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Feb 06, 2013 - 0 comments

I was sick yesterday with a Gastro and was barely able to keep anything in. So it's normal that my heart rythm is faster since it doesn't have enough liquids nor food to keep going. I woke up feeling better in the stomac but odd everywhere else. Dizzy and plainly like something isn't going well, I move slowly because I fear if I move faster I'll fall over. I can feel something is odd about my heart because of how it feels over it. I get my stetoscope and read my heart beat, sounds fast and is. 120bpm. Normally I"m in the 80's when I get up. I go take my shower and move oh so slow as to not get it more excited. I feel anxiety coming over me and a panic attack. I use the technique I've learned. The One Move and seems to keep the panic attack at bay but it's still lingering. I go in the kitchen and get something to drink . Once when I called the Crisis line they said to take a tall glass of water because sometimes our heart beats faster  when we are dehydrated. I drink slowly because I'm not sure how my stomach will take it since it's empty. I make toast and take a small bite. The kids are calling I slowly get to them and deal with the morning issues. Back to the juice and toast. Seems to be going in . I 've got a lump in the pit of my stomach but I keep on eating. Go check my heart beat again see if it's slower. It is 100bpm, ok so maybe it was because I needed fuel.

Still the events of the week presses on my mind. The trip to the ER from the doctors office because they say I may have a pulmunary embolis. Tests say it isn't that but they still want me to go to to the thrombosis unit to the farthest hospital. Driving is hard of late, I get panic attack and the highway is the most direct way but I can't get on by myself and mom was sick yesteray too so she can't cover for me at my home daycare. What would the parents do if they knew I suffered from anxiety so badly...

I finish my breakfast, and feel a bit better. I get some spasm on my chest's left side. Part of my think it's muscular another think it's my heart. I know its a bit of both because of my anxiety but I wonder if it could be because of other hidden issues.

My son is not listening and I must stop writing even if this is theraputic the day still goes on and I must push ahead.

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