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Donor - to tell or not to tell?

Oct 09, 2012 - 12 comments

It's really funny but I had to get this off my chest so I figured I would do it my journal.  As many of you know we used donor eggs to finally get our beautiful boys.  When we were deciding to do this, I know for me, I spent many hours thinking about whether or not I would tell my family and friends.  Well after talking to the therapist we decided it was best to have the truth out there to avoid any problems later.  
So I made a conscious decision to tell everyone.  I worried over nothing I thought after everyone responded so well.  Most family members told us who cares where they come from? Great, I thought my worries were over.  
What is funny now is that since the boys have been born, I am repeatedly told that Michael looks like my husband and Alex looks like me.  Really?  I mean really, did anyone pay attention when I was explaining the whole donor egg process?  My dh said I need to let it go and to just say thank you.  I understand that but it still bugs me a little.  I think I am more upset over the fact that I dreaded telling everyone, worrying about what everyone would think and the fact that they don't seem to remember annoys me more.  
Well here we are four months later and I am told at least once a week wow Alex looks so much like you.  lol I have to laugh because now I do what my husband said to do, "Thank you."

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1609417 tn?1389642778
by haz1104, Oct 10, 2012
it really is annoying when someone acts like they listened but then something happens n u c their reactions negating what they said earlier..but this is life. some times u just need to go with the flow and accept what life's given u.
On the other hand, i believe the babies still grew in side of u..and its UR hormones flesh, and blood that provided them with everything they needed to b here safe and, don't u think that would contribute to their looks features or at least their personal traits?! ..I don't no, but, maybe I'm being naive or so but i believe they were some else's "follicle/sperm" and now they r babies! u must have done some thing REALLY significant (other than carry them in ur belly for 9 month" for this transformation to happen...give ur self some credit..u went thru SO much to get to where u r now..u r a HERO whether u believe in it or not..enjoy the results and ur beautiful lil family..:)

1422615 tn?1334064234
by rmmoye, Oct 10, 2012
I adopted my two with one was 2 and the other had just turned 1.  We get told all the time by people who know and people who dont know how much they look like us. My mother said the longer u feed them and take care of them the more they will look and act like u. Trust me it is nothing but a complement.  YOur family understands but at the same time they see them as your children and they look for the similarities. They dont want u or your children to feel different than all of the other parents and children in the family.  My oldest son and my step brother have things in common. My youngest and me both have blue eyes. He had red hair when he was little but is growing out of it and into darker hair like my husband. My oldest and my husband have things in common. My boys copy their daddy on a lot of things.  Plus if u hold up the  picutes of when my older son was younger to  my MIL they look alike.  It is crazy and we all know that they are not blood but they will act like u and trust me the older they get u will see them do stuff you did when u were a child.  U will start doing what every one else does and saying look at him acting like his mommy or his daddy.  U will tell your husband He got that from u.  It is natural for people to do it. It is not and insult. i have been told by other moms  I will tell u what will drive u crazy is when your child does something really off the wall or goes through there teen years  the family will say well i guess he got that from his bio parents or that must be his dna bring that out because we dont do that.    Enjoy your babies and dont worry about  what other people think or say. U chose the doner parents based on things they had that u liked and wanted your children to have.  

982214 tn?1471454781
by krichar, Oct 10, 2012
I hope you don't mind me chiming in... I met my husband when my older boy was 1 (The week before his birthday). We have been told all the time how much they look alike (especially when he was little).

As time goes on children will pick up on your habits and mannerisms and will seem to "look" more like their parents. I say it Gods way of saying this is where we belong... Even though there may not be "DNA" relation these boys are where they are meant to be :)

1386655 tn?1452097056
by journey2motherhood, Oct 10, 2012

Thank you ladies, I do understand what you are saying and yes, I do realize as they grow up they will pick up different habits, etc., from me and my husband.  I'm not worried about what people think per se, I think I was just more upset over the fact that it completely went over their head.  But I think I have to look at it from their perspective, they just see them as our babies which is wonderful, I'm happy about that.  I guess it bothered me more because I'm looking at it from my perspective, someone who tried so hard to have their own biological child, but it doesn't matter anymore at all.  I love them and they are mine in every sense of the way.  

Krichar, no of course I don't mind you chiming in at all - thank you for your perspective :-)

rmmoye - thank you for your input too - you are absolutely right about how we chose our donor.  

Hala - thank you for the hero compliment, it means alot and I never thought about being a hero in that sense of the word.  I did carry them and they do have my blood, etc... who knows what else lol.  

I just wanted to vent really - by no means do I feel ashamed or worried over what other people think, I am so happy and like I said I'm learning to take it as a compliment, thank you and enjoy my babies. xoxo

1027304 tn?1333973406
by Alexis2358, Jan 24, 2013
Just saw this...I know its been a few months, but I would definately take it as a fact, maybe they do remember, but maybe they are just trying to say things like that to make you feel like they are accepting them fully as yours.   And as a side note....they DO look like your husband, I thought that right away when I looked at the pictures and didn't know they were donor eggs.   Even now that I know, I still say they look like him.   People can "look" like other people and not be related.

I was 43 when I got pg with my little man.    We were looking at photos of donors and had actually made a final decision on who to pick.   I was waiting for AF so that I could get in sync with the donor, however AF never came....I had strangely enough gotten pg on my own and now have a beautiful little boy.   When I was picking donors though, I did actually pick a donor that looked alot like me, hoping that people would say..."he/she looks just like you".   I can't think of a better compliment.

Enjoy the comments and enjoy the babies....they are beautiful!

1386655 tn?1452097056
by journey2motherhood, Jan 24, 2013
Thank you! But actually they are my husbands lol - we only used donor eggs so yes they do look like him alot! It's funny because now my mom is saying that Michael looks like me when I was a baby.  

1293683 tn?1334019210
by tones99, Jan 24, 2013
I meant to comment on this back when you posted so glad it has popped up again .. I was at the wedding of a good friend on the weekend and her brother (another friend of ours) who was adopted was standing next to their Dad and it struck us as it always does when they are together, just how alike they are .. it is in their mannerisms etc but it actually is their looks too .. they look more alike than the biological kids!!  crazy but some things are just meant to be .. the adopted friend of ours jokes that they went through hundreds of babies before recognising him as one of theirs!  I don't think your friends have forgotten your big announcement, I just think they are amazed by it and love to comment .. it is such a beautiful thing for others to see you in your babies in any way!

1806883 tn?1458321004
by stacey10, Jan 24, 2013
also from reading heaps, as this is the path that we are now going, it seems to me that it isnt at all uncommon for the baby/ies to resemble the mother as some of your dna crosses over to the growing baby as well, thru your blood etc, and so it seems does some mannerisims... weird but exciting :)

1386655 tn?1452097056
by journey2motherhood, Jan 24, 2013
Thanks Ladies.  I think I was just originally so put off by what maybe seemed there lack of memory, when really they are first just so happy for us and second, really do see something lol.  I guess its really pointless now to think about this.  I do believe like you said Stacey10 about some of the dna crossing over :-) Matter of fact one of things that convinced me was something that happened to my husband's cousin.  She has MS and was afraid to have a child of her own, she used donor eggs, but the baby inherited the MS anyway.  Odd, I never thought that could happen.  So something must happen during the developement.  The other thing is my dad was adopted, and believe me he picked up many mannerisms of my grandmother lol!

3233386 tn?1447024695
by mandaszoo, Jan 24, 2013
I dont think that your family and friends are not listening. I think that they are saying "this baby may not be genetically yours BUT LOOK she/ he looks like you,  acts like you , He / she is so like you that you dont have to worry about where he/she came from that it is so obvious to us that this child is yours > Hugs x PS My son looks like me , my 2 DD look nothing like me. All biologically mine

377493 tn?1356502149
by adgal, Jan 24, 2013
I also think that people just sort of forget or really don't put much thought into it at all.  And that is sort of nice.  They consider those boys 100% yours (which they are) and probably didn't think much about the donor eggs after you mentioned it.

I also think Stacey is right and that dna mixes.  I mean, you did grow them inside your body.

I have to comment...whenever I hear a success story about donor eggs or donor embryo's, it just makes me smile.  What a great world we live in!!  I'm just so happy for you - 2 perfect beautiful children.  

1386655 tn?1452097056
by journey2motherhood, Jan 28, 2013
I think its true too, people just seem to forget or don't put much thought into it.  I feel very fortunate and blessed, I thank you all for your kind words.  I love these boys and they are mine in every sense of the word!

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