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Been awhile, again...

Jul 31, 2012 - 0 comments



Panic Attack








hip pain after fall


Trouble Sleeping


blood clot


left shoulder pain

I feel like i'm going down the rabbit hole again. I've been struggling off and on with depression since my grandmother passed away back in 2007. It started with me having all of these physical symptoms and blowing it up into needing to go to the ER  RIGHT NOW. One of my main things was that I had a blood clot. I kept swearing that I had shortness of breath, my left leg was hurting like a *****, etc. Needless to say I racked up plenty of insurance bills. I went on Prozac for about a year, and was better able to deal. Nothing was physically wrong with me. I moved to virginia, and figured many of my triggers lay in Long island so I stopped taking it. I was able to function just fine so I thought. I'm very good at working myself into a respectable crying jag and or panic attack though. So occasionally I still had bouts with thinking I was dying of a bloodclot. My fears aren't totally out of nowhere, there is a family history of clotting issues and heart trouble.

When i was 9 i fell on my hip super hard and limped for awhile. My mother never took me to a doctor because I was able to walk relatively fine. I healed up and got on with life. When it was humid and or rainy it would be sore, and i made jokes about probably needing a hip replacement by the time i'm 30.

Cut to most recently. I had an issue at my house where I had to throw away my boxspring, and because of money problems haven't been able to replace it. I've been sleeping on a loveseat, which while its more comfortable than most, it's SO not ideal. My hip has been bothering me more because of it. Sometimes it pops mid walk very painfully, and it's been happening more and more. Just a little while ago I woke up for no apparent reason, and got a call on my cell phone from my brother and immediately started to freak out about how I was going to be late for work ( i have to be in at 7:30 tomorrow morning, and I just worked an 11 hour day today), when it turned out it was 10 minutes to 8 PM, not AM. Similar lighting I guess? Either way I started to panic, and when I sat down on the couch again I all of a sudden got this super nasty case of heartburn. I have never ever had it that bad before. I just leaned back and tried to calm down and take deep breaths but I just couldn't. I was freaking out too much. I then went on an internet medical search shame spiral and very nearly almost called someone to take me to the ER. I was picturing myself at work tomorrow, on a 14 hour shift, just all of a sudden dropping dead or having a heart attack or something. It was then that I realized what i've been suspecting for some months now - that i'm going down the depression rabbit hole again and that maybe I should make a damn appointment to see a doctor to rule out an actual physical cause before I anxiety myself to death. And probably start taking the damn prozac again.

Got up to have a piece of bread to see if it would help things and my left shoulder started to ache.

Lets be fair here, I have no transportation, and no money for a cab, and no one who can take me.

Thoughts anyone? Am I crazypants? Or legitimately concerned? Or both ? Should I have been sitting in an ER  instead of typing this?

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