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Anxiety rears it's ugly head again

Jan 15, 2013 - 24 comments

As per therapist instructions, journal it.  And I feel safe doing it here.

Things have been going poorly again in the anxiety department.  I really should spend time on the forum, it would help I have no doubt. I thought I was getting better, but it's been tough lately and I'm not sure why.  Today makes sense with Ryder being sick, but he isn't seriously sick, just a tummy bug.  Been through those before more then once.  But I start to obsess.  

Lately I find myself going back to old habits.  Checking on him obsessively while he sleeps by putting my hand on his back to ensure he is breathing (he has never once stopped breathing, not even as a newborn in NICU).  Obsessively checking that the alarm is set (I have to double check several times) as I begin to worry someone will break in the house in the middle of the night and take him.  Listening to DH excitedly talking about our summer camping plans and how Ryder is old enough this year to go hiking without riding in the toddler backpack (I start stressing about cougars of all things - always cougars.  They will attack a small child but the chances are pretty remote).  Worrying about him running away from me and into the street and being hit by a car.  Worrying I will get in a car accident, and of course it will be hit in the side where his car seat is (this happened to my cousin recently, although her 2 year old was fine).  

I work myself into a bit of a mess.  I know I'm going to need to go back on medication and keep up the therapy.  I just wish there was a way to cure this.  I then worry I am going to smother my child and raise him to be fearful of everything.  I don't want that.

The thing about his is that I know my fears are not really rational.  The chances of any of these things happening is so remote in most cases, and at the very least highly unlikely.  But knowing that doesn't stop the fear and worry.  

Going to take one of my pills now.  My Dr. prescribed something I can take when I'm having a rough night.  Too much time to think today I guess.  It helps sometimes to write it out and hopefully journaling this will help me, and perhaps reassure someone else that they aren't the only ones going through this.

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by tones99, Jan 15, 2013
oh love .. having experienced anxiety so recently I really feel for you!  have you ever tried any natural products?  There is a great product here by a company called metagenics called neurocalm, and when I came off the antidepressants, I started taking that and it's been great!  I'm sure you've tried everything in the past so you just have to go with what works for you .. and you are right .. sharing will help, you and others.

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by haz1104, Jan 15, 2013
I know exactly how u feel..I guess this is how we're made and we need to toughen up some times and b less emotional. my husband thinks I'm crazy every time i wanna take Malik to the Dr's lol..thats actually y i don't wanna have another child right now..don't think I can take it!...I'm just happy u know these fears r irrational and know that controlling it is in ur hands and only U!..take it easy on urself ..for me its the guilt that makes it worse..the idea that some thing bad cud happen to him bcz I didn't do so n try to rely more on God n believe that kids r Gods angels on earth..and nothing can hurt them easily..unless its God will..
rest assured that ur a great mother and Ryder will always b safe with u..:)

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by Helen72, Jan 15, 2013
I am so very sorry you have to deal with these again.  Feeling down when everyone around you is happy is so hard to bear, especially when you can't share in the hsppiness and excitement of your own child.  I am glad you are seeking treatment and not waiting for these attacks to resolve on their own.

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by specialmom, Jan 15, 2013
Oh, I'm really sorry that this is happening.  It is good that you recognize it and are able to treat it properly.  You know how to take care of yourself.  But it just feels so darn bad and I'm so sorry you are going through that.   I am hoping that you feel better soon.  I'm here to help anytime I can if there is anything I can do.  Love ya

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by nursegirl6572, Jan 15, 2013
Oh boy....anxiety stinks doesn't it???  It is SO frustrating that WE cannot seem to control it in those moments where we want to!  You're a smart cookie, and you have recognized it and realize that you need to get back to addressing it.  THAT'S the key.  If we address anxiety right when we realize it has reemerged, we're so much better off.  It's amazing to me the people who are no strangers to anxiety, and yet, each time it peaks, they wait and wait and wait...and try to brush it off.  Luckly, most of us with anxiety get smarter with each excerbation.

Reemploy your coping techniques, get back to the doctor if you feel that medication is something you want to're going to nip this in the bud honey!  In the meantime...anything you need, I'm here for you...whether you need the help of the anxiety forum, or privately...don't hesitate, okay??

Thinking of you!  XOXO

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by Vance2335, Jan 15, 2013
I know exactly where you are coming from. I do the exact same thing. from time to time and think almost the exact same things. I actually stopped going to my therapist because for the most part I don't have these thoughts on a weekly basis so I was going in and we had nothing to talk about. So I am kind of stuck and just living with it.

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by krichar, Jan 15, 2013
I'm so sorry it is making headway again in your life.... I can say in not a stranger to it, but mine is completely irrational. I have nothing that leads to it....

Like you said to me I'm home this afternoon if you want to talk.... Sometimes that helps

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by Yrmacias, Jan 15, 2013
Anxiety really does suck! You should try acupuncture that helps me. Good luck!

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by adgal, Jan 15, 2013
Thanks for the support. And as much as I hate the idea of others dealing with this, it is nice to know it's not just me.  I think I've probably always had a bit of it, but it got so bad post partum and never really got totally better.  But I'm not going to ignore it - I hate feeling this way and fortunately I know there is help to be had.  Thank goodness for that. I hate the pill I take when I have a night like last night - it makes me feel completely dragged out the next day.  But it sure works.  I would like to try to continue without going back on medication, but we shall see.  It's pretty hard on my family when I'm in this place, so I need to make sure that if for no other reason, I'm dealing with it for them.

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by melimeli, Jan 15, 2013
I have had anxiety for years and never knew what it was.  With my 16 year old and 10 year old I felt their back every night multiple times to see if they were breathing until 2 years ago when I got meds.  Can you imagine feeling your 14 year old to check if she is breathing?  I would also obsess about the house burning down.  I would check the stove 3 times before going to bed.  When I started Celexa it fixed it all, now I don't feel there backs haha, I don't obsess, I can also sleep more soundly.  I hope you find peace

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by opus88, Jan 15, 2013
sending you some ((hugs)) adgal, for another who has suffered anxiety issues for much of my life, especially when it comes to all the 'what ifs' and our children &/or grandchildren.
yes, the antianxiety type meds do work....however use with caution, if in the benzodiazapine category. There are safer meds that can help if needed for long term use, talk to your doctor abt your choices....♥

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by AnnieBrooke, Jan 15, 2013
Along with something to get you some sleep, which I assume is the dragged-out pill, and a general anti-anxiety medication, you might try adding to the regime:

-  iron  (being borderline anemic, as a lot of women are, can exascerbate depression or anxiety)
-  Vitamin D  (what can I say, you live in Canada, it's winter.  I take 5,000 units a day)
-  Vitamin C  (helps with the iron intake)
and especially:
-  increase your daily exercise.  This not only tires you out so you sleep instead of giving your brain the chance to racket yourself to pieces, but also it tests as well as anti-anxiety meds in some tests.

Do them all, it's a quadruple whammy to help the meds.  If you exercise a lot, you probably won't need the dragged-out-mornings pill after a while.  But do keep with the Celexa or Zoloft or whatever, for a while.  It's mending a gap, not drugging you up.

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by adgal, Jan 15, 2013
Annie, funny you mention that, my Dr. has discussed almost all these things with me.  All Canadians should be taking vitamin D here in the winter.  We are even to give it to newborns - Ryder has been on it since birth.  I do take it and have for a number of years.  I also take an iron supplement.  That started during pregnancy when I did become borderline anemic.  

Exercise....working on  My husband recently bought a Euliptical for home and I've been getting on it after I put Ryder to bed at night.  Still not doing it enough, but it's a start. And a generous donor is building the agency I work for a staff gym we can use at lunchtime.  Should be ready soon.  It's tough to get to the gym with a full time job and a little one, so that's not a great option for me.  I do get a lot more exercise in the warm months as we only get about 8 hours of darkness then, so we are outside all the time.  You know, I have a lot less of this in the summer time for sure.  Hadn't thought of that before.  Ryder was even born in the winter, and it was after his birth this got really bad.  

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by nursegirl6572, Jan 15, 2013
Are you still going to therapy?  If not, I'd start that back up too.  I go twice a month and look forward to it!!!  I get to dump dump dump, and my therapist actually gives me all kinds of wonderful tips...coping mechanisms, its great.  It's funny, I'm paying her, REALLY to tell me things I already know, but when they're worded differently, and come from a therapist, they really make such an impression!

Do you have CBT available up there?  If you can find a therapist who knows his/her way around CBT...THAT'S the way to go!

Much love...keep posting, venting...whatever you need.

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by adgal, Jan 15, 2013
I was working with someone I really liked, then she relocated to another city.  She referred me to someone else, but I haven't seen her yet.  I dread the idea of starting over.  Originally, when this all started, I was seeing an actual Physciatrist that specialized in post partum.  He didn't really work on anything, just prescribed meds.  I stopped seeing him when he asked me to pray for made me very uncomfortable.  Not that I am against prayer, just wasn't comfortable having my Dr. ask me to pray for him, know what I mean?  That is a private thing to me.  I will go see the new therapist I was referred to.  Not sure what CBT is??  Is that when they have you face whatever your trigger is, and go through scenarios over and over again??

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by krichar, Jan 15, 2013
Alberta mental health has some great therapists and its free... Not that money is an issue but it helps you find someone you like with out having to dish out a ton of funds :)

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by AnnieBrooke, Jan 15, 2013
Well, it's ironic that of all those, exercise tests the best for beating anxiety and depression, because it's also the one that is least easy!  Or maybe that explains why depression and anxiety are so endemic in modern life; less physical labor.

One other thing I forgot to mention along with the vitamins and exercise is that research was recently published showing a link between sweetened-drink intake and depression.  (This is particularly ironic because a depressed person will often grab a Coke to have a sweet taste cheer them up.)  If you're in the habit of drinking soda at work, it might not be helping.

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by AnnieBrooke, Jan 15, 2013
I think CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy.  I've been thinking of seeing a therapist near where I live whose specialty is CBT for panic attacks I have occasionally experienced when driving on freeways.  Apparently it works the fastest and is the best for that kind of problem.

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by nursegirl6572, Jan 15, 2013
just wasn't comfortable having my Dr. ask me to pray for him, know what I mean?  Ummmm, yeah!  That's weird and innapropriate!  Eww!  As a p-doc, you don't really want to SHHOW too many signs of being vulnerable, or stressed, you know?  Like, sure, you're human and have your ow problems, but I'm here for you to make me less crazy...please be a rock!  LOL

CBT is cognitive behavioral's just uses a different methodology than the couch-lying therapy.  It has some of that too, but it focuses on retraining your way of thinking, for anxiety.  Awesome stuff!  There's a lot online about it, too.


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by adgal, Jan 15, 2013
Krichar, I can go under my companies plan.  Because the nature of our jobs can be so stressful, we get free counseling through Catholic Family Services.  I just sort of stopped when the therapist I was working with left...I dread the idea of starting over.

NG, yeah, it was pretty weird.  I was getting ready to leave one day and he said "Amanda, have I helped you"  I told him that yes, and the medication was working well for me - I really did respond well to it.  And he said will you pray for me?  I thought he was talking about his golf game he had mentioned going to later that day.  I was a bit taken aback and just said sure.  Then he said "pray that I stay humble and don't start to think I'm Godlike with healing" or something like that.  I never went back.  It was really really weird.  I posted about it in the anxiety forum not long after it happened.  

Annie, I'm going to make more of an effort to make sure I'm getting more daily exercise.  Your right, it is lacking in my life for sure.

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by Ashelen, Jan 15, 2013
I'm sorry you're going through this right now...I hope things ease for you soon :(. Things haven't been going well here but I'm doing ok holding the anxiety At bay....but I feel your pain. It can overwhelm you so fast...hugs, miss you

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by butterflybabies, Jan 15, 2013
I dont have issues with anxiety really so I cant really understand it. But wanted to tell you Im sorry you have to go through it again.

And I wanted you to know cause I read you do this but I put my hand on my boys back or tummy (depending on how they are sleeping) to check if they are breathing. I think as a mother we worry about everything! and especially for us as we fought so hard to become mothers.

I hope you start to feel better!! Sending you lots of hugs :)

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by pcarsey, Jan 16, 2013
Hello love, long time no talk... I have been a little "overdriven minded lately" (don't like to use the word anxiety - panic disorder) but it certainly are those things. Or they are part of "the problem". I am not sure of this because I only read your original post and skimmed the rest, but have you had your hormones checked? In May- out of the blue- I had the worst panic attacks- I worried about everything.. but the most thing was that I was dying.. not a long term kind of thing.. that I was seriously going to fall to sleep and never wake up. What would my family do? What would Brayden do if we were home alone and I died... Scott was working in Columbus during the week at the time and if he had called and didn't get ahold of me, he would have assumed I just was out and about with Bray. I called him right away when I was feeling tingly all over... He came home from Columbus... 2 hour drive and took me to the ER.. ER doc told me I had a ruptured cyst (this didn't make sense because I was on my period, but okay, he is the doctor... and then told me to follow up with my gyno. Meanwhile- A doctor friend of ours suggested I find an Endocrinologist that specialized in hormonal imbalances and have a complete hormonal panel workup done.  I passed this along to my Gyno and she blew that off entirely and acted as if I was just having a nervous breakdown and DEMANDED I leave there and drive straight to the mental health center. I again asked her about doing a hormonal workup and she said it was a waste of money and that she KNEW it wasn't that at all. I was completely devastated. Scott was furious- He said "listen, you don't know Patty outside this office like I know MY WIFE... she is not "crazy- she is not having a nervous breakdown- she is PANICING over things.  (I did not drive to the mental health center because I was NOT going crazy- no one just wakes up crazy- there has to be signs leading up to it.) However, your hormones can take a lot, and then one day go.. Nope, we've had enough. which causes a lot of symptoms.... exhaustion through the day, insomnia during the night, headaches, dry skin, panic attacks, anxiety etc... The visit ended up me going down to the lab (remember- I was on my period and had a cyst rupture) and having a vague test done and her assistant called me and told me my tests came back "normal". I was still so lost and now hurt that my OB blew me off like that. Scott was on a manhunt... he did not stop until he found an Endocrinologist here in Columbus (that is absolutely wonderful.. and even cracked a joke and said maybe my OB should visit the mental health  and she did a hormonal test on me for EVERYTHING.. my hormones were completely out of whack! I was diagnosed with  Hypothyroidism. Now I am on meds and trying to figure it all out and all the while researching everything about it. This is all new to me and very frightening! With the panic attacks and anxiety I do keep on hand xanax-  hate to have that as an option- but hey, it does work to calm me down and I only take when I can't shake this feeling..  She explained to me that OB/GYN's do not specialize in hormones and will just sign you off to a mental health center so you are no longer their responsibility. My OB tested me while I was still on my period and that is the wrong time to test. (I did not know this.) The Endo knew exactly when to test and called me throughout the whole process to see how I was feeling while we sorted this out... But with the anxiety- you are not alone!! Love ya ever so much and miss you tons and tons! Hope you feel better!!! (sorry this is so long)... if you would like to talk about anything... ever.... call me.. I miss hearing your voice too! =)

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by Melissa_71, Jan 17, 2013
Amanda, i'm so sorry to read you are having anxiety attacks again. it's so hard not to worry about our kids. i do it all the time. i worry about everything and i don't sleep well. i'm a "what if" person and have been told  by so many not to worry about things we cannot control. (easier said than done). you're right it's when we have that extra time that makes
us  do the thinking and worrying. i hope the meds help out. you're such a great person and you need to take care of yourself.  you're definately not alone. sending you hugs and hopefully a good night sleep.

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