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I hate the person I have become

Mar 10, 2008 - 4 comments

When I first started taking vicodin, it was every once in awhile to get a little high, then slowly I began taking in everyday no more than what I was prescribed, eventually it became so bad I had to go to 2 doctors to support my habit and was still running out.  I ended up stealing and lieing to my husband about his scripts.  I would tell him that I wasn't on anything and I was.  He would always find out and he is at wits end with me.  He his seriously ready to leave me, but he is a hypocrit.  He is an addict too.  He would take my pills when I would have them and then lie to me about it.  I wouldn't say anything to him unless I had absolute proof that he was lieing to me.  So when I would confront him and say that he lies to me, he would say that he doesn't do it as often so it isn't as bad.  We both need to clean up for good for our son who is 9 months old today.  If I clean up and he doesn't I don't know if I can stay it will be much too tempting to try and steal some from him.  (He hides them on me and locks them up)  Thankfully, because sometimes I just want one so bad I search through everything and would make up a lie to get 1.  I hate this when can I be the person I used to be not obsessed by drugs and when I can get high?  When will I feel normal again?  I truly hate who I have become!!! Help me, I am drowning in my own guilt.

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Avatar universal
by sigrid50, Mar 10, 2008
This is my mom's profile.  We don't have all the answers, but we like to help people.  Have you found help with a health care professional/counselor?  How about consciously choosing another activity to get your mind off the urge well after it passes?  Keep reminding yourself that your childs welfare far out weighs your need to fulfill your addiction.  Keep reminding yourself that your child needs you to meet his/her needs and you should put yourself second or last when it comes to meeting your childs needs.  Remember, your child did not choose to come into this world, you chose to bring him into it and to care for him for the rest of your life.  This is no longer an option for you.  You must forgive yourself for what you have done up to this point and be the parent you want and need to be.  You must rely on yourself and your morals, convictions, and knowledge of right and wrong to get you through this and everyday hereafter.  If you can not live in your current situation, you should talk to your spouse about cleaning his self up.  Also you both have made a commitment to each other in your marriage vows and if you both love each other and truely meant your vows that you made, both of you will become closer and better for each other and your child by doing this together.   Making a commitment or agreement to clean up your acts to each other, for your child and each other, can be your first step.  A health care professional/counselor will be able to help you both.  Think of this health care professional as a mirror to yourself and relationship.    Kind of like that old saying "You can't see the forest for the trees."   Sometimes we are too close to something to see it.  Good luck and we will be looking for updates from you.  You shall be in our prayers.  God Bless You AND Your Family.  BOTH of you need to decide which is MOST important in your lives, drugs, or your SON.

Avatar universal
by Firefaery1023, Mar 10, 2008
Thank you, I have not contacted a health care professional yet.  I am supposed to see one on March 24th, that is 2 weeks.  That is exactly why I decided to give this **** up is because of my son.  I love my son more than anything in the world.  The best feeling I get in the day is when I get home from work and he smiles at me, but for some reason when I start feeling the urge to take, he isn't even a thought.  I cut out all of my sources of getting pills though but I just don't think my husband is ready to make that step yet.  Hopefully when I am a little stronger, I will be able to help him out.  Lots of Love and thank for your blessing.

Avatar universal
by clear_as_mud, Mar 10, 2008
Please remember, you will never be able to go back to who you were before.  You can only be the best person you are today.  Take it day by day, minute by minute if you need to.  We, me and Sigrid 50, will cotinue to keep you in our thoughts.  I'm proud of the steps you have been taking to change the things you don't like.  I know that cigarettes are nothing like vicodin, but the addiction can be the same.  I have not had a cigarette in 9 days.  Today I would like one, but instead I'm spending the evening with my mom, 2 siblings and niece.  Good luck, look forward to speaking to you again.  Remember here in Florida, the sun shines at times and it is liquid at others.

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by tylersblueeyedmama, Mar 10, 2008
I have to agree with Firefaery1023, I did this all for my son first, then myself.  I just recently joined this site and I feel so much love and concern and just general niceness from everyone I have talked to!  Everyone has been so helpful and generous and just knowing there is someplace I can come to where everyone knows what it is like and has been there, is just amazing!!!!  
I have been on Suboxone for 3 weeks now and for the most part feeling great!  But whenever I am in doubt or just dont feel like much or a failure, I look at my 5yr old son and realize, it's not about me, but I have this beautiful, innocent life depending on me and if I am not healthy or alert, how am I going to take care of him.  Luckily I have a great boyfriend who has stood by me 110% and tries his best to make my life a little easier through all this.  I believe you can do this!  You just have to believe in yourself and maybe talk to your husband and let him know how you feel and that you want to get help, maybe with you discussing it with him, it might open his eyes to getting some help too.  But even still, you have a tiny baby that is depending on you for everything, you have to make sure you are there to provide for him!  All you have to do is have some faith in yourself and just say you know what...today is the day I go get help and go for it.  My boyfriend found out all the lieing I was doing and all the money I was spending and knew it was something and then finally just confronted me.  He didnt give me any choices to make, he just made the choice clear for me....my son.  So the next day I went and got help.  And I have to tell you, I was so excited that night, I couldnt wait to go to bed, because I knew when I got up the next morning...it was a NEW beginning.  I went right over to a clinic and got started on Suboxone instantly.  I have never really appreciated everything I have or all the love I have until recently.  I have been on Percocets for almost 6 years!  And its all pretty much a fog!  But now I feel like I could conquer the world if I was given the opportunity.  If you like, send me a message and I will give you my aol instant messenger screenname and you can talk to me whenever you need to.  Also keep posting to let us all know how you are doing!

Keep In Touch and Good Luck!!!!

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