Jan 17, 2009
A rough night and morning. I had a flare up of my pancreatitis. It was the worse one in a long time. I did have to utilize some medications but I did not have to go to ER. Praise God. Tommorrow is our 24th anniversary. We did live together 3 years prior to that. I spent time reflecting on how we have managed to make it thru so many crisises. I learned to develope coping tools that some may think was crazy. When my hubby was drinking and acting crazy, driving, fighting, etc. I would worry so much about how I would survive if he was kille or worse yet kill someone else. I would mentally go thru the steps I would take it that happened. I would visualize who I would call first, who I would help me thru all the things one has to do with the death of a loved one .At the end of my visualizing how I would handled things I knew that I SURVIVED. My biggest fear in life was that I could not deal with the big issues life gives us.
I have always wanted to be a nurse. I study, did clinical and did all the things required to become a RN. My whole life was my nursing. I identified myself as a nurse and a caring,compasionate nurse. When I got my letter this week from my employer syating I needed to find a nonnursing position that will accommadate my limitations I really became depressed. I was able to identify what was going on emotionally. I knew that I had wrapped myself into my proffession. I rec my affirmations from my clients when I was able to help them. i knew that I was able and willing to go that extra mile assissting, investigating, or educate someone that needed that extra attention. When I was able to acknowledge just how much I had relied on my role as an RN to feel appreciated, and recognized as a knowledge compassionate ant professional. I figured out that I should never had let that happen. My focus now needs to be on recognizing my self for who I am not what I do. I need to focus on my God and how he made me with my attributes. I know that I need to keep my focus positive and not let my illness or emplpyment or lack of it decide my worth.