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Six months

Sep 20, 2012 - 6 comments

I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that Sunday, September 23 will mark six months since my mom's death. Time since then doesn't make much sense when I try to associate it with losing her from my life. It seems like it's been ages--forever--since I last saw her, heard her voice, her laugh, felt her hug me, watched her light up when my boys, her cherished grandsons, were running into her arms to greet her and snuggling up with her. Each day without any of that anymore is like a reminder again and again of her loss, of the last moments I had with her. But then at the same time, it doesn't seem like six months have passed. It feels like this all happened a few days ago. I wish time didn't have to make things so complicated when trying to process life without someone who meant the world to you.
The only comfort I really get is in the dreams I have about her. She's showed up quite a bit lately in my dreams, and at least that way...she's still alive. And not sick anymore. She's so beautiful and vibrant and happy--she looks the way her personality was in life. It's good to never have to see her sick again.
I've had so much going on lately and there's nothing I want more than to just have my mom around to talk to again. In the last six months, I've been through a part of hell, I'm sure. And I'm not speaking from just dealing with grief. Life has thrown in some nasty curve balls and that clichè "When it rains, it pours"...well...let's just say that my life has redefined it more along the lines of "When it rains, it turns into a monsoon."
Although most of the events in the last six months of my life have been unpleasant and more often than not, just downright agonizingly awful, things are hopefully looking up. I'm saying "hopefully" with caution, though. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I think I'm close. Close to getting my life back to just being that; my life. No more of this juggling critical, high demand, high maintenance, events that I can tell have aged me beyond where I ever thought I'd be at this point in my life.
Until then, I'm still holding my breath, and missing the one person (besides my husband) who could keep me calm, reassured, and encouraged. She had a way of understanding me in my most vulnerable and frustrated moments and letting me know with a tight hug and a soft near whisper that I'd be okay, and she'd always be there for me no matter what. She never failed me in life and even now, when I desperately need that reassurance from her, she never fails me. She comes to me whenever I need her in my dreams, in a very real way. That doesn't make me miss her any less, but I can say truthfully that I KNOW there is a heaven, and that God loves us enough to give us precious moments together, even between a separate time and place, until we can be reunited again.
I only hope I am and can continue to be the mother to my kids that my mom is to me. She is such an amazing and wonderful person. I miss her so much.

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by colorado_g, Sep 20, 2012

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by AHP84, Sep 23, 2012
It's been a tough day. I've struggled to keep back the tears. Just seems like its been forever since I've seen her, and forever before I can see her again.

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by adgal, Sep 23, 2012
Love you Audrey.  I have no words to take away or even help with what you are going through.  Just wanted to let you know you are a credit to your mother...she lives on through you and I absolutely can be certain...she is looking down on you with complete and total pride.  I just love ya girl.

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by MrsPincince, Sep 23, 2012
So sorry for your loss...My hubby lost his mom 2 yrs ago today Sept 23rd...Loss is hard. Time heals all wounds...

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by opus88, Sep 23, 2012
You write so beautifully of your dear mom, she must be very proud of the daughter you've become :) Losing a mom/friend/mentor has to be one of the hardest blows to deal with in life, she sounds like she was an awesome mom and its going to take a long time for you to come to terms with her will get easier to bear and soon the deep grief will turn more to fond memories. this isn't forgetting your mom nor all the special bonds you held its just going on with life and doing as your mom would have wanted, she is smiling down on you and holding your hand.

this date holds a special significance for me as well...Sept 23, 1989 my husband suffered a life altering injury...23 years ago today, .he didn't die of his injuries but I did loose the man that was my husband on that day, and he passed away this summer eerily also on the 23rd (only it was in July).

I hope the 'monsoons' will soon become just showers in your life...yes I too know there is a heaven and all our loved ones are there waiting for us...God Bless you honey♥

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by Nighthawk61, Sep 24, 2012
Your post so eloquently captures what so many of us are feeling when we lose a parent. I truly believe, from so many inexplicable bumps in the night, that our loved ones are much closer than we think. I have had many experiences that have led me to this conclusion, including the types of dreams that you have described. Your wonderful mother, is indeed, watching over you and the kids. I think that it would be a safe bet, that if you just started to talk to her, that she would be listening. Lovely passage. Thank you, it brought many memories to mind. God Bless and feel better. Hugs, Liz

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