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growing up is never easy

Feb 03, 2009 - 6 comments

It is ironic that as time go by I find how important it is now to speak up.  I used to let peopel put me down and then I would feel sad.  I know that no one can know just how their statements cause me to feel sad.  I dont' want to cry, be mad, yell, or create an attitude of discomfort.  I have start to say very quietly just how their statement makes me feel.  Please pray that I can do this with an attitude of Gods presence.

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541150 tn?1306033843
by PrettyKitty1, Feb 03, 2009
Yes, stubby, very politely, you could ask the offender to repeat the statement because you didn't quite understand what they meant. Maybe then, when they explain themselves better you can realize what they actually were trying to say/imply. If it still makes you feel bad then you let them know very smoothly and in a classy way that you do not appreciate the comment.

My boss is very good at this.  She can make you feel like c r a p without offending you or changing her tone of voice. :)

365714 tn?1292199108
by MJIthewriter, Feb 03, 2009
I'm right there learning with you. First found out we both like to collect things, and now this, lol.

There were some people who said some things to me that were very offensive and finally have been able to pin down what bothers me.

In real life if I meet a rude person usually it's a stranger and I don't see that person ever again.  On the internet it's a lot harder. We are all complete strangers to each other, but yet come to the same place. We get to know snippets of each other from what we share, but still we don't KNOW each other.

At least in real life if there's someone one works with or sees on a daily basis, there may be the chance of being able to approach the person and say, "Can we please talk? I was really hurt by something you said last night."
And you may or may not be able to talk to that person in private.


On the internet, once a person says something offensive and then blocks me, then I don't have that chance to ask them, "Can we please talk? What comment you said to me, pm, journal (whatever it was) really hurt me and I'd like to work it out if it is okay."

We don't get that chance.  There's no way to privately chat with whoever has offended me. It's either I get it off my chest for my own sake, but then draw in the public, or bottle it in..

I need help in this area. I want to be able to just brush it off and not care.  But to those who say they don't care, is that really the truth? Is there a person in this world who isn't stung a little by negative comments?

What I wish more could be done: More positive feedback!  I don't like having all my flaws pointed out without something positive.

When I used to critique artwork in college, I had to say something positive about the piece before saying what things could be improved.


365714 tn?1292199108
by MJIthewriter, Feb 03, 2009
I said part of this as a general statement. I believe that if we can give positive feedback, it will really help.

Avatar universal
by stubby226, Feb 04, 2009
I agree with the positive strokes.  You may have read where I save my evaluations, atta boys, and awards.  Sometimes when I have been put down aand am not secure enough to not believe them, I pull them out and reread them.  I know that some peopl really just have no idea on how what they say can affect others.  My hubby has started to learned that I am the best one to deal with business people.  He can be very short, direct, and very firm presentation with his tone.  Some people find him intimidating and he has no idea why. Used to be said that you can't treat an old dog new tricks.  Well that is not true.  Yeh hubby and I have been having some growing pains.  I am not the eaisest person to live with at times lately.  I physically have limitations and freq can get on the pitty pot.  I have been puting forth an honest effort to limit any physical complaints to 10 mins each day.  It isn't always easy.  Need to go.

281728 tn?1190429787
by I am WHO., Feb 04, 2009
Great discussion here.  I have had to learn as well to speak up right at the time things are said, "What do you mean?  It sounds like you are implying that..." or "When you say that it makes me feel...and this is why..."  It was really difficult at first and I did lose some friends.  When people see you change it is difficult for them.  They have been going along completely unaware that they have been hurting you, and now suddenly you are reacting differently.  Suddenly their words or behavior is bothering you and it wasn't before.  They often don't understand that it was bothering you before, you just weren't saying anything.  So this change they see in you isn't the change that is really going on.  In reality, you are improving your communication skills, but they see you becoming more sensitive.  But many people are very open to their loved ones growth.  

Maybe one way you can help your friends and family cope with the changes would be to let them know that you are trying to improve your communication skills, and that you have a tendency to keep things to yourself and it is causing you to suffer.  When you don't communicate how people affect you, how can you expect them to treat you the way you want, need and deserve to be treated?  AND when you hold things in they build up, so that when you finally let it out it is from a state of anger and frustration.  This makes the process of communication much more difficult.  So keep with it and once you build that habit it will feel so good.  It's only uncomfortable at first.  Congratulations of being so enlightened as to see what you need to do.  

Now as for the whole rudeness on the internet thing, that's totally different.  Some people use internet forums to boost their own fragile ego by putting other people down in what they feel are clever ways.  In those cases the healthy, respectful method of communicating back to them can often backfire and give them more fuel.  It can be so frustrating to deal with these people and can eat at you when you aren't online.  Can you tell that I know this from experience?  I like these boards here, because usually people are so nice and caring and respectful, but other places aren't so kind.  After trying the healthy method and failing.  I tried playing the game.  There were a few people that didn't mess with me anymore, but for the most part it was just war.  I hate war.  So I now I pretty much ignore them.  If that behavior is rampant on a forum, and I can't keep it from bothering me, then I just find a new forum where the people are nice and the trolls are few and far between.  

When someone does troll and bash people online, most people who aren't trolls themselves can see that this person should just crawl back under the bridge, and there is no dignity lost to the person who has just been bashed.  If the hurtful words come from online, try not to let it get to you.  Easier said than done,  I know.  But it is easy to spot trolls and easy to spot truly quality individuals.   Thanks for these great posts.

Avatar universal
by stubby226, Feb 04, 2009
I am lucky so far.  I have not had any negative situation on line.  Of course someone may have been snippy and I did not even know it.  Why I choosen now is anyone's guess.  I do think with my Hep C and Fibromyalgia I needed to conserve my energy so I could have some up time.  I agree that holding things in and letting them build up is so exhausting.  Not am I trying to clean up my emotions communication I am working on cleaning up all the stuff I had let go these last 4 years but also has remained packed from when I moved back 61/2 years ago when we had a short seperation.  Well gotta go julia

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