so hard to cry" - I find this to, everything can crumble around me but the minute the tears well up I clamp my jaw switch off my brain and go to "numb land" - so how come I can't do that for all the other emotions???  

I really hope that you manage to get hold of either your old psych or your new one tomorrow.  The level you are at right now just can't be maintained and I'm very worried about you.  That mirtazapine doesn't seem to be helping you at all.  Try not to worry about your weight right now (easy to say bloody hard to do I know), that can be put to one side, you can deal with that when things are a little better.  You've lost the weight before so you'll be able to do it again.  Get yourself to the GP to get your gastric problems checked again - do you think it could be the mirtazapine causing it or just the fact that you generally feel **** right now

Hugs for you

Avatar universal
by LeftCoastChick, Dec 07, 2008
Monkey,
You've been pretty insightful when helping others, and you are with yourself. It takes a lot of courage to figure your **** out. Like Bulldozer said, get ye hence to a pdoc, or at least a GP, so you can get stable again. It totally blows to drop so badly in moods, and looking at your tracker, being just okay isn't okay, coasting *****.  I've done that for the most part of 10 yrs.  I would suggest getting into talk therapy, I came from a messed up family and was one angry person until I was about 30, mad, resentful, unable to cry (really hard for me too) You don't need to still carry that on your shoulders. Free yourself, it ain't easy, but when you are stable, you can do it!  Stay away from listening to music which can make you feel more intense, not saying to listen to elevator music, but when I was bottoming out I was listening to a lot of Damien Rice, not good when your low. Fight the good fight, and you'll get through it. Hugs Jane

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