Mar 09, 2008
I am a 38-year-old, single mother. My daughter is almost 15. I work in a professional field. I am extremely nervous about joining a community like this and posting things for all to see. However, my desperation must outweigh my anxiety and fear b/c here I am...
Please be patient with me - this is all new to me. I spent the past 30 minutes typing a post which really was about as long as a novella. I was really pouring my heart out, sharing my story of how I became addicted to Lortab and I hit some button (can't tell which one) and my entire post was gone - vanished!
So now, in addition to going through my very first withdrawal from Lortab, being depressed, anxious and altogether pissed off at life in general, my creative attempts to bring some humor to my ****ed up life has ended in a technical error. Oh well.
I will save all of my previous drama and get to the point. I am addicted to Lortab. I have known that for quite some time but never seriously thought of doing anything about it until this past week. I have started to realize the impact it has had on my life. I lack motivation to do anything - is that normal? I find that odd b/c the Lortab gives me such a feeling of euphoria and I can talk to anyone about anything and feel so confident yet I have become the worst of the worst of procrastinators. My house is a wreck b/c I never feel like cleaning. My job is in jeopardy b/c I procrastinate any and everything. I have a top administrative position and my poor performance has come back to haunt me over the past several months. I am hanging by a thread with my boss and co-workers. They have no idea about my addiction but I have shared with them that I have been depressed.
I would love to hear if anyone else has experienced this lack of motivation from Lortab. Seriously, I don't get how something that makes you feel so good, could make you feel like doing so little. Is that unique to me or maybe related to something else like depression? Please share your experiences.
I decided this week that I have to stop taking this drug. I have been stealing it from family members to keep my habit going. Yeah, not so proud of that. I have become so devious and sneaky - trying to strategically place myself near mom or grandma's purses so that I can nonchalantly reach in and snag 30 or more Lortab. My job is a mess. My life is a mess and I keep thinking that even though that pill makes me feel sooooo good; it must have some relationship to my suddenly poor work performance and lack of house cleaning. Seriously, my family used to make fun of me and say I had OCD b/c my house was always immaculate. Not so much over the past year. No one in my family has been allowed here.
I made the decision last week that this was it - I am going to quit taking the pills altogether. I've tried slowly titrating the dose before with the intention of eventually weaning myself off altogether but that never works b/c my willpower ***** and if I have them, I will take them. I don't know how bad my addiction is compared to others I've heard about. On average, I have been taking about 30-80 mg.(usually b/t 3- 8 tabs) of Lortab per day and that has been going on for at least the past 3-4 years.
Today is Sunday. It's about 7 p.m. I took my last Lortab Thursday around 6 p.m. I haven't had any since then. I expected the first day (Friday) to be the worst but it wasn't bad at all. No physical withdrawal whatsoever. I had cravings of course but nothing I couldn't deal with. Yesterday (Sat.) was a little more difficult with the cravings and I felt pretty anxious and restless all day.
Today (Sun) is a totally different story. I feel like I could jump out of my skin. My legs and back ache so badly. I am irritable and just want to go somewhere I can be alone and cry. Is this normal? Is there more I should expect? How long will this last? Why did it take two days after stopping the pills for the withdrawal (if that's what this is) to get so bad?
I googled withdrawal symptoms and was linked to a site for suboxone (sp??). Has anyone tried that? Does it work? Is it worth it? I have not told my medical doctor about this b/c I don't want it in my medical records. I don't want my employer to find out. I don't want my family to find out. I just want to deal with this and get it over with. I have a therapist and am going to try to see him tomorrow. Should I see my medical doctor?
Any help, advice, words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated. I'm not sure what to do but I know I cannot take another Lortab. I have the most addictive personality. I could become addicted to ANYTHING. Is it possible to overcome becoming addicted to anything remotely pleasureable and live a "normal" life? I hate myself for being so weak, so undisciplined, for not having any ability to delay gratification.
I am hopeful that I didn't stumble upon this site accidentally. I do believe in God and I have been asking Him to help me. I want to believe that He led me here. I hope that there is at least one person here who can relate and offer some support/encouragement.
Thanks for taking the time to even read this.