Aug 23, 2012
Tonight I feel tired and numb. Is hard to believe that my life may be cut short by cancer. Is harder to believe that I may never feel truely healthy again. I use to take health and energy and life for granted. I wish I hadn't. I wish I had of made more of what I did have. I guess still have to a degree. Is hard to live and not stress when you feel that death is behind you waiting to tap you on the shoulder. Game over. What a waste. my life has been one nightmare after another.
Maybe I will feel better once my drain is out and I don't feel so weighed down by that and the constant reminder of ill health. I wish I knew how to process all these thoughts and feelings.
I feel angry at my doctor for not taking my concerns seriously. Your swollen lymph node is benign. Yet it and others are cancerous. ?? How can you be angry at someone who has supported you through some difficult times? And let you down in others.
I guess on an emotional level I'm not coping well with surgery or the diagnosis. Haven't even had that conversation with the surgeon yet. Have just read the histology report and had discussions with several other doctors.
Surgery feels like I have been cut up and stitched back way too tight. It's a bit like a body and diagnosis you can't escape from.
I just feel confused. Writing helps to get some perspective.
My family haven't even hugged me and said that things will be alright. I'm finding cancer a lonely place (to live and to die). That's pretty morbid but that's where I'm at tonight. Tomorrow I will probably delete this.