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Determined to start this "NEW JOURNEY"

Dec 26, 2008 - 1 comments

I have in my mind that I WILL shake this problem.  Today I am actually suffering from a cold and feel like ****.  Guess God is foreshadowing my CT days that are coming soon!  I am excited, but yet scared!  It seems that since I have been introduced to pain meds...... for some reason I have become a wimp, when it comes to being uncomfortable.  I used to handle pain soooooo well.  The meds have caused me to "FREAK OUT" if you will, when it comes to the thought of hurting!  These pills have also caused me to OBESS about being depressed.  Its like I constantly think about being scared.... about being depressed.  Not sure if this would make since to anybody else, but it is crazy how the meds will "mess" with your mind!

I never though that I would feel better journaling my feelings, but I have felt that I have let go of a lot of things by doing this.  The people that I have met here in this room have been my saving grace!! I thank GOD for leading me here!  I know I am gonna do it this time!!  I will stay off of this **** forever!  JANUARY 28th is getting closer and don't think it can get here fast enough!!  

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710395 tn?1249139651
by kevzx81, Dec 31, 2008
Hi Hope, what you say here really stirs my memory. I remember so well the day I realised that I was not only depressed but depressed ABOUT being depressed! What I also remember are the several occasions when I developed illnesses when about to take challenging steps in my life. I re-unite with my father- 2 days before meeting him, major stomach bug. I book into counselling- sciatica starts up. I dont believe this stuff is coincidental, I believe its a manifestation of fear. Its as if our subconscious is offering an escape route to not confront an issue by manufacturing an illness. I appreciate this is speculation.
Something else that the Tram brings back from those days is the fear of discomfort or pain. I think thats why I feel so determined to get off Tram asap, it wants to kick me back down, back to a time when I was much weaker. The not able to get out of bed type weaker you talked about earlier.

I so agree, the jump off point cant get here soon enough for me either. I find myself resenting every dose during taper.

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