Dec 30, 2008
It's 10:09PM right now. I went to bed earlier, even took an extra dose of the medication I use to help me get to sleep, yet I'm wide awake; albeit exhausted. I just can't seem to get to sleep tonight, and it seems as though everything is going wrong.
I'm extremely anxious tonight, and my mind is spinning with all sorts of horrible and negative thoughts. After laying in bed for well over an hour, I decided to get up and mix up some mile and kahlua. As I was getting out bed, my dog (Lassie - yest she's a collie!) looked up at me and started wagging her tail. I laid down on the floor with her for several minutes, petting and talking to her. Then, out of the blue, comes the most depressing thoughts. I started to think how much I'm going to miss her when she dies; it will be an unbearable loss.
Lassie and I have been together for several years, I got her when she was just a puppy (the first dog I ever had as a puppy) I've also had Lassie longer than any other dog (I have had several other dogs, but had to get rid of them when I moved). Lassie and I have built up a bond that is indescribable. She's my best friend, and the thought of losing her brings me to tears. Lassie is still young and in good health, so there's no reason for me to believe anythings going to happen to her. But still, I know that the day will come, death is inevitable. I don't think I could go one living with out Lassie.
While I was crying in despair another thought came to mind; what about my parents. Again, they are both in good health, but it's just the knowledge that they will one pass away.
I have already suffered through so much. I often think about killing myself just so I won't have to deal with the loss of anyone, but that's selfish. I'm in pain, both physically and emotionally, and I just can't take or handle any more pain.
The kahlua is starting to make me tired, so I think I'll try going back to bed.