All Journal Entries Journals

Emotional Trials

Jun 27, 2012 - 1 comments

So last night I was talking with my daughters mother as we usually do because we have remained secret friends since her marriage and will always share a bond that nobody else will ever understand.  She admitted to me that She was having an affair before we broke up while I was in treatment.  For some reason this really struck me hard and I was really upset and did not know how to sort out my feeling at first but I was def angry but then the more I thought about why I was angery I was starting to become less angry.  

In our relationship at the end I had no clue she was cheating on me til the end when she left me for him within a day , within a week she was moved in, within 2 months they were having a child.  I was left with no choice but to move on.  I remember those days being very dark and the pills were the only thing that made me happy.  I was guilty because I felt everything was my fault, we originally broke up and ended it after I let her read my journals, with every single nasty detail, she is the only person ever to do so,  she could not accept the worst of my personality, all my lies, my secrets, manipulations, she saw into my mindset and saw how wrong she was about me.  I dont blame her for leaving, I dont blame her for having the affair, maybe I do Blame her, but either way it still happened and there is nothing I can do about it.  In the end I ask if what I have to show for it is worth the pain and betrayal and the answer is YES it was worth every tear, because in the end what gave me the strength to get help and become a better person was my babygirl, my Bambina Jazzlyn Renae.  She is the brightest little 3 yr old girl in the world and she melts my heart away with love.  I live for her now, not me.  I dont drink anymore, I am at the end of my methadone taper, I have bad habits still yes like everyone, I smoke pot still, but I dont know when I am stopping that , The methadone needs to come first.  It has been the best worst thing that has happened to me, it showed me the life of a legal methadone junkie, people that live their whole lives going to a clinic and becoming a number in a system that dispenses a ritualistic dose every day.  That dose becomes that persons life, some take taxies, some carpool.  People know why they are their and openly deal drugs around hallways in the clinic and in the parking lot.  some really want help but many are just taking advantage of a insurance provided drug abuse.  Some argue that its better than a heroin addiction, I would agree but that does not mean it is not a different animal of addiction all itself.  
Since I started my methadone program on Feb 17 I have not used or abused Ophiates less for one slip up where I found something in my dads car that I thought was an OC but that was a mistake obviously.   I know my habits, triggers, and know I cannot do this alone.  the cost of this knowlege was more than someone not addicted to drugs could ever know.  People openly nodd off and fall asleep at the clinic, they are so High they cannot function, they are walking zombies and ignore or dont realize it.  I was falling asleep at work everyday for 2-3 hours no joke, I would fall asleep in important business meetings with important people in my company, SLeep Apnea was how I got away with it.  I Do actually have it but I know that is not the real reason I was not able to fully perform my job.  The Methadone was the soul factor.  I gained 40 lbs and stopped working out, got depressed, never went out, came home every day I was on methadone and slept my life away, every day for almost three months.  Now I am down to 35 mgs and my outlook on life is feeling better than every before.

Its like finding out last night that I was not the soul cause of the destruction with my daughters mother and the void put in my family; she was just as guilty, it was her fault too.  She deserves to take half of my guilt and I believe she has.  She still struggles, my habits affected her too much for her not too, she drinks a lot from what I gather and still occasionally takes pills.  One time a couple years ago we mistakenly and by coincidence met each other in the same parking lot for waiting for the same dealer and both lied to each other about it.  I didnt know that til later when she decided to tell me she knew after I admitted one of my relapses to her.

Tomorrow brings more sunshine even if its raining

Post a Comment
3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Jun 27, 2012
thanks for writing, someday you will become clean from bad drugs, in control, for your baby girl Jazzlyn Renae, do it properly before she's old enough to remember, i love being clean although i do indulge in herb every once in a while, so what as long if it doesn't bring you back.  my son would rather see that than booze or prescribed or hard drugs, it;s no big deal,

you'll be helping your baby moma when you're clean and be able to get into another healthy relationship, if you want help with your diet goals i'm using and have lost 18lbs in as many days. Tomorrow brings more sunshine even if its raining xxx Liz

Post a Comment