Jul 11, 2012
It's been awhile since I last journaled. I'm doing better in handling the depression and PTSD and find that I'm having fewer and fewer bad days and more positive and motivated days. It's still been difficult for me to talk about or think about my mom without feeling sad, lost, lonely, and angry though.
Yesterday was a decent day, however. I was at my counseling appointment and telling my therapist about some good, funny memories of my mom, and smiling and laughing about it. At the end of the session, she pointed out to me that that was the first time she'd seen me speak about my mom with a smile and not focus on the loss and anger. That kind of stunned me--I hadn't realized that it had taken me so long to get to such a point.
It's hard to believe she's been gone 3½ months now--nearly a third of the year--yet to me, the memories and heartbreak of losing her have haunted me every day, as if it all happened a few hours ago sometimes. But the days are getting better, I've realized, as I'm not stuck in those awful memories most of the day anymore, but rather, I'm finding myself at more peace, as if she's still present somehow...just next to me, in a way...I don't know, and focusing more on the happy memories or just being content in that feeling of having her presence nearby, if that makes any sense. I mean, I don't believe she's a ghost following me around, but it's more like the connection, the bond we shared, is still accessible to me and is just as real as her physical presence. I'd much rather prefer her physical presence, but...that's where the struggle is still difficult to handle for me because I can't have that anymore. I can't hear her voice or feel her touch or interact with her, and I miss that terribly. But at least I'm not having nearly as many episodes of anxiety attacks induced from the PTSD and feeling hopeless about my life's future without her anymore. I know that's progress and I'm grateful for it.