Jan 15, 2013
I really don't know how much more stress I can manage, I really don't. I feel like I'm losing my mind, losing myself in all this mess.
For the last 10 months of my life, I have dealt with the loss of my mom to cancer. I'm still having a hard time dealing with the everyday grieving process with that alone. She wrote up a will and trust before she passed away, and I know she meant well in doing so when she appointed me, and me alone, as her sole executor and trustee over my minor sister's trust. For those that are unfamiliar with this lingo, an estate is the personal assets of the deceased, and a trust is basically a secured account that holds money for a set time before it is paid out to the person who inherits the trust. The person appointed to manage the account until that happens is the trustee.
My mom's death was more sudden and unexpected than we thought would be--we all knew her odds were not much beyond about two years, but...then one day, she was sick...and got sicker, weaker, incapacitated. She died after three weeks. I feel cheated, robbed, deceived. I've just been having a really hard time "getting over it."
Before her death, I knew nothing about what the heck an estate was, how it worked, how a trust worked. I had to learn fast in the midst of the most overwhelming loss and grief I've ever experienced in my life. Long story short, in a matter of a few days, I was given the "honor" of adding the legalities of two extra lives to my already hectic life of being a sole income earner on a pitiful salary, with two young kids and a husband in college. Yay for me, I am now liable for every bill, debt, asset, title, pet, property, taxes, and managing a trust.
Things did not pan out well between my younger sister (17) and me. She hardly speaks to me anymore and has decided to live with a bunch of busy-body, do-gooder, homewrecking a-holes from her private school, thanks to her "father" who signed over her legal guardianship and custody to these nuts--none of whom to this day he has even personally met. He lives halfway across the country, by the way. Oh yeah, and he doesn't want her, nor does she want to live with him.
I thought she and I were close. Mom and I thought my sister was serious when she said herself she wanted me to take care of her if Mom died before she was 19 (age of majority in our state). Well thanks to a brainwashing, cult-like private "Christian" school and her moron deadbeat father who thinks he's being some sort of hero by giving her everything she demands when she tells him without even an ounce of respect, he ruined her having any chance at a life without our mom that would have benefitted her as greatly as if Mom was still alive, given that I could have provided that. In the last year, between watching our mom die and then being isolated and brainwashed away from her own family by these school jerks, my sister is not the same person I knew. I don't know who she is anymore. In my opinion, she's falling apart and heading down a road of a lot of risks and there's not a damn thing I can do about it, because I'm "just her sister." I have no legal authoritative parental-type rights over her like Mom wanted me to have and had written into her will. My sister's father legally undid EVERYTHING for that matter, just because he his a "surviving parent," although not much a part of her life. Just having that "title" and having had joint custody when my mom was alive gives him the final say about everything now except her trust, and if she agrees with or wants what he offers her--I'm nothing to anyone in her life with any legal standing.
If I were to describe my sister as anything after this last year, it's hollow. In every sense, hollow. She used to be so mature, had great ambitions and huge potential to fill those ambitions. Now...I think she could join the Kardashian sisters or whoever the heck those dingbats are that do nothing but sit around looking pretty and making money without lifting a finger and have nothing of intelligence to offer the world. Maybe that's harsh to say of my own sister, but it's true, and it's true because she was uprooted from me, the one person who realizes she needs the structure and lifestyle that Mom gave her, and she needs grief counseling that these morons she's with will never get for her because she's not grieving. She hasn't grieved. She "looks happy" and "acts happy" being a bimbo and everyone is all hunky-dory with that, even though her grades have dropped so badly this last year and she's being allowed to make her own decisions with zero adult guidance. And believe me, she's making some crazy mistakes already; in this last week, I've had to bail her out of a huge debt she's already accrued--at the ripe old age of 17. So yeah...I lost my mom to death, then lost my sister to cult-like morons by the permission of her progenitor.
Anyway, over this last week, my oldest son had gotten sick with a stomach bug and had to be hospitalized in the ER for dehydration. I was there with him from midnight to 4:00. I went in to work the next day at noon. The day after that, my husband caught the bug. It took him down harder than my son for two days, but he managed to stay out of the hospital.
Earlier last week, I had to manage the sale of my mom's saddlebred horse, which my sister inherited as her own, but, being a minor, can't "own" it so I still have to manage the horse's title until she can transfer it to herself at age 19. At least, that's what was supposed to happen. That huge debt I mentioned she accrued? Due to the horse. She just didn't financially manage any responsibility to him, when all that required of her was to let me know what his bills were so I could budget it to her trust. She told me her dad decided to support the horse, so I heard nothing about bills due for months and assumed he took on the cost. Turns out, that wasn't the case. As you can imagine, having a debtor call me first thing in the morning about it, saying the horse can't be sold because there is now a lien on it, caught me off guard. I didn't even know the horse WAS for sale in the first place. Found out that my sister and her father do in fact want the horse sold, so away he went, as much as that broke my heart. Mom adored that horse.
But before he actually got shipped off, the stable keeper informed me the sale will remain on hold because a vet just found a lump in the horse's nose that could be cancer. A biopsy has been taken and if that's the case, I don't think the sale will fall through. So here we are with ALL the paperwork complete for the sale: transfer of title, registration, etc. A horse of this value is basically JUST like selling a car. But the sale is not complete until we find out if the horse has cancer.
Between severe illnesses and this horse issue last week, I ALSO found out that a portion of the trust money has an issue with it. For legal reasons, I won't mention anything else.
So, in the midst of all the chaos of vomit, diarrhea, the ER, phone calls, paperwork, money managing, a visit to my lawyer, anxiety and extreme sleep deprivation, I forgot all about doing a basic routine at home for the last five days. A BASIC ROUTINE. It should not have been forgotten by me, and I'm the only person who can do this basic routine. Well, because I fogot about it and neglected to do it for five days, I found the consequences when I did remember yesterday. The guilt and shame I feel are so immense that words can't even describe. I just want to crawl under a rock and cry and never come out.
And the icing on the freaking cake??? As if that wasn't it right there...
My oldest son, only five days after the stomach bug, wakes up at 1:00 this morning crying, feverish, body aches, and sore throat.
Awesome. Just. freaking. awesome.
He missed two days of school last week and now today and probably tomorrow, so he's REALLY behind on homework and getting him to do homework in the first place is a battle about 50% of the time because of his vision and auditory sensory issues making reading, spelling, and just being focused in general a challenge. My husband is taking him to the pediatrician this afternoon to get a swab test and antibiotics. Hopefully it's not the flu; I'm confident it's not because he gets strep like 4-6 times a year so I know these symptoms all too well. This has been a breaking point though, and I called the ENT this morning to set up a consultation next week to discuss a tonsilectomy that I hope they'll do for him, preferably over spring break if they do.
I'm just wiped out, emotionally drained, and depressed from grief. It's like there is a road block with every step I take, or a slap in the face, or both. I want my life back. I want what I had back two years before this time--when I had my sweet family and I was content with life even though it wasn't easy, and I had my mom and my best friend, I had my kid sister who practically lived with us on the weekends and actually loved me and my family back then, but she's forgotten us now unless she needs money. In the last two years, it's like my whole sense of contentedness and security has unravelled before my eyes. Part of my family have been lost and another has fallen apart. I've dealt with more death this year, both physical and of relationships, than any other time in my life. In two years, I feel like I've aged 10 years, mainly just in these last 10 months. I feel numb to any optimism and even bad news anymore. It's like I expect crap to happen now and I'll have to clean up the mess, and if anything good happens, I feel like it's just short-lived. I know that's not true and I have a lot to be thankful for, but...I'm just tired. Spent.
I don't want to have to manage any of this anymore. I just want my family back. I want my life back. I want my mom back. I hate that, even with all the emotional and physical support I get from my friends and family, it still all comes back to me. I am the sole executor, so my name is the only name legally recognized that counts for anything. I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick and tired of being "strong." Screw being strong. I want this over.