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I am so depressed about something good... I don't get it

Aug 11, 2012 - 7 comments

this is a day that I should be happy about.   But, I can't seem to be.  Our daughter and son'in'law have asked us to accompany them to Disneyland on their bill.    I can't seem to be happy about it.

We cannot afford to go on a vacation, as Norm has not worked for the last year, and is fighting worker's compensation and has not yet got an answer.

I just am not ready to be supported by our daughter, though they can afford it, I just don't know what to othink about it.  She wants to go shopping on Rodeo Drive, and such, well I cannot afford to do that., and going with her, she will want to buy for me, and I am not sure of that.  

I have so many emotions going on in me right now, that I fel like I am spinning out of control.

My sister just found out that she does have cancer again, and we are just waiting to find out just how far it has gone.  I love my sister so much, and I don't want anything to happen to her, and I can't even give her a hug because she is in Wyoming and we are here in Victoria......

I jsut want to be there , but can't be , because we can't afford idt.    

Our son in law's brother is dying of cancer, and is in hospital as I type, Norm's sister is still in hospital because of a bacteria infection that she got, and we have to visit her.  She is a widow of 4 years, to a hubby that died of brain cancer.  

My hubby had something show up on her scan on his adrenal gland, and they are watching it , and will do another scan in 4 months.  I just can't even imagine what will happen if it turns out to be something.  

This all sounds so trite when I type it, but my head and heart are going in so many directions, that I can't seem to think.  

There are people dying on this forum, and I could not post this there, so please forgive me for just being a coward and doing a journal post instead.

I sometimes wish that I was not here, and could just poof, and be gone.  But, I know I cannot do that.  I just don't know what to do now..... I do see my Dr. Blashko on Monday, and will talk to him about my feelings, but, I just needed to write them down.  

I know this is a phase that we all go through, and I don't know if the Copaxone is working, and I feel that it is not, and I'm scared about that.  I tried to come off Gabapentin, and got down to 1500mgs. and I could hardly walk, and that was a scarey awakening.  So, we are notw back up to 3000mgs.  and don't know where we go from here.  

Everyone says, " oh , you look good", or "you look Fabulous"   , but inside I feel like I want to jump off a bridge.............


I can't affoard to go to California, but I can't afford to offend our daughter and son in law either...... and our son/wife will not understand how we can swing this.  It will cause some commotion in our lives, that we have worked so very hard to fix over the last 4 years.  We now get to see our grand babies on our son;s side, and I don't want to jeopardize that. ......

So, many things going on in my mind.........

just don't know what to do with it all.................



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987762 tn?1331027953
by supermum_ms, Aug 12, 2012
I was thinking 'oh god' whilst i was reading this, then I read "This all sounds so trite when I type it" seriously you've got enough going on to pull up the covers and hide out, its enough for anyone to feel overwhelmed!

I dont know about your relationship with your daughter but maybe the right thing, would be to do what you want to or whats good for you right now. Its perfectly alright to let her know, how much you appreciate her thinking of you but concidering everything thats going on with everyone, the timing isn't right. There isn't anything wrong with telling her, that your not in the right frame of mind to enjoy your self at the moment, so its probably better if you go with them on their next trip.

Be brave and speak your mind!

HUGS............JJ

1979418 tn?1432135441
by jenphilly, Aug 12, 2012

Okay, gonna type this as if you were my best friend sitting in front of me...

Were you a good mom, were you good parents you worked your butt off giving your kids everything they  needed to do well in life???    Did you sacrifice and go without so daughter could have what she wanted or follow a hobby or take trips with school???  

I seriously doubt your daughter thinks she is supporting you...  she is only wanting to take you for a time to get away from all the problems and burdens of life you are dealing with.   This is her way of saying thanks mom for all you've done for me, now let me spoil you.  

No one can tell you if its right or wrong to go...  its totally your choice, but think about it...  a positive, happy experience might be just what you need to life your spiritis and renew your belief in positive thinking!

I hope you really consider going, from the sound of your email, you and your husband could use with family time that is positive and happy.  

Now after talking to you like a best friend sitting next to me, consider yourself hugged :)

Jen



572651 tn?1530999357
by Lulu54, Aug 12, 2012
I would Jen in her challenge that you need to be good to yourself.  Perhaps this daughter wants to build some happy memories for herself as well?  Family dynamics can be difficult and I am sorry you have to deal with competing siblings. The solution to this is not going to be simple.

TRITE?  Not at all and I am glad you took the time to share.

Hugs, L


1168718 tn?1464983535
by candy158, Aug 12, 2012
thank you all so very much for your kind words.  Jen, yes I have had a fabulous relationship with our daughter, and she with her Dad.  It is great that we have that especially since all the trouble with our son and his wife.  

Yes, we did sacrifice ALOT for our kids, as I'm sure you all did to.  Raising kids in the 80's was not an easy tack, but we did it., and do look back proud of both our kids and their achievements.

But, as I say that, the competion still goes on.  My hubby says to just look at the positive, and let's get on with it.  Well, all said and done, that would be EASY................... but, I just can't do dthat, and I am so very overwhelmed, that I can hardly feel anything.  I don't seem to have emotions at all right now, and my symptons are back, in full force.  

I know stress can briknd this on, but I don't know how not to do it.  

I am going to my physcristrist at t MS clinic tomorrow, and maybe he can shed some light on this too.

I do hope so., cause I just want to feel good again, and not to have all this going on.  But, life is what it is, and I know that, but, for some reason I just can't feel it right now.

Love you guys, and thanks again, to all,
Candy
xoxox


572651 tn?1530999357
by Lulu54, Aug 12, 2012
CAndy, I can so empathize with you because we have the same type of situation with our two, but it is the son who has it together and the daughter who has her moments of still struggling.  Ihope the therapist will help tomorrow and get you on the path to feeling better.  Its tough enough to deal with one or the other, but the emotional and physical turmoil can leave our worlds upside down.

we love you, too!


1979418 tn?1432135441
by jenphilly, Aug 13, 2012

Candy -

I am so, so proud that you are reaching out for help at the MS Center.  That speaks huge volumes to the fact that while everything in your body may be off kilter, in heart, you know its not okay and not how things should be.   It takes a very strong person and a true fighter to reach out for help on their own.   Wish I was there to give you a hug and encourage you on.  You made the best decision you possibly could with making that appointment.  

I hope he has some direction start you and your want to feel better and enjoy life, enjoy the wonderful family you raised that wants to pay honor to all you've done for them...  that want is the foundation for anything a doctor can do.

There is nothing silly or trite about any of this and again, I am so wonderful of your strength to take that first to becoming happier and restoring the balance...

Huge hugs!!!

jen

1168718 tn?1464983535
by candy158, Aug 15, 2012
Thanks you guys, heh, I did go to the physcristrist on Monday,  and he was and is quite easy to talk to.  So, he did up my Zoloft to 125mgs. now, and I go again in October.  

I am no longer on amitriptyline, as it just reacted with me.  He did give me an option to go on Welbutin,
or Remeron, and I was not thrilled with either of them, so opted for 25mg raise in my Zoloft.

I'm still concerned about how I will be in Disneyland.  I don't want to be a damper on our daughter/son-in-law, as they are fitting the bill.  So, I'm hoping that we can babysit instead, and give them some time for each other.  

I am having a exhausted day today, and I don't really know why, so went back to sleep and slept for 4 more hours.  I am still in my jammies, and still tired.

I am trying to be positive, but somedays it is hard, and the heat now makes me crazy, so am wondering about California, and will I live in the hotel instead.   ( oh well, still getting away, and my hubby seems ok with that) ..



Hubby is going to tell our son and daughter-in-law about the trip, so I don't have to feel that I need to give any explanations.  ( hoping that will work), and hope that it goes well, and we are not taken away from grand babies again.    ( please pray) ...

Hugs to all,
Candy


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