Aug 11, 2012
this is a day that I should be happy about. But, I can't seem to be. Our daughter and son'in'law have asked us to accompany them to Disneyland on their bill. I can't seem to be happy about it.
We cannot afford to go on a vacation, as Norm has not worked for the last year, and is fighting worker's compensation and has not yet got an answer.
I just am not ready to be supported by our daughter, though they can afford it, I just don't know what to othink about it. She wants to go shopping on Rodeo Drive, and such, well I cannot afford to do that., and going with her, she will want to buy for me, and I am not sure of that.
I have so many emotions going on in me right now, that I fel like I am spinning out of control.
My sister just found out that she does have cancer again, and we are just waiting to find out just how far it has gone. I love my sister so much, and I don't want anything to happen to her, and I can't even give her a hug because she is in Wyoming and we are here in Victoria......
I jsut want to be there , but can't be , because we can't afford idt.
Our son in law's brother is dying of cancer, and is in hospital as I type, Norm's sister is still in hospital because of a bacteria infection that she got, and we have to visit her. She is a widow of 4 years, to a hubby that died of brain cancer.
My hubby had something show up on her scan on his adrenal gland, and they are watching it , and will do another scan in 4 months. I just can't even imagine what will happen if it turns out to be something.
This all sounds so trite when I type it, but my head and heart are going in so many directions, that I can't seem to think.
There are people dying on this forum, and I could not post this there, so please forgive me for just being a coward and doing a journal post instead.
I sometimes wish that I was not here, and could just poof, and be gone. But, I know I cannot do that. I just don't know what to do now..... I do see my Dr. Blashko on Monday, and will talk to him about my feelings, but, I just needed to write them down.
I know this is a phase that we all go through, and I don't know if the Copaxone is working, and I feel that it is not, and I'm scared about that. I tried to come off Gabapentin, and got down to 1500mgs. and I could hardly walk, and that was a scarey awakening. So, we are notw back up to 3000mgs. and don't know where we go from here.
Everyone says, " oh , you look good", or "you look Fabulous" , but inside I feel like I want to jump off a bridge.............
I can't affoard to go to California, but I can't afford to offend our daughter and son in law either...... and our son/wife will not understand how we can swing this. It will cause some commotion in our lives, that we have worked so very hard to fix over the last 4 years. We now get to see our grand babies on our son;s side, and I don't want to jeopardize that. ......
So, many things going on in my mind.........
just don't know what to do with it all.................