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When ... ?

Feb 16, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

Weight

,

worry

,

school

,

paranoid

,

questions

,

loss

,

manic

,

vertigo

,

sleep

,

medications



The last question always makes me snicker - when don't I have issues?  Bev called me today and though I think I may be able to understand her a bit more than others because I'm accustomed to different kinds of speech, it was very hard to hear her talk.  Of course when I don't receive very clear messages, I get paranoid and worry that I'm in trouble.  Tom always says "what's up, Trouble?"  I don't seek it, it always finds me.  I'm feeling ugly today.  I think I'm continuing with weight loss, but it seems like it is all floppy and centering in my stomach.  My stomach seems to stick out more than it did before, but it's probably just my perception.  (Last week I thought I seriously gained 15 lbs. but it turned out I lost 2 lbs instead.)  I'm frustrated and also worried about school and finances.  I signed up with F&M for online banking and there are some purchases I don't recognize.  The same goes for Capitol One.  :(  I don't think it's impulsive or manic spending ... I rarely buy things from retail - it's usually online.  I can't decide if I care enough to bring up inquiry.  I lack the patience when it comes to dealing with customer service, especially for busy companies who outreach other countries to answer the calls.  I really need to call De La Cruz.  The only medication I have left is (barely) Adderall, Lamictal, and Amitriptyline Hcl.  I'm beyond ******.  I keep seeing stars, too.  I'm actually feeling a little on edge.  I have no motivation to do anything.  I'm hungry and I heated some pasta, but that was more than a couple hours ago.  It's still sitting in the microwave.  I don't know what is happening but it feels like I'm re-cycling my last manic episode.  It was different than usual, but I'm anxious over the reminiscent behaviors currently occurring.  For example, I'm losing the ability to speak correctly, I have no motivation to do anything, I won't eat, I have vertigo, I'm beginning to become unreasonably paranoid, I'm seeing stars, I can't sleep (don't feel like I need any, either), and I'm starting to become excruciatingly depressed.  Earlier today I was experiencing high energy in trying to accomplish needed tasks, but that was like, 9 am and now it's going on 4 pm.  I basically looked in the mirror and began to hate myself, but I couldn't draw myself away from looking at my disgusting face.  

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