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Jan 07, 2009 - 6 comments

WOW, first i realize i have been here a long time and never wrote in the journal..I wish i would have started a long time ago...Well , just thought i would ask for some advice, opinons...I have been going through some pretty rough family, personal issues...I have craved more in the last 2 weeks then ever...I see my counsouler, which is great...But i am not sure if i am getting everything i need right now , to not relapse...I have tried AA, and not that i didnt' like it, just never found my place..Thought of maybe trying again...I have looked for NA here, and there isn't much...This forum and wonderfull friends here help me so much...I just feel i need more lately, and i have no clue what?  Is there anyone else that feels this way ?  I have had paws , and this doesn't feel like it...Hard to explain...I guess i am just afraid...It is definelty a reality check, that i can't let my guard down...anyway i am just venting, or maybe even seeing if anyone can help me?  for anyone who reads this , thanks sooo much!!

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Avatar universal
by gizzy32, Jan 07, 2009
You were due to make a journal, lol. Hey R2R, the fact you realize you need more right now shows your determination in this fight. With all that you have going on right now, cravings are normal and those crazy thoughts of using. Im not sure how many different groups are in your area, but you can always search for a meeting you like. I truly believe the best way to fight a craving is talk about it right away, prepare yourself when you feel that mindset change and seek help just as you are doing now. Im am proud of you and know you will get through this. You can never get too much support.

For you new people here reading this and some of the other posts lately where addicts with significant clean time have relapsed or struggling, learn from this journal and other posts you read. Although it gets so much better and we can live a happy clean life, NEVER EVER think your are cured, it dosen't work like that for an addict, but we can win with help.

Hang in there R2R, you have so many people here that care about you and it's time you get some support for yourself, you always have given it to us. Your a strong women and your family will help you through this the most. This will pass:)

Avatar universal
by BobbyM, Jan 07, 2009
Hello R2R

   Every journey starts with the first step.  Being in recovery for 22 years I have seen a lot of patterns that have led back to using or drinking.  The biggest one is people trying to do this on their own will.  The program is not a social gathering although most of us that stick it out find lifetime friends.  It is a process that until you have at least done the steps, you cannot make a judgement on if it works for you or not.  The primary thing the program accomplishes is teaching us to stay with a commitment.  We are third inning ball players.  Hell out of the starting gate.  But when we are faced with having to do the work it is not for us.  Its called self defeating behaviour.   I was a counseler of many years, and was using and abusing during this time.  Today I refuse to counsel for addiction in a proffesional manner, as I have found its is running interference with a program that works for addiction.  If someone is seeking counseling for another problem that is fine, but when you are working the steps and also getting feedback and direction from a counsler I have found it just does not work.  That is why the program has sponsors.  They work with you through your steps.  There is nothing more disheartening then to be working with someone and have them come back and say their counsler says they feel its not time to do the steps or a suggestion we give as sponsors in AA or NA.  I just let the person go as the person is obvisously going to take the easier way out not doing what they need to.

If you are craving using then you should be where people have hands on experience not book knowledge only of this and have also worked their steps.  Until you work the steps chances are you will never stop craving as you have not yet uncovered, discovered and discarded the things that made you get high to begin with.  In 36 years I have never seen a rehab or counsler be able to accomplish for the long haul what the program does.   A sponsor works with you more than a session, they are there 24/7 for you which we need as we our addiction is way more cunning than even the addicted person is.  Its a process and it does not happen overnight or once a week with a counsler.  It takes focus and like I said commitment to follow through no matter how much you dislike, are bored, or come up with reasons not to do the program.
When you have done all your steps and if you still feel the same way...then we say God bless and we hope you find something that works, we do not have a monopoly on getting clean and sober.  But if you have not at least done your steps there is no way you can say one way or the other if it will work for you.  Its simple, its FREE...and can be really fun.

Good Luck if your willing the teachers will appear if you suit up and show up...

Love Robert

Avatar universal
by road2recovery, Jan 07, 2009

Thanks, here is where i am confused, I have worked the steps, I went to many meeting , I did the rehab....I am just confused i guess...But I appreiciate everything you had to say...Do you think it makes a difference that my counsouler is an addict ?  Are you saying you think she is not the best for me?  
I just don't know...I am thinking of getting my big book out again , and finding a meeting, and try to maybe being more open minded...Thanks ...

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by toxictome, Jan 07, 2009
I have been in recovery for 18 yrs (AA) for alcoholism...     After 14 1/2 yrs. in the program, I chose to self medicate w/ pills.  I knew what the triggers/reasons were surrounding that relapse, but i didn't care to work them out at the time.  I used for 2 1/2 yrs. I have been clean again for almost 1 yr.  I  never stoppped going to AA (because I still had the desire not to drink), which I believe kept me from getting way in over my head w/ the pills. I disagree w/ Robert about the counselor. I have been in therapy several different times for issues that came up that I need guidance with. My therapist NEVER interferred w/ my program....she actually supported it.

Why dont' you see if there are any women's group AA mtgs around your area. I like those the best...but i do go to other mtgs sometimes. I think both mtgs. and therapy are helpful. The AA/NA program teaches us how to live life on life's being HONEST,OPEN and WILLING with ourselves and others. Also, it reinforces  to do the next right thing.  In any given situation I ask myself..."What is the next RiGHT thing to do?"....instead fo talking the easy  or sleazy way out.  

I know that when things are out of MY control....and I do not know what the outcome will be/nor do I have any control over that outcome...the cravings tend to set in because I am feeling feelings that i am not comfortable with.

Remember...Pain is the touchstone of all growth. When things happen I have no control over...sometimes I ask myself..."what am I suppose to learn from this?".....instead of "why did this happen to me?"

Good Luck...I know you will figure it out.

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by nuredshuz, Jan 25, 2009
R2R..Hi I just read this and I wanted to give you an idea..for what its worth...their is a group around here called Celebrate Recovery..It is a christian group,so im not sure where you stand on that. It is for all types of addictions. Its a 12 step program that invites people of all kinds of addictions (doc's) I have a counsler who specializes in addiction and all the surrounding issues. She has recommended that group to me many times. I think if you google it you can find more info on it. just a suggestion...I hope your feeling better lately...Kim

Avatar universal
by teko, Jan 25, 2009
Write down on a piece of paper the hell you went thru breaking that addiction. Remember the feelings that led you to want to break it in the first place.  Do you really want to go there?  Look at it this way, You were not addicted back then, you still are and always will be.  You have to fight this one day at a time probably for the rest of your life, but you are strong and you have overcome, and will continue to do so if you choose too.  And it will get easier as you go, reach out and grab someone and tell them, us you need help, think happy thoughts and do what needs to be done now, to keep you from slipping. I will pray that you will find the right help now, that you may hang on during this time of weakness. Hang on, it will be better. Hugs

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