Sep 13, 2012
For all of you that care about what has been going on:
After the first month of Xander's life I started getting really bad PPD. My heart was in pain daily watching my son cry all day and night. I wasn't getting ANY sleep, my husband was working a lot to pay off the money we lost while in the hospital for nearly 3 weeks, and I was just feeling very alone (even though I had SO MUCH support and a loving husband) and also feeling incompetent as a mother.
I know some of you mothers out there can relate but I can't even begin to express how hard it is to have your whole life change in a flash when you have your first child and then on top of that when they have colic how hard and exhausting it is. I cried myself to sleep over and over again for almost 2 months.
I went to my OB and finally expressed my feelings of depression and unfortunately the office therapist was out for another 2 weeks on vacation and there wasn't anything they could do but refer me to an outside source which I could not afford so I have still been dealing with it on my own.
Luckily, Xander has been getting better! We have had some really good days, some middle of the road days (with good and bad moments, and lately very few all around bad days (where he just won't stop crying and screaming).
You know what this means? Happier mommy.
Well, that is not all. Xander for the last 2 weeks has been giggling, squealing, and smiling up a storm. He is 11 weeks / 2.5 actual months and ROLLED OVER LAST NIGHT (belly to back)... TWICE!!! This is an advanced skill for a 3 month old. All of that crying has really made his core muscles strong. We have been doing tummy time since he was born though as well. He can also bear weight on his legs, has great neck control, is starting to make eye contact and recognizes mom and dads face! He is starting to reach for things (toys, hands, and hair) and respond to noises by turning his head.
So it's great to see that despite being 3 weeks early he is hitting his milestones on time or early! It's amazing how just a little smile or laugh has dramatically changed my depression around.
I am no longer crying myself to sleep. Xander sleeps from around 1am - 5 or 6am then again until aroung 8:30am when his dad wakes up to go to work. So we get a little happy baby family time in the mornings before his dad goes to work and then a few hours when his dad gets home.
I know there are a few people on here who are struggling with significant others, family, and ttc. I really pray for you all to have a(nother) child but please please be aware of how intensively insanely hard it can be. I had the worlds best husband and family and friends support system but regardless it was completely overwhelming for me to handle at first. I had ALL of my ducks in a row (sans extra financial security for things my health insurance doesn't cover as i already pay 700 per month for health insurance for myself only) and I still had a really really rough few months. I honestly can't imagine going through this without that support. I wish the best for you all. I am doing much better and every day seems to get easier. Every smile and laugh reminds me how temporary the screams and tears will last and how strong I really am and can be.
With all the love I have to share,
p.s. I hope you all understand how and why I needed to step back from this site. My heart was feeling very heavy and the ppd was making me irrationally feeling bad for you ladies who are trying so much to have a child while I have a baby and was depressed about it. I didn't want to continually complain and I honestly didn't want to spread any negativity. I just wanted to dissapear to get myself back together and feel good about my position again.
p.p.s. we just got back from flying to washington state and back for a week. It was fantastic and Xander was a delightful baby on the plane. YAY (picture to be posted in my pictures)
p.p.p.s. On august 31st at his appointment he weighed 8lbs 15oz and was 21.5inches. So he is still a little guy but doing well.