Jan 11, 2009
I tried to stay busy this moring with getting things done around the house. Laundry, dishes, this and that, but my physical withdrawal symptoms only seem to be getting worse. I have sat down and decided that I need to devise a better tapering plan. My human nature wants to do it all at once to just get it over with, but after having a major break down this morning in front of my husband, he helped me to see that a more gradual taper would probably be better. I am the kind of person who just wants to get it ALL over with and to move on. This damn pill isn't going to let me in my current condition. I'm going to do 1/4 of a pill a day (if possible) for a few days and then see where I'm at from there. Yesterday gave me so much more hope because I took 1/3 of a pill the whole day and seemed to cope well until I finally went to bed. Then all hell broke loose.
My mind is playing tricks on me right now. It keeps saying crazy things that I know sound so silly to anyone who might hear them. I truthfully don't know who I am without these pills! For the last 5 years of my life I have relied upon them to get me through it all. If I had to go to the grocery store I'd pop a few extra just to get me through it and then home to put all the **** away. If I had a family function or any other kind of thing that required something of me that I thought I couldn't give, I took extra. So here I am thinking to myself, what am I going to do now? How do I move on and find something that will help me, not hurt me?
I think I'm thinking too much! I hate this!!! I want it to be over with and to feel like I truly have won this battle, but for right now, I can't say that and it scares me. It's not a craving (I don't feel like I have to go down one all the time) for them that I'm feeling, it's the physical withdrawal from them and THEN the devil starts sneaking in and making me ask all of these questions about myself. I truly feel like I'm going crazy right now! And the crazy thing is that in an other 20 minutes I might not ever feel this way. I hate the randomness of this drug and what happens when you try to get off of it!