Jan 12, 2009
Well folks, I have to say that I am very thankful it's Monday! The hardest part of going through this at home detox thing is having my family have to witness me like this. All I can think about is how it must look to them and what a failure I feel like I've been as a wife and mother. For the past 2 years, I have gone down lower and lower on these pills. My memory is not what it should be for a woman of only 34 years old. I've been in a fricken pit! Over these past few days I'm starting to see a bit more of the woman I once was come back. It's exciting, but scary at the same time because I want to be free from this right now, but I know that this is a process I MUST go through. So, having my kids back at school and my husband back at work is a weight off of my shoulders. I am trying to remind myself that I am my own worst enemy and that they do love me, but I still feel sooooo ashamed at what I've become. Having them see me like this is terrible, but they all have been so loving and understanding. I feel really blessed, but still ashamed I let it get this bad.
I'm happy to report though that I was able to stay in bed all night and not have to take 2 or 3 hot baths in between. I don't know how I got so lucky. I took that stinky Valerian with my usual Tylenol PM and I think it did help a ton. My biggest w/d symptoms are still the hot flashes and cold sweats. The night before last I was freezing!!! Last night I was too hot. I long for the night when I can finally go to bed without either of them bothering me. I am still sneezing all of the time! I read someone else post that they were sneezing too. I wonder if this is a common symptom?
This morning I took my 1/4 of pill and I'm reminding myself that this is a smarter way for me to be getting off of this poison. I am pretty sure that I could have NOT taken it and have done pretty well today, but I'm trying to stick to this taper program and make it work. I have faught several time with the thought of just flushing the rest of them and being done, but then the other thoughts come in and tell me to take it one minute at a time. I have only had a few moments during the worst of my withdrawals have I even thought of taking an other 1/4 of a pill to make the symptoms go away. Then I think, look how far I've come! My pain is SO much better off of them! How can this even be? I have wasted so many years on these stupid pills thinking they were helping me. I pray that by this time next week I can finally be almost done with them. In the next day or so I will cut my 1/4 again and go from there.
Today I have to leave the house to do a few small errands. I want there to be a time when I can go out into the world again with my head held high and not feel like everyone knows the hell I'm going through. I want to be able to smile again and feel like people don't know my dirty little secret. How silly it must sound to some people, but like I said, I am my own worst enemy. I'm the one judging myself 24/7! I know everyone has their own demons, mine just happens to be an addiction. I think there are so many other people out there dealing with some kind of addiction and we just don't know it, or we are so wrapped up in our own that we forget that we are all human.
So, I'm off to "attempt" to get in the shower and get my stuff done so I can get back to the comfort of my own home. Just incase I have some kind of anxiety attack or feel over whelmed. I'll be back here to settle down before my family gets home. I hope!