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Scared and angry

Jul 18, 2012 - 5 comments






Today I am angry at myself for not having the strength to quit!  I want to quit taking these damn pills that are running my life.  All I do is obsess about them rather I'm counting them to be sure I have enough to get me through or I'm searching for my next fix or I'm trying to get the funds so I can make my next purchase.  Ugh!  And last night I got in a screaming match with my hubby who doesn't know I'm addicted.  It was a big ugly fight that resulted in us sleeping in different bedrooms.  I said some horrible hurtful things and I wish I could undo it all and take back everything I said.  In all honesty he was in a grumpy mood after work and I think that's what started it but he works so hard and just like everyone else, he deserves to have a bad day and be in pissy mood post work.  I should have just let it go rather than totally over reacting.  Ugh!  I wish my life had a delete or undo button.  I'm such a jerk.  I want to be done with this.  I have a huge famly trip this coming weekend and I don't want to go through w/d during that yet I also have a big Europe vacation at the end of next month.  I need to quit before to give my body time to adjust or make sure I have enough pills to get me through while I'm there.  I hate this and I'm beginning to hate myself.  I reached out to one doc online and requested an appointment (even gave my insurance info) but I never heard back.  I tried twice more but nothing.  I'm too scared to just call their office.  Oh I wish I had the strength and courage to quit.  I want to quit before it's too late and I ruin my marriage, lose my job or hate myself so much I do something stupid.  

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by Fireby29, Jul 18, 2012
Hi.  I can relate to what you are going through.  I cannot encourage ou enough to quit now and start claiming your life back.  Even when I was detoxing, which you tell yourself you have the flu pretty bad, I felt so much better to know I did not have to count pills, deal with appointments and in general obsess about pills.

Flu happens right?  Do not let trips etc, delay you.  You will enjoy Europe more knowing you are on a path to healing yourself.  Let me know if you have other questions.  You can do this!


Avatar universal
by Shelly3577, Jul 18, 2012
I'm so sorry you're struggling.  It's a huge decision that only you can make.  I'm with Bryan - I think you'll enjoy Europe a lot more if you're not worrying about pills, much less about how to get them through airport security! lol

Hugs.  You'll know when enough is enough.

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by ImDONENoMore, Jul 18, 2012
You made three phone calls and gave up?  Come on - you can do better than that.  To do this, you have to take that first step.  You CAN do this.  Time to make another call....and another if need be, and another.... whatever it takes.

Avatar universal
by dawn1965, Jul 18, 2012
I'm also counting down and afraid, currently down to 3-4 perks a day. Never when higher, but i also count and I'm concerned that i might leave the home and forget my daily dose. I did good today , i did not take my second pill until 2pm, so i made it eight hours on one pill. I've failed multiple times but i keep trying. Its 9:43 and i'm due at ten pm for my next dose. I'm going to try and do this dose for one week and start cutting the pill.
Don't give up before you start, just keep trying to cut down. Good Luck

Avatar universal
by Vecci4u, Jul 19, 2012
I do relate to you. I have my life together, wife , kids..... But things have come undone... My wife and I are not close anymore, could it be the pills? I spend my life counting pills, making sure I have enough when I go out or let alone a vacation. A vacation without pills, no way!!! Walgreens hates me, CBS hates me or rather they are tired of me lieing and in front of them early refill each month

I don't blame them,... I blame myself for this mess.... Once these pills sent me on a epic journey of super life.... Which was a mirage to super failure... And today I'm spending my day sick again from wd

Vix we gotta get out of this hell

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