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School - Anxiety - Sadness - Confusion...

Jan 31, 2013 - 8 comments

I dont know how i feel. I started school today... it was fun, but at the same time i had this anxious feeling all day. It is probably normal for most students i guess, you know having 5 weeks of holidays then suddenly coming back to school (especially if you were me)..... But i just felt like i wanted to speak the truth to one of my teachers. Most of the teachers gave us some inspiring and helpful advice most of the day, saying things like ' this is the time to take it seriously.... where we are preparing you for year 12...'. Something like that.... BUt everytime i here about year 12, i get scared or worried... What bothers me now is that i dont believe in myself enough to get motivated. Yes i get good marks.... But i feel like an idiot towards others. I was even so scared of year 9, that i wanted to stay back in year 8. Everyone told me i was crazy, but i just didnt want ot be the "dumb year 9".
I feel like something is holding me back.... i cant figure out what it is...
The anxiety makes me really upset, and i may exaggerate it in a way, and i know it shouldn't be that nerve-racking. I want to cry, and sometimes i can't. I am right now though.... I dont knwo the real reason why...

I hate myself for this in so many ways.... but i may want attention. My counsellor told me a while ago that its ok to want attention, and we all need it every once in a while.  The last thing i want is to be labelled as an "attention seeker". My counsellor also told me to not think of myself that way, but that is the only thing that is on my mind all day. I dont want to be an attention seeker, And i am not completely sure if i am..... But its just a suggestion i guess of the way i feel....
I have my happy days, then i have my doubtful days, and my sad days, then my frustrated and angry days....
What is behind all this.... Do i have some kind of mental disorder..... What is wrong with me......Am i making this all up, as if i were living in some story.
I know i sound stupid.

Why cant i just scream... let it all out......cry a lot........but no, i cant do anything. Just keep it bottled up i guess. I dont want to bother others with my problems. I feel like i am wasting there time. Coming to them with problem after problem (all basically related to the same thing...), and not really getting a solution. I feel better for a few days, and think it will all be over, the doubt, the anxiety, but as if......

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4059843 tn?1516799521
by mishymoshymarcy, Jan 31, 2013

I think i feel a little better after writing it somewhere.....

Avatar universal
by MandyCake, Jan 31, 2013
First thing I want to do is hug you and tell you that you are brave, couragious, intellegent girl.  The fact you have reached out to your counselor and get good grades is something to be proud of.

Everyone suffers different degree's of anxiety.  With this said, when anxiety is overwhelming and prevents you from enjoying life, then I would say it has crossed over into the panic attack stage.  I'm not a doctor, etc, but there is such a thing as Panic Disorder.  

Do you keep a mood journal to document the highs and lows you feel and how they shift?  I ask because it may be helpful for you to do so.  Then if able, bring this and all of your concerns to your primary doctor.  I do feel it is important that you have an appointment with your doctor who is better able to evaluate and treat you.

Be well, be safe.

3604491 tn?1360717329
by Gelise, Jan 31, 2013
You're just fine :) I always feel better after venting too.
Anxiety over school is understandable, the only thing I would say is: stop worrying about it. Nothing really changes from one year to the next. I promise you that. Lemme know if I can help you. :)

4059843 tn?1516799521
by mishymoshymarcy, Feb 01, 2013
Thanks MandyCake and Gelise. I do keep a journal that i write in every once in a while, but not usually. If i do have to see a doctor then I would prefer to do it alone. I dont speak to my mum about anything when they ask me how my day at school went. And yes the anxiety ruins my day and is on the borderline of being overwhelming. For example today i had it all day and i can assure you that if it was the slightest bit stronger, i would have screamed and made a fool of myself. I felt like i was going to completely lose it! Or even just go somewhere we i can scream. I got home today, and i felt restless. I shut myself in my room as always, and silently screamed, while holding my stomache, as if the damn thing was killing me. I dont know what to do anymore....
I had a chat to one of the adults/teachers at my school, and she made me feel a little better.
I never imagined that my situations would be causing me to have something similar to a panick attack.
Thanks to you both :)

Avatar universal
by roro734, Feb 01, 2013
Hi, I kinda know what your talking about in a way. i've been having anxiety since Oct. and i just came out of it last week thank god. but for the last 4 days i've had alot of stress and it's made me feel really wired like i'm not in my face and i'm light headed, and i feel like i'm going to pass out! i've felt alot of wired things, ever to the point of where i feel like i have to be around someone and all the attenion i get i feel like i need more. let me just tell you that all this is from the (Devil) he wants all of us to get down and out! it's just lies. and yes you will pass this bad time in your life. have hope and try not to get so upset! it wont last its just a feeling. try to do things that make you happy and give your self attenion, show your self that you care for your self. maybe doing that will help. i will be praying for you.

4059843 tn?1516799521
by mishymoshymarcy, Feb 01, 2013
Thanks roro. I will give it a go. And yes that is exactly how i feel...

Avatar universal
by MandyCake, Feb 01, 2013

I'm glad you were able to go to one of your teachers to discuss this.  Panic Attacks can get pretty bad.  Sweating, Shakey, sick to stomach, dizzy, feeling like you are going to pass out.  Where you have a panic attack can be a trigger for further ones in the same area. Example:  My first Panic Attack was in a grocery store, so immediately the next time I went to a grocery store, my body remembered what happened and went into the flight mode, triggering anxiety.  I still went into the store but then the panic increased.  Eventually it got so bad I could not go out, not just to the store, but out of the house.  Then I started having them while I isolated inside my home and at that point had to seek out help.  In doing so, I was prescribed some meds that helped control the severity of these attacks.

If able, do not put off seeing the doctor, okay?  Doing so can make this illness worse.

Hugs to you.

4059843 tn?1516799521
by mishymoshymarcy, Feb 01, 2013

Thanks. The only thing is i am not certain if it is a panic attack. Although to both of us, with how i am feeling, it seems like one. Is it possible for a panic attack to last hours??  Also i am not sure how to see a doctor. I mean none of my family know how i am feeling now, and i do not plan on telling them. If i do ever somehow try to talk to them, they dont understand and tell me its my fault i feel the way i do. This pain is what caused me to think of suicide before, and harm myself, so i know what is to come if it keeps going.
I just wish i could get help (apart from my counsellor...) without anyone from my family knowing.
Thanks. x
P.S I hope you feel better soon.

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