Sep 20, 2012
I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that Sunday, September 23 will mark six months since my mom's death. Time since then doesn't make much sense when I try to associate it with losing her from my life. It seems like it's been ages--forever--since I last saw her, heard her voice, her laugh, felt her hug me, watched her light up when my boys, her cherished grandsons, were running into her arms to greet her and snuggling up with her. Each day without any of that anymore is like a reminder again and again of her loss, of the last moments I had with her. But then at the same time, it doesn't seem like six months have passed. It feels like this all happened a few days ago. I wish time didn't have to make things so complicated when trying to process life without someone who meant the world to you.
The only comfort I really get is in the dreams I have about her. She's showed up quite a bit lately in my dreams, and at least that way...she's still alive. And not sick anymore. She's so beautiful and vibrant and happy--she looks the way her personality was in life. It's good to never have to see her sick again.
I've had so much going on lately and there's nothing I want more than to just have my mom around to talk to again. In the last six months, I've been through a part of hell, I'm sure. And I'm not speaking from just dealing with grief. Life has thrown in some nasty curve balls and that clichè "When it rains, it pours"...well...let's just say that my life has redefined it more along the lines of "When it rains, it turns into a monsoon."
Although most of the events in the last six months of my life have been unpleasant and more often than not, just downright agonizingly awful, things are hopefully looking up. I'm saying "hopefully" with caution, though. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I think I'm close. Close to getting my life back to just being that; my life. No more of this juggling critical, high demand, high maintenance, events that I can tell have aged me beyond where I ever thought I'd be at this point in my life.
Until then, I'm still holding my breath, and missing the one person (besides my husband) who could keep me calm, reassured, and encouraged. She had a way of understanding me in my most vulnerable and frustrated moments and letting me know with a tight hug and a soft near whisper that I'd be okay, and she'd always be there for me no matter what. She never failed me in life and even now, when I desperately need that reassurance from her, she never fails me. She comes to me whenever I need her in my dreams, in a very real way. That doesn't make me miss her any less, but I can say truthfully that I KNOW there is a heaven, and that God loves us enough to give us precious moments together, even between a separate time and place, until we can be reunited again.
I only hope I am and can continue to be the mother to my kids that my mom is to me. She is such an amazing and wonderful person. I miss her so much.