Nov 03, 2012
I don't understand what the hell is going on. I have so much to be happy about. But while I am playing with my kids or laughing at Facebook or something I look so happy on the outside but on the inside I feel like there is this big black hole that tries to swallow up all of my happiness. You would think with me being on 30 mg of Paxil that my depression would be gone. But it seems like no matter what I do or take, I cannot seem to get rid of it. It's like it is this scary little secret demon that I hold in my heart no matter how well things are going. Mike has a great job making excellent money. Almost all of our bills are caught up. I might be getting the car I have always wanted. We are actually able to put money back in savings which is something we haven't been able to do in a really long time. So why the hell am I so depressed? It just makes no sense to me. I guess I am gonna have to bite the bullet and find a therapist. It is the only thing I can think that might help me. Maybe if I am lucky I will find one that is reasonable and who isn't that far away. But I think I definitely need the therapy with all of my past and the **** that I have been through and am going through now. I pray that I can get some help. My babies deserve a happy mommy who is just as happy on the inside as she appears on the outside.