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Feeling Guilty

Dec 01, 2012 - 10 comments

So as some of you know my best friend was two weeks behind me when I was pregnant with Ruby.  When I lost Ruby I just couldn't deal with it and her pregnancy and cut myself off totally from her.  I wrote her a letter explaining why I couldn't talk to her or be around her and she wrote back saying she totally got it. Even though I felt so bad and guilty about it, I had to do it - it was the only way I could get through all the pain and hurt.

Well she probably had her baby about 2 weeks ago, well that was when she was due anyway and I feel like such a crap friend that I haven't even acknowledged it or tried to find out about it.  But everytime I think about having to face it, I just can't.  Some days I still feel like I'm bearly hanging on and could cry at the drop of a hat and other days I feel ok.  I think if I got in contact with her, it would send me spiralling into a deep dark place and I really don't want that.  I guess I just want reassurance that I'm not a horrible person and that it's ok to keep my distance from her.

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803938 tn?1403748253
by Ecologic, Dec 01, 2012
It is perfectly understandable that you are keeping your distances! If I were in your shoes I would certainly have done the same thing. You'll contact her when you are ready, I am sure she can understand.

334926 tn?1436811523
by butterflybabies, Dec 01, 2012
Your not horrible. This is about you and your well being. If she or anyone else can't understand it that's their problem. Most wont understand as they haven't experienced the pain you are going thru. One day when your ready you contact her and if she is a true friend she won't hold it against you. Sending you big hugs!

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Dec 01, 2012
The great thing about good friends is the get it.  I am sure she understands, and be waiting, no questions asked, when you are ready, whenever that may be.  You take care of you! She would want no less!!!!

Avatar universal
by Ginger077, Dec 01, 2012
I'm with the other ladies here. I just want to add that the grieving process is different for everyone. Yes some days are better then others too. I don't think you should force trying to reconnect with her, you will know when the time is right and hopefully ease back into each others lives. It sounds like your friend is being understanding of your feelings and will be there for you when your ready. I hope knowing this helps to ease your worries a little.
Hugs my dear

1765952 tn?1314719881
by tes645, Dec 02, 2012
I have had this happen, My best buddy was preg the same time as me, I was a lil behind her, I lost mine and felt so strange that I would have to watch her grow. I had no choice to bump into her as our girls are in the same class at school.
I cut myself off for a while and tried to grin and bear when calling her to see hoe she was etc etc, In the end she shut off from me, when i was ready I think she had gone into mummy mode and was not really interested or didn't show it much, I knew it must have been hard for her to as she would be feeling she was pushing it on me,,,,
We eventually spoke about it and she just said she didn't want to rub it in my face. I just felt like not only had i lost my baby but my buddy who i spoke to everyday.
But mypoint is, give it time, a true friend will understand why and wont hold it against you. We had a few tears when i went to see her in delivery, (something i didn't want to do, but knew i had to get it over with) Dont get me wrong, its still hard sometimes when i see her little girl, but time has a way of NOT fixing things, but helping us cope better and move forward. Things will get better

1219499 tn?1410749730
by dscoqn, Dec 07, 2012
Thanks guys!  All your comments were very helpful and I hope like you say that she is not holding it against me and that one day we will reconnect and be best friends again.  I really do miss her :(

1386765 tn?1451164337
by pb95, Dec 07, 2012
Same thing happened to me.  DH's best childhood friend's wife was due the day after ours.  DH still talks to the fella over business like things but we have never visited or sent anything to the family.  I feel bad and think they were avoiding us too, but hope some day it will go back to normal.  I just can't imagine seeing him and thinking the things we all know we would be thinking.  I saw his grandma and couldn't stop crying soon after it happened, so I can't imagine seeing him.  You aren't off base and shouldn't feel guilty because it is what it is.  Hugs to you and so excited things may be progressing for you soon!

4261944 tn?1590535519
by laureninlove, Jan 23, 2013
Maybe write another letter if you're up to it, tell her you're thinking of her and wish her the best still no matter what. When you're ready of corse. But a letter may be the best place to start when that time comes :) xx <3

1219499 tn?1410749730
by dscoqn, Jan 25, 2013
Thanks guys, I actually bit the bullet and sent her a congratulations card and an outfit for her baby girl.  It was so hard going to buy the clothes and a couple of times I nearly broke down and left the shop with nothing, but I gave myself a stern talking to and persisted.  Even though I'm still not ready to see her or talk to her, I'm glad I acknowledged her baby.

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by mandaszoo, Jan 25, 2013
You have  done a wonderful thing putting aside your own hurt and I think you will feel glad you did, Well done. I know how hard this is but you should give yourself a big pat on the back. Take care xx

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