Nov 26, 2012
What would make a happily married man decide to stray? In my case, I had issues with watching porn. My fantasies would be lived out by watching other hetero couples enjoy each others bodies. For a long time it was enough for me. After a stressful day, I'd unwind with 20 minutes or less of porn, at least 2-3 times a week. When I got married, I still checked out the sites, but not as frequently. I did so because there was a familiarity about it and I knew how to take care of myself. When my wife was pregnant, I would not go near her. We had a tough time making a baby and I felt like a pig wanting to satisfy my lusts with my wonderful wife.
My decision to stray was kind of by accident. My job requires me to drive a lot and my back hurt. In my late 20's I had seen a chiropractor, but he was useless, so I went to a chinese medicinal massage business located in the local mall. This was a legitimate business and no hanky-panky was permitted, nor was I looking for that.
The massage I got worked wonders. Thus, I was convinced of the benefits of oriental medicine and massage. So much so I would tell family and co-workers to go there, and they did with good results.
Fast forward to this past summer. I was underemployed. My job was calling me in once or twice a week. The company had made lofty promises about bringing everyone back full time and there would be plenty of work. It was not to be.
I was stressed and angry. My wife was pregnant and wasn't always pleasant, which I understood completely, Admittedly, I was unsure of my future. I felt sad and guilty for putting a baby in this world. I was thinking how I couldn't give my child all the good things in life. I was depressed, very depressed. Thoughts about how I would check out of this world would cross my mind. It seemed the only thing I could control would be the end of me.
Porn was my escape. I went to it more. I saw people in the throes of passion and I was jealous. I would think life is too short not to have such fun. At this point, the devil sunk his claws in me. He was convincing me of the lies.
I had always worked with older men in my field. I heard about these married men either wishing they could have another woman or actually doing so. I never thought it was a good idea, but as I got more depressed, it made more sense.
I did need a back massage for my pain. I had heard about massage parlors with happy endings. That stuck in my mind. So, I searched the web and found many, many sites on where to go, and not far from me. I was shocked how many and how close they were. I was shocked to see dedicated sties that gave five star ratings, depending on the service provided.
I was scared, but I decided to go to one. And I liked it. I went five times to three different places.
The last time, I got oral sex. I was crying after it happened. I was really scared what I had done. Hand on penis was one thing, this was entirely different. For what its worth, I didn't ask for it. It just happened and I let it happen. I didn't ***. I was too scared. I left in tears.
I saw a cluster of tiny white pimples on my penis head and a small bump on my penis shaft. I drove to the ER and had them give me STD treatment. Pills and a shot. I had never done this before. The white pimples were gone and a shiny spot was on my penis head in its place. The bump on the shaft was gone. A month later, i had a horrible pain in my groin. I went to a urologist and told him everything about my experience.
He said I had a fungus and prostiatis. I was giving Cipro, 500 mg daily for 10 days and a topical anti-fungicide. He took all the tests for std's and hiv. I went to the free clinic and took another round of std medication, the pills and shot. A quick blood hiv test showed negative. Two weeks later, the urologist said I had no std's and no hiv.
Its almost three months now. Despite the urologist telling me I don't need to, I am going to get my tests again. I am living with guilt and fear. I come to sites like Medhelp for guidance and honest answers. I have called std and hiv hotlines numerous times, I've read every site for more information.
I don't have many bodily issues. Sometimes there is a tingling in my groin area. I did have shooting pains down my legs, but now those pains are in my feet and hands, but not severe, mostly annoying. Occasionally, my stomach gurgles and I burp for no reason. There has been times it hurt to breathe and the skin color of my penis shaft is more red than normal, though not painful.
I have anxiety and depression and I am seeing a counselor, which does help. I think a lot about what I did. I think how I had lived a clean life for years and how I changed it all in one moment. I feel dirty and ashamed.
I have not looked at porn. I don't look at women at all. I don't notice them. I look at everyone as potentially sick. I have a fear of people's germs and of their private lives. Television shows with sexual content make me angry. Before, I thought such shows were just dumb, now they are dangerous. Extreme thinking that, I feel, makes me safer.
What I want is to reset the clock. To be who I was, and I can't.
Anyway, that's my story.