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Playing with fire....

Sep 15, 2012 - 1 comments

I have right now the most amazing parents, sibling's, uncle that any girl could ask for.  Everyone will be at my house tomorrow to repair, clean up, and organize my yard, house, my life right?  The best, family.  They know everything that was going on right now.  I've had lots of issue with self harm and a few ok quite a few of life taking attempts and my family knows it (after I hid it for a long time), it was not my choice to tell.  They know that recently on top of everything else I was recently dumped... 6 years with him he basically felt like it was too much and he moved out!  Ok my family consists of 2 dads (stepdad and dad are friends), my uncle (stepdads brother) my brother n law, (and his friends that met a like me like another sister), my dad's friend another big dude!  Oh and my adult son whom lives with me and has some major hate on for my guy that decided we were done.  PLUS my lil sister and eats men and spits the bones out!  So my kids are gone for the weekend I stupidly let him over tonight making sure he knows he has the knowledge that he has to leave in the morning, he thought he could handle it.  I KNOW THIS IS STUPID AND HAVING SEX WITH HIM ISN'T GOING TO FIX OUR RELATIONSHIP!!!!  And bringing booze won't help in the long run.  I NEED STRENGTH TO KEEP AWAY:(

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by sadmomma4, Sep 15, 2012
Oh boy do I need a drink or something right now.  I lay awake with regret and self loathing while sleeps snoring beside me. I knew what this was for him and what wanted it to be we're two completely different things but I am far too stupid to protect myself from all this pain... I think I somehow invite it.  I know early in the morning he's gonna be gone and then he'll come back tomorrow night wanting the same thing, pretending to care about how it made me feel, but going ahead anyhow.  Putting his hands on my body, lips touching the skin on my shoulder so softly then his breath makes me ahiver, baby I miss you, I love you, you know that right.  Dont cry sweetheart this is a good thing.  He's there, see baby this is us again, being one.  Don't cry honey your amazing, this feels good, you feel good.  I'm laying in my own tears and I have nobody to blame but myself.  Are you suppose to bawl your eyes out during sex with your "recent" ex?  And am I this naive?  He can't wait for me to finish because it's just that good, oops I thought you were close, it just feels too good with you...it's starting to feel a little onesided booticall to me!   I am so stupid.  When will I learn?  I don't want to be alone, but I wish I deserved to be treated better!  He wanted to split up so why does he keep reeling me halfway in and then tossing me further back to sea?  Maybe I just hang on because I would never want anyone else to see my body now.  Overweight, stretch marks, but most of all the scars I have created all over my body.  I could never let a man see me now.

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