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Need to learn to take care of me, I don't know how to love myself.

Feb 15, 2009 - 2 comments

I have had my family tell me as well as my forum family / friends that I need to take care of myself.  And Love myself.  I would like to do learn to do this, I don't know how.  I only know how to take care of others in need. That is what I have always done.  I just is not natural feelings for me to take care of Shar, daughter- wife-mother- sister and in law to my husbands family(which is a major source of my heartache.)  

It has always been my job to take care of other people I love. To be there and volunteer and say yes all the time. I have learned to say no more often.  

Right now I am focusing on my kids, health,  And we just found out that our sister in law's parents are in bad health her father fell and broke his hip & may not survive and her mom has Alzheimer so they may have to put her into a facility .  I feel so bad for her and My Brother -in-law.  People I love are in pain, and all I can do is pray God will provide for them.

I have talked to my husband, Mike that it is time we go through all our belongings, furniture, etc. to make more room in our little duplex so we don't fall and get hurt.  This is not easy for us but I just can not keep up with the dusting, vacuuming, mopping the floor, etc. I just can't do this as often any more. We have a lot of furniture and antique glass.  So we are going to start in our closets and go from there.  I got rid of a beautiful glass top coffee table because I have nearly fallen into it nearly 3 persons. Then this week I fell on ours little fireplace electric heater and I really jarred my whole body, so my Fibro, and Osteoarthritis is no more flared that it was when I broke my foot.  Foot is healed and the Fibro is flare and totally out of control my IM dr. said. I am walking around the house with a cane now because of my back with Osteo. & all the symptoms of pain from the Fibro.

I honestly am not the kind of person that likes sympathy, understanding is good.  This Forum and all the people I have met and made friends, some very special friends have been my support. I hope somewhere along the way I have help someone.  I need help, I don't know where to start to take of me, which my dr. wants me to do.  I know how to love others, no idea how to love myself.  Maybe that sounds weird, but I have been severely depressed for nearly 2 years. Some times I can't even talk or remember what I was to do.

I am hoping My forum family can help me. I am so scared of all the changes in my life.  I don't want to lose my friends, but I am asking for help from you if can. I know we all are in some kind of pain, and maybe I am asking for too much.  I don't know what to do.  

Love, Shar  

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620923 tn?1452919248
by selmaS, Feb 15, 2009
Hi Shar,

I was told u need to love urself b4 u can love others.It is bcuz u were made in God's likeness.
U do love urself when u take care of others.....but u must learn to say no more.

It is hard to say  "I love myself" bcuz we associate it with self centerd people....but  if u care enuff to take care and u r happy....u will be fine.

Use blinders if u must to not let other's issues cloud urs....u can care, but do not get overly involved in IL issues.
Just by taking a step back will help u feel less stress.And u will see u can care what happens, but u do not need to be emotionally involved.

I learned this lesson in DS was dating this guy...she bcame pregnant...he was at the house they had a fight...I got in the middle...and up to this point, I was sick about what was going on with her....well he threw me to the ground.
AND she ran after him!!

No matter what u do, u will get thrown to the ground...I love my sister, but it is not my place or good for me to get that involved.I keep my mouth shut unless I am asked and then just say a little.

BTW- my DS married him...divorced him....what a mess...married this other guy...moved out and is living with this other guy and things r getting hairy again.....

These r her choices and I must respect her.....and it will not affect me as much.

I hope u see u do love urself.....otherwise u could not love others....and u just need to step back to save urself from getting ill over someone elses issues.


387767 tn?1345875627
by Cindee56, Feb 15, 2009
Hi Shar,

I understand how you feel.   One thing I notice with myself is that when I am sick and can't do much, I don't feel very good about myself.  Like somehow I am not a worthwhile person, the same as you said, because I'm not taking care of everyone.

For years I worked, then got married, raised my son and sometimes my stepkids,  took care of the house and my husband.  My husband and son both struggled with depression, I dealt with this for years.  Then my Dad got heart disease and my mother got Alzheimer's (tell your sister-in-law I am sorry, I understand completely what she's going through).  I took care of my mother for 13 yrs. with very little help from family.  My mother died 3 yrs. ago.  Right after she died, my sister went into a major depression and I took care of her.  

Now I am sick and it's hard to accept.  I was always the one who did everything, now I need help, and it mostly falls on my husband and I feel bad.  I don't want to be this way.  But in some other ways I am resentful because, except for my husband and my son, the rest of my family and friends don't seem to care.  Everyone thinks *Cindy will be fine.*  I guess because I was always the one that was strong, but now I'm not and it hurts that no one seems to care.  

What I'm saying is maybe this is not all your fault.  Maybe your FAMILY could be more supportive of you.  If I'm wrong and they are very supportive, then I apologize.  I just think, because I know you, that you DO put too much on yourself.  You're not to blame for your illness.  No one asks to be sick and helpless.  We want to get better.  

I agree with selma above.  Forget about these other people's problems for a while.  You have enough to deal with just getting through the days in your own life.  Don't feel guilty.  Especially a disease like fibro, people don't get it, they think you do just want sympathy.  

Sorry to ramble...just my thoughts.  Try to take it easy.

Your friend,

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