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Break time?

Feb 08, 2013 - 13 comments

I've been wanting to journal about my feelings for a while now, but I just can't ever seem to find the words. I think about what I'm feeling, and know what I want to say, but when it comes to it, I just don't know.

I'm very conflicted with many things right now, and I just don't know what way to turn. Since Christmas I've been down, very down, and nothing or no one can help that. I feel very out of control with everything and it's driving me crazy. I'm a control freak, and have OCD and so when things do not go a certain way I have major anxiety.

I had a job that I loved, and I took that job because even though it was only a contract job for 6-months, I was told it was 'more than likely' going to become permanent (As the case with most jobs here). I found out in November that it wasn't going to be permanent, and I've been searching for another one ever since. My contract finished 3 weeks ago, and here I am still unemployed. I know it's the case world wide at the minute but it's horrible. I have excellent high school grades, a college diploma and a degree and tonnes of experience in various roles and it's just so difficult to get anything.

I've always wanted to be a teacher, but I cannot be one until I do my final post-grad qualification.
I cannot afford to gain that qualification until I find another job.
We had started planning our wedding, but can't book anything for definite until I find another job.
Last year, we moved out of the horrible, cold flat we had and decided to move back in with my mum until we found something we liked and could save up more money - a year on and we're STILL here.
It's been a year since the miscarriage, and we still don't have a baby.

I just feel like everything I/we want out of life and so far out of reach that there's not much point in even aiming to get any of it any more because we're just going to be more and more let down.
It's not fair to bring a baby into the equation right now with everything the way it is and that kills me.

Truth be told, I'm not even anywhere near over the miscarriage last year to probably be in the right frame of mind for another pregnancy. Like I've already mentioned, the past month or so I've been really, really down. My poor DF just doesn't know what to do with me. He's so upset seeing me the way I am and he said he just feels helpless and can't bare it. He says I need help, I need to speak to someone because this just isn't normal.

Don't get me wrong, there are some days when I am okay but to be honest, they're very few and far between. I think not being able to work, or get things going with other plans the way I want to is making it all that more worse. He said I need to stop thinking about needing a baby so much because it's taking over my life.

I just feel so alone. None of my friends want kids right now, in fact, most of them aren't even considering anything like that for a good few years so they don't understand. They also don't understand the pain of miscarriage. They say 'don't worry, it's just not meant to be' or 'it just wasn't the right time' but that's just empty words to me. I feel myself getting angry when I'm told things like that because they just don't understand at all. I feel like no one does.

Recently I've been so close to just going to the doctor and going back on the Pill and re-visiting TTC in a few years. Maybe that'll help? Maybe by then it will be easier? Who knows. All I know is that from a very young ago all I ever wanted to do was be a mum. To have that baby grow inside of me, to feel it's kicks and watch it grow. To hold it in my arms and nourish it and care for it for the rest of it's life. To build a happy home and family. I don't care about a high-flying career, lots of money or a big fancy house. I don't need that - to me that's just an empty life.

Yet, I cannot seem to get what I crave so much and it's the most frustrating thing I have ever felt.

Last night DF and I talked - for over 4 hours about everything. Well, he spoke mostly and I sat crying. He said I need counselling, and I need to talk to someone and work through everything because it's not normal to have this defeatist attitude about my life and everything around me. He said I should be able to look at the positives and focus on those and the rest will come from that. But to be honest, like I told him, I don't see any positive in my life right now. There is not one thing I can say 'I'm happy about this' right now.

I feel so conflicted, though. Maybe I'm just feeling so down because I don't have a job right now either. Maybe once I'm back working and earning and we can start the ball rolling on the good things we want that I'll feel better. Or maybe I won't. I don't know.

Anyway, I apologise for all those ramblings. They make no sense and my words are all over the place - like my mind right now.

What I do know is that I need a break. A break from trying to get that baby I so desperately crave and a break from focussing my every thought on that. So, that also means a break from MH. Part of me doesn't want to take a break from here, because you're all so lovely and supportive and I feel like I can say anything and there will be at least one lady who (sadly) can relate to it. But there's also that other part where I feel like coming on here every day and seeing all those who struggled like me all this time, get what they deserve and I'm still sitting here at the back waiting. That's hard, really hard. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm unbelievably happy for those ladies, and I think the world of them, but by being so involved in MH each day, I think I'm only bringing myself down more and it's helping me focus on the negatives that are taking over my mind and so I think by eliminating that aspect, it will help me.

I'll also be contacting the doctor next week and look into seeing a counsellor. I'm not going to the doctor and asking for pills because I really do not believe they actually help most of the time - they just mask the problem and make you feel better. I want my issues dealt with properly, 'the natural way' in you will.

Who knows, maybe I'll feel worse by keeping away from MH, especially when seeing a counsellor, and I'll be back within a week! But I won't know until I try.

So for now it's goodbye on my dream of becoming a mummy, and goodbye to MH.
I will still be on Facebook and those of you who I have on Facebook, I will obviously still keep in contact with you via there. Right now, however, this is what I need to do.

I love you all!! <3

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by khawkins, Feb 08, 2013
Sending big hugs to you Carly. You are amazing and you will find yourself, I promise. Xo

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by krichar, Feb 08, 2013
Well I wish you well, I truly do :) I know how hard it is to feel like everything you ever wanted is just out of reach. I will say I went to therapy before my fet with T and it helped... I was like you, so down and out, no positives at all to see. Yes I have an older son and I've had that thrown in my face on this site more then I would have liked but he was part of the sadness. I blamed myself a lot of the times for his disabilities and being around him was more stress then happy. I had to quit a job I loved and was good at to be home with him and take a casual minimal job, I felt trapped and broken, especially after my big loss....

The therapy really helped clear my mind, I also did accupuncture and all the techniques put together really helped me.... I hope you find some peace and we will see you back soon, good luck my friend :)

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by xx_Louise_xx, Feb 08, 2013
I think that's a very wise decision Carly, and you should very proud of yourself for recognising that this needs to be done before a baby comes, and trust me, it will! Like you've said yourself, it's not just the TTC aspect that's affecting u, it's everyday, work, family, relationships... So I think it's great you're doing this. You know there's loads of us that'll miss u, but we have u on facey b anyway! If u Eva need a chat vent or whatever, u know where we all our! Concentrate on making you happy.... The rest in life will follow, I truly believe that! Take care Hun, make sure u come back!! ;) All the best, xxx

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by retta483, Feb 08, 2013
Oh Carly, Im all teary eyed  reading your post . I think what you are feeling is normal for someone who has been threw a loss and hasn't concieved after that loss.  It is ok to cry and have a down day but please find that inner strenght  and keep on trying  . I woulden't go on the pill if it has been a yr id get your hormones checked and see what they can do for you . I know when the time comes you are going to be a great mom :)  I think counciling will help helped me with ppd  always praying for us ttc people . chose to be happy & positive i really believe  you will get a positive results !  GL with the job hunt

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by KTowne, Feb 08, 2013
I'm praying for you Carly, I hope everything turns around for you!!

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by cheekyhalfs, Feb 08, 2013
Awe Carly I think you really have made very brave & wise decisions, and I totally agree with what your friend Louise has said. To recognise and know this in your self can only point in a positive direction eventually. You go and speak to someone - a support group maybe too with people running it who are in the same position may help as they, unlike your closest friends etc, will understand, and get yourself feeling well. You have far too much battling your brain & heart right now.

I agree with everything you have said, it made perfect sense trust me hun (esp about seeing folk on here eventually get their pregnancy/babies, as I too found this painfully hard...)

I will miss you on here, but you need to take care of the most important person in all this, you (and your DF). I wish you both all the very best and I hope some day really soon your broken heart mends & actually not so broken head as you couldn't have explained everything any better, and that we meet again here sometime in the not so distant future.

Best of luck on the job front, I hope something deserving of you comes your way very soon!

Take lots of care xx.

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by zara2010, Feb 08, 2013
Ah Carly Im actually crying here into my phone.. so much of what you have said I have felt and I know where your at and some of the pain you are feeling... a break is prob the best thing you can do for u and your relationship not to mention your sanity. Sometimes we need to sit back and take a look at where things are and where we want them to go. I can see and have felt the effects of MH when your not concieving and its just awful to watch and see everyone else with what you want it really does depress u more thats why I left last yr. You will be sorely missed darlin but I wish u and DF all the very best I possibly could. You have been a great friend and TTC partner through my journey I will never forget you!! I know with some counselling you will start to recover from the m/c and path a bright future for you and DF... dont be afraid Carly things will work out for you, you have such strength which will get you through this. All my love Zara remember I have very open arms and im here as and when u might need me xxxx

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by hopeitworks, Feb 08, 2013
Wishing you the best of luck, and I know your time is soon. I hope this break is what you need and your able to be happy again. Take care! and Hugs!!

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by Yrmacias, Feb 08, 2013
I'm not sure if you will get back on MH, but if you do please now that what you are going through I have been through as well. Depression, Anxiety, Fear, disappointment with life. Seems as though you need to take one thing at a time. Finding a new job would be first, getting married would be second, finding a home would be third and then having a baby should be the last on your list ONLY because you want to be stable financially and emotionally to bring a baby and be able to experience motherhood when you are at your best :)

I think you DF is absolutely right you should talk to someone who can hear you.  Its hard for friends/family and even our DH to some times understand us 'cause they are not in your current frame of mind. When I went thru my dark moment it lasted about 5 months I wasnt happy w/ my job, i wasnt getting pregnant, wasnt getting answers, I was constantly crying just about daily so unhappy w/ my life. my DH also talked to me and told me to do something that he didnt know what to do to make me happy anymore that he was worried and didnt want me to go off the deep end. I started doing accupuncture and using my accupuncturist as my therapist (lol) then slowly I started realizing that I had to just accept the fact that at the moment my DH is my life and that I wasnt going to allow my infertility issues to destroy my marriage. I had to put myself back when I meet my DH and married him how happy and in love I was (we were) how much we enjoyed life and looked to a future together (w/ kids of course) and how unfair I had been the last 5 months while I was depressed crying and crying while he was trying to just make me happy. What if the roles were reversed and he was the one depressed and crying and crying would I like that? It took all my strenght and soul to let go of TTC for a bit and focus on me, my marriage ONLY like we did when we were honeymooners. On top of everything i LOVE my DH more then anything in this world and I could not or would not imagine my life w/ out him so I had to refocus my life and energy on us, we started traveling again. Even though I would still thing of TTC everytime I got AF i was self conscious of my clock ticking and stuff, but I took a more practical approac to TTC. I let go of the stress that my work was causing and realized work and material stuff (your right) is an emptly life. I work to live not live to work.
Anyways sorry for the rambling....but one thing at a time my dear and you will see it will all fall into place once you let it all go and focus on one. Enjoy your relationship, enjoy your wedding plans, your wedding, your marriage, save money for a home/baby and things will be good. xoxo

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by laureninlove, Feb 08, 2013
Carly you and I both know how strangely twin like our lives are, so I do t need to bleet on about how everything you've said is almost exactly how I feel. I think I'd feel exactly the same way if I didn't have my job, you've made me realise I'm very grateful actually for being employed. I feel defeated too, and like I've waited too long for that good karma, it simply doesn't feel like its ever going to come! It's so easy for people to say 'it will it will, be positive' but sometimes there really is nothing wrong with facing the cold hard reality. What IS important is figuring a plan for how to get out if it, and having faith in one day that it will eventually happen. We never know when a good thing is going to happen, things can turn like a flick of a button. And I understand 100% how it feels to consistently have things go wrong or stay stagnantly difficult.

My one bit if advice is to find another focus, counselling will tell you that too. You need something in your life you can control, it may take some time to find it but finding something positive you can do is far better than painfully reminding yourself of the negative things currently taking over your life. Full your life with things you love to do, for yourself, with friends, with DF. Your fiancé is your greatest source of comfort and happiness, try hard to remember the happiness he brings you. Laugh together and have fun together. And before you know it all the other missing pieces will come together over time. Xx

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by MrsPincince, Feb 08, 2013
Carly, you are strong, amazing and a bright young lady..I know things may seem out of control but this too will pass. Take all the time you need and I know you will come out of this happier. I will always be thinking of you and praying that you find solace. Everything will come together..xoxo

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by adgal, Feb 08, 2013
Sometimes a break is a good thing.  I remember feeling so much of what you describe when I was going through my losses, and I too took a break.  I also sought counseling as I too was in a very deep dark place.  You have to do the right thing for you right now and there is never any shame in getting help.  I wish you well sweet girl, and hope to see you back eventually feeling good about life again.  xo

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by dcsteed, Feb 08, 2013
I will be praying for you and hope you decide to come back really soon xxxx

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