Jan 14, 2009
I knew I had to actually go to the grocery store today and it wasn't going to be easy. I had been taking my hubby along with me to help me push the cart and deal with the every day stress of people in general. That was back when I was still on the tramadol. Today I'm not on the tram and I didn't have hubby home to go with me. I HAD to go! I just want to say that it was a total nightmare!
I felt well prepared mentally before I ever went in. However, as soon as I was out of my car and into the parking lot I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. I nearly turned aroud and got back in my car when the first person happened to look at me. What is up with that? Every shopping cart and person seemed to be coming at me like the Night of the Living Dead! I felt like I couldn't walk fast enough to get away from people. Every isle I turned I could hear a shopping cart on my @ss and I would start talking myself down from the anxiety. People must have thought I was crazy!
I took a list with me, but do you think I could even make sense of any of it once the stress hit me? Nope! I forgot half of the things on my list and by the time I got to the check out I was almost crying. I was praying hard and hoping no one was noticing what a fricken wreck I was. AND THEN...the lady 2 carts in front of me "fogot" something and had to go back for it. THEN it was the wrong thing and she went back again!!!! What the @#ck? I wanted to start screaming by then at everyone. I was mad that I was standing there in pain and having withdrawal sypmptoms while everyone else seemed to dance around the store without a care in the world! I was MAD!! I was so cold and sneezing by then that I could hardly get my stuff up on the belt to have them checked.
Okay, I'm better now and I am home curled up with my heating pad, laptop and then I had a good cry. All I can keep asking myself is if it's ever going to be any better? Will I be productive again? How am I going to do this if I have anxiety all the time when I leave my house? I must do more reading here on this site to help me know more about what the future holds.
So, back to attempting to treat myself right. I know I wouldn't be expected to go any place when I've had the bad flu and don't have any energy, so why am I expecting myself to be full of energy now? My body is still dealing with so much. Next time I'm going to just wait until my husband gets off work to go. There was yet an other lesson learned here today.