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Back up by 7:30

Jan 11, 2009 - 0 comments

Last night was hell!  Not the REALLY bad hell that you go through the first few nights off of Tram, but it was a baby hell I guess you could call it.  I didn't get much sleep.  In between the chills and the sweats, I couldn't stop moving in bed.  So I took a bath after I posted my last entry.  I was able to get back in bed by 3 am and fought the hard fight to stay there.  I feel like I need way more sleep, but it's not going to come with how I'm feeling right now.  I don't do too bad once I'm awake, but let me fall asleep and all hell breaks loose!

I've gotten off this evil pill before and all I can ask myself is why did I take it again?  Why did I keep doing this to myself?  I seriously thought my life was as good as it could be while on it and then when I didn't have enough pills to get through until my next bottle, I went through a day or so of hell until I could get my hands on it again.  Reading the journals and posts on here made me see that the grass might just be a bit greener on the other side.  The side without Tramadol.  

I have officially not taken any Tram in 24 hours.  I don't even know if that's good or bad at this point. I'm past the point where I was in really bad pain from not having it, but the other effects are playing with my mind.  My head seems less fuzzy, but my stomach is sick and I'm still dealing with diarrhea (even with the Imodium), but I don't know if it's really anything that I can't deal with.  If I really think abou it, if I had just the flu, I'd be kind to myself and roll with the punches.  I think I'm expecting too much out of myself too soon.  Maybe that's why journaling is really helpful for me.  I can go back and read where I was just a short time ago and I can compare if things are getting any better or not.  

I'm truly mostly affraid that I will never get my mind totally recovered from this.  Right now I'm having the hardest time remembering simple things that happened just a few days ago.  I hardly remember Friday (it's now Sunday), but I know some how I got through it.  I really want to scream at everyone that I need a fricken "time out" and for people to understand that this isn't something you pull through in just one weekend.  I still want to be in bed as much as I can and to rest, but I know the rest of my family doesn't understand this situation.  I'm not sure if I fully understand it.  It is terrible to try to sleep, but if I'm awake I love being in bed.  I long for the day when I don't need to be in bed for most of the day...



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