Jul 18, 2012
It is always far too long before i decide to check in with Med Help. This place is fantastic and has helped me out so much. However long term abuse of pharmacological substances unfortunately has many severe side effect, like memory and mood. I keep findig sites about harm reduction, I am really just using them to see how high I can get, got not much interest in safe usage. That said however, just recently I have had the desire (strong desire), not just a fleeting desire because of the guilt trip of going on a huge crack ad tablet binge leaving me more or less bankcrupt.
I am now, slowly and surely getting thorugh the viscious circle of addiction and having prioritised money and made absolutely sure that as soon as i am paid, rent is the first thing. i still have a roof over my head thanks to God for that. My faith is getting stronger and my belief in a miracle not to far in the distant future. The desire to be clean is now there. A big step or what, once the desire is there, things are a little easier, even if i go hungry for a few days, i still have my home. Small victories, still strugling with the secondary priorities, like gas/electricity and finally food. These last 3 are the toughest. I t means that once these priorities are adhered to, there is not enough money left to go on a bender, which are now few and far between.
Recently I have just closed myself off from the world, falling in to an ever deepening state of despair and depression. I should be happy. This is the very nature of addiction, more downs than ups, gradually though as i reduce and stay clean for longer periods I now have reason to rejoice and who knows in a month or two i will be in a better placedespair