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Sep 13, 2012 - 8 comments

For all of you that care about what has been going on:

After the first month of Xander's life I started getting really bad PPD. My heart was in pain daily watching my son cry all day and night. I wasn't getting ANY sleep, my husband was working a lot to pay off the money we lost while in the hospital for nearly 3 weeks, and I was just feeling very alone (even though I had SO MUCH support and a loving husband) and also feeling incompetent as a mother.

I know some of you mothers out there can relate but I can't even begin to express how hard it is to have your whole life change in a flash when you have your first child and then on top of that when they have colic how hard and exhausting it is. I cried myself to sleep over and over again for almost 2 months.

I went to my OB and finally expressed my feelings of depression and unfortunately the office therapist was out for another 2 weeks on vacation and there wasn't anything they could do but refer me to an outside source which I could not afford so I have still been dealing with it on my own.

Luckily, Xander has been getting better! We have had some really good days, some middle of the road days (with good and bad moments, and lately very few all around bad days (where he just won't stop crying and screaming).
You know what this means? Happier mommy.

Well, that is not all. Xander for the last 2 weeks has been giggling, squealing, and smiling up a storm. He is 11 weeks / 2.5 actual months and ROLLED OVER LAST NIGHT (belly to back)...  TWICE!!! This is an advanced skill for a 3 month old.  All of that crying has really made his core muscles strong. We have been doing tummy time since he was born though as well.  He can also bear weight on his legs, has great neck control, is starting to make eye contact and recognizes mom and dads face! He is starting to reach for things (toys, hands, and hair) and respond to noises by turning his head.

So it's great to see that despite being 3 weeks early he is hitting his milestones on time or early! It's amazing how just a little smile or laugh has dramatically changed my depression around.

I am no longer crying myself to sleep. Xander sleeps from around 1am - 5 or 6am then again until aroung 8:30am when his dad wakes up to go to work. So we get a little happy baby family time in the mornings before his dad goes to work and then a few hours when his dad gets home.

I know there are a few people on here who are struggling with significant others, family, and ttc. I really pray for you all to have a(nother) child but please please be aware of how intensively insanely hard it can be. I had the worlds best husband and family and friends support system but regardless it was completely overwhelming for me to handle at first. I had ALL of my ducks in a row (sans extra financial security for things my health insurance doesn't cover as i already pay 700 per month for health insurance for myself only) and I still had a really really rough few months. I honestly can't imagine going through this without that support. I wish the best for you all. I am doing much better and every day seems to get easier. Every smile and laugh reminds me how temporary the screams and tears will last and how strong I really am and can be.

With all the love I have to share,

p.s. I hope you all understand how and why I needed to step back from this site. My heart was feeling very heavy and the ppd was making me irrationally feeling bad for you ladies who are trying so much to have a child while I have a baby and was depressed about it. I didn't want to continually complain and I honestly didn't want to spread any negativity. I just wanted to dissapear to get myself back together and feel good about my position again.

p.p.s. we just got back from flying to washington state and back for a week. It was fantastic and Xander was a delightful baby on the plane. YAY (picture to be posted in my pictures)

p.p.p.s. On august 31st at his appointment he weighed 8lbs 15oz and was 21.5inches. So he is still a little guy but doing well.

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1571146 tn?1399909692
by Moma_Cher, Sep 13, 2012
Hi Ash!

Thanks for the update. Glad to hear things are going in the right direction! you are in my thoughts often and I'm just thrilled to read this journal. I'm loving the new pics ;0) Keep em comin!


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by retta483, Sep 13, 2012
O Ash  I wish I could just hug you !!! It does get better I promise you :) Easy in fact as they get bigger you will just have a new set of worries . That part my dear never goes away  . He is so darn cute love the picts ! glad you are getting better I had ppd too with my 3rd took a entire year before I was better . But I got better and had three more children  he was the only one i had it with . With my 6th i diddent get it but I did get anxiety a bit for the first 3 months because i had a 15 month old too and a 2 1/2 yr old with my other kids I had a c section and no help so I got anxiety but I made it !!! they are all alive and well :)

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by leillani, Sep 14, 2012
Hi Ash, good to see you again! Thank you for your pics, your little son is growing and developing. He is a cutie pie! Take yourself the time you need to heal, I have hope it will get better little by little. Hugs, leillani.

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by Carly1306, Sep 14, 2012
Hey Ash,

So happy to hear from you and how you were doing. Xander is such a cutie, that I'm his smiles and giggles just liight up a room, and that's something you need right now. I hope you continue to get better, and get the help you need to overcome this completely. You're an awesome mother, and you have such an amazing family - you're so blessed in so many ways.

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by MeYeah, Sep 14, 2012
Thanks girls. I appreciate all the support. Things are getting better day by day. I am so lucky and bless and I know this... It's just so weird how depression plays such mind games with you. I love my family and friends and am learning to love being a mom. It was sooo hard at first but I am getting good at it and it feels much easier now. It will never be without issues but my life is enhanced because of xander. I can't wait to be able to do all the things I wish I'd have done when I was a kid. We are going to have so much fun with him as he grows up.

My husband is soooo excited it makes me laugh.

You girls are amazing. Thanks sooooo much for always sending encouraging words.

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by JennyB0125, Sep 14, 2012
Hey Ash, I am so glad you are feeling better I was worried about you!!  I am sorry you had such a rough go & I hope the worst is over.  I am glad you are back on here, and want you to know that I am here if you ever need to vent!  Everyone has good & bad days, & I know you are a good mom, so try not to be so hard on yourself.  You are so sweet to be thinking of others thoughts & feeling when you were going through so much.  You are a wonderful person & your MH ladies are lucky to have you on here.  Please keep taking care of yourself & give yourself a break! Welcome back!  Xander is cute & I love the plane pic!!

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by cabayer11, Sep 14, 2012
That's awesome! I'm so happy for you that things are starting to get better. I knew they would. I read somewhere that even if you have a fussy baby for colic or other reasons that it's no testament on how they will be when older. A lot of colicy babies are very happy and non fussy children, so that's awesome. I can't believe he is already 3 months, wow, time flys. How are you feeling physically? I hope you feel healthy that will always help your mood too. Keep me posted. I'm always thinking about you and your new little family addition.

Hugs, Carrie

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by adgal, Dec 26, 2012
Hi there.

I know we don't know each other, but somehow I found my way to your journal.  I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with the PPD.  I went through a pretty bad bought of it myself. Its been almost 3 years and I still struggle with a tad bit of it, but am doing really really great.  It is nothing to be ashamed of, and I think your great for talking about it on your journal.  It's been awhile since you wrote this, and I hope things are better.  It's tough, but it's not because of anything you did, nor does it make you a bad parent.  Just wanted to let you know your not alone, and to wish you all the best.  Your little guy is totally adorable, and I wish you all the best!!

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