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Jan 03, 2013 - 0 comments

Hello.  good evening Medhelp.  I have just come from a AA meeting.  oh my good lord!!!! wow what a bunch of fuh reeks!!!!  needles to say, i was there as well, so you can include me.  However, I was the least freaky of the freaks i must clarify.  some parts of the meeting were cool, like no clapping.  but they read from the Big Book sort of like the big book as literature?  it did not quite fly for me.  it walked.  almost a run at times. but not really.

anyway not to dis NA!  there were some very attractive ppl there, although freakish.  the ladies especially i found fly and fashionable.  one chick looked like the girl that Keanu Reeves was in love with in Italy in my own private idaho?  yes.  very pretty.

last nite with MM was sort of a wash, but it did get better at x.  first i was out and about at Star doing my writing and all kinds of stuff... did i tell you this?  maybe.  and then i went back to MM's and i was posed to call her cuz theres a security door at her apt and she was charging her phone so i called like 3x and i waited 20 mins and i was outside in the cold (with my Coat) and a bunch of stuff i'd forgotten earlier like my Toothbrush and stuff and she never answered.  i was tired and fustrated and i had to drive all the way back to my house ... but then she called and i was ticked off ... and she knew it.  so i went to Mcdonald's and had a salad ... im sorry if i told you this already but i dont' want to delete this whole journal and go back and look and i dont remember.  so forgive me.  yi and uh ... oh yeah thats when i got the comments on yesterday and i was about to give up and just hang it all up i was so dejected and i had no energy and i was really ready to cry out of fustration no happiness .. then i read the comments cuz theres wifi at mcdonalds, and that brought me way back up  .... way.  it was really great.  ty

then i went back, MM and i went down the hall to her friend's apt cuz her cat lives there with her frens cat, and we watched knocked up, a great movie, and um ... some other movie i forget what.  and we talked.  MM finally broke down and listened to me about my hub and the divo, heretofore or whatever she had been totally unsympathetic.  

then later we went back to her apt and i actually got some decent sleep on her couch.   tho it is weird being there and she is often a pain and she talks WAY too much about nothing (subjects like im out of cat food take up hours of air time), when she goes to bed in her room and im alone in the lr and the lights are out, man its a comfortable couch, and despite all the wares from her hoarder roommate, and i mean wares, man there is every dr seuss book and every piece of toy furniture ever made among millions of other things gathered from garage sales across the nation, and it smells musty and mildewy, ok not really mildewy i mean i never sneezed but.... yi!  you get the idea ... and um ... i feel peaceful in there and safe.  its one of those huge buildings and the apts all open off indoor hallways its like a dormitory ... idk it just feels safe to me.  its a big nice couch and though she has thin foofy blankets i had taken Katydid with me and i was actually comfortable and slept ... well i think.  i KNOW!!!! i said it!!! i slept well.  omg don't quote me ....

i set my cell fone for seven a.m. and i got up into the hellish morning (I know mrp its not early) and i took all my stuff, a big tote bag, katydid, and other junk, and walked downstairs with NO COFFEE and down the block and across the street to Ralphs the market where you have to park when you stay at MM cuz no parking.  ugh!  and then i drove to the donut shop and i got their RANK dollar fifty coffee ugh the WORST and i drove to Santa Monica to get a housing application for low income ppl thas me.  Meegy.

OMG.  before i drove to Sta Mon, ooh man i forgot to put the 405 fwy in the directions i 'copied' from mapquest?  yes.  i drove all the way to East ellay before i thought 'hmm maybe i missed something'  and i got off on like City Terrace the ony reason i knew where the hell i was cuz i went to tha teachers college there to get my credential in the early 2000s and i remember the entire square outside the skule, amazing cuz i was high as friggin kite the whole time.  so i got back on the freeway, and i passed like, the James Madison Historic Area or something you know you're in a bad area when you hit stuff like this.  and then ... i drove finally into Century City or Robertson or something got off at 4th and then i got lost again in sta monica.  so i talked into fone and i finally made it to a parking structure down the street from this office.

then, i was parking in the structure, and i almost hit this guy coming out the stairwell.  he was skinny and wearing a knit cap and looked like your typical Stan mon freak.  i stopped and the guy flashed me a peace sign, and i was like 'daim!"  that's GENE!  it was my old boss from when i worked down there as a ESL teacher at another little private ESL school.  I was like f*ckin A what are the chances I would run into Gene.  He dint see me or recognize me.  He had really liked me until i quit.  that was a stupid thing to do.

and so.  i went down the stairs and i got totally lost on the street.  there was like a huge farmers market and for the life of me i could not orient myself to where i had driven.  god, i might as well be high!  so like a huge idiot i talked into my fone to get the loke and it had me like, driving, so it thought it was a short reroute but on foot i was walking like the hugest city block almost down to the friggin ocean until i finally got back to that damn office!

and they gave me a appt card to attend some orientation and a application for lame a$$ losers like me who cannot afford any other housing.  ok wait.  the other ppl who apply are all not losers, but i am.  i mean!!! can you amajin??? Meegy W Paw, a master's degree, used to make a bunch of money a year, applying for public housing or whatnot?  well ill be.  i am hereby humbled!!!!!! thats what ennay loves, right?  you have to humble yourself yadda yadda

anyway its not really pub hous, its a app for these cool apartments that are just like, raffled out or something ... idk i dont unnerstand.  but im applying for it.

uh.  so then i drove bak home and worked out, did weights, and later applied for one or two jobs, and wrote for 35 minutes, mostly five sucky pages with maybe a couple good paragraphs im not even sure of that.  they say that you have to write all that sucky stuff to get to the good stuff .. so how much sucky stuff do i need to write???  ay?

cuz i have plenty of that sucky stuff.

um.  and i got into with him again!  yay!!!!  i know.  i know its bad for me.  i cant help it.  i really cant. i see him and i just .. its not really like im filled with rage, i just want to know.  i want to know how he can really be such an ay hole.  its really beyond my comprehension.  and i just ... idk its too confounding to even go into.  today he started in again on this litany of my shortcomings, and thats a nice way of how he says it. i mean, honestly i think he does this to villify me in order to justify what he is doing ... but ... its all kind of sickening.  

oh yeah i forgot to tell you that the reason I saw Gene was that the parking structure i parked in was the one for the school, genes school, and i didnt realize it was the same structure and the school was right there, and i still got lost even though i had worked there, but only for a couple months.  isnt that weird tho, that the housing place was right next to the school?  i mean .. idk.  maybe sta mon is really small.  i might end up living there.  im not sure i could handle it.  santa monica is like another planet.

anyway i feel anxious and weird.  my body temp is all over the place, i get hot and sweaty one minute and freezing the next.  i member this always used to happen to me when i was first getting clean and when i was first starting my current job. i think its anxiety.  the whole divo thing maybe and also being in diffy places almost every night lately in order to avoid my house.  im at another friends tonite.  its also hard to write becuz they are almost always talking to me.

so i gotta go.  if the writing is not like usual, thats why.  i cannot write right when someone is talking to me!!! but i still had to do it.  so please forgive.

i will be back in fine form soon, i promise!!!!!

ok, laters medhelp.

i loves ya

OMi grill i almost forgot to tell you i saw this guy who TOTALLY reminded me of rr at the meeting!!  omg he had that dang hair!  omg so yellow.  but blond really, but just a little of it ... and he was super white, you know, like that British descedancy and that white white skin??? sort of reddish almost?  like, tinged.  and then i started get all romantic and sad about rr and missing him and feeling like oh god he is never going to speak to me again and then i got sad about my hub and romance and dejection and the demise of relationships and how they naturally degrade over time and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  oh!!!!! oh medhelp!!!!! what ever shall i do?  

ah, me.  what can i say?

hey hey what can i do
i got a woman who won't be true

hey hey what can i say
i got a woman who stays drunk all day

... is that bad to say since this is about being clean?  im sorry.  talk to Robert Plant.  or better yet, jimi page!!! ooh yeah, dope man

ok gotta go

loves ya!  did i say that?  yeah i did
well ill say it again then

sleep sleep
tight tight



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