Dec 28, 2008
I am on vacation from school and I CANNOT STOP SLEEPING. I am not felling really depressed, but every day of my break I've been going back to bed, back to bed, back to bed.
I was so looking forward to break to do a lot of artwork, read. I'm learning to knit.
Going out too I guess, but I don't really have anyone to go out with. My links with a new crowd have broken. They may be repairable, but I'm a bit loathe to call begging for companionship. The last time I got turned down by somebody who later apologied, but I haven't heard from her since. I feel ,What's wrong with me?? Why are they rejecting me? What did I do wrong? I know these aren't all the thoughts I could be having about these people., but this is honestly how I feel about it. Rejected - which is my greatest fear
And when I say sleeping, I mean sleeping, not just lying in bed hiding from the world. Went to bed the other day at 8:00 pm planning to get up at 5:00 w/energy and do something then I could even take a guild-free nap early.
But I coulden't stop snoozing my alarm clock. I got out of bed about 10:30 am and sure as **** I went back to bed w/inan hour or so. And then I actually fell asleep.
I've lost track of the days I was magnetically draw to my bed this last week.
I don't understand this ability to sleep for hours and hours. I've had little motivation to do any of the fun stuff I planned. I especially don't want to leave the house. And my concentration for reading is no good.
Look: these all sound like classic signs of depression. But I don't mood-wise feel that bad.
This is P*****me off. I want a life!! I want to do what other people do.
I ran out of one of my meds for a few days about 10 days ago. I finally got all my meds filled and took them.
But I confessed to a friend about what happened. I feel like I'm being judged for doing in on purpose. I didn't. I just got down and didn't want to do anything. It happens sometimes that I run out of meds. I feel misunderstood when I tell this particular friend.
No one understands this illness (but thankfully here people do).
I'm not sick on purpose.
I didn't stop doing my classwork on purpose.
I'm not sleeping my break away because I'm lazy.
And I'm not even feeling so globally down today. I've been up form 3 hours today.
Writing is supposed to help...so I'm writing today - taking advantage of my mojo.
FROM PM WITH JOURNAL-Y CONTENT:
(You've had a crazy Christmas, it sounds like. I avoided shopping and shopping, but only had one bad moment of not having gifts for some people. Bipolar-wise I feel normal, but real-world-wise I feel less than others for not having my stuff together. I couldn't keep track of the days. I hate shopping, too, although I like to give gifts. Can't win that one.
Spent time with friend's families for the holidays and it was nice overall, but I still felt the outsider and I'm sick of that. I was treated just fine, but I've got no family of own anymore. My girlfriend came into town to spend Christmas day with her mom and I joined them. Her mom is a difficult person and gets my friend all riled up.
For a couple of hours we sat at my house and I tried to make it Christmasy for her while we had drinks. But it wasn't the usual fun time because she complained about her mom and family the entire time. My efforts to redirect were not successful.
At least I don't have a totally upseting family. )