All Journal Entries Journals

Feeling a little hopeless...

Feb 12, 2013 - 2 comments





Back pain






prescription meds








no energy




Poor Health

I currently feel like a complete prisoner to prescription medications. I want my life back...I want my health back...I want my happiness back...I can't live like this anymore! I'm beginning to feel like this is it. This is forever, my life will be this way till the day I die. No interest in seeing friends, keeping friends, maintaining friendships. No energy to spend REAL quality time with family without feeling fatigued and grumpy. No ambitions or motivations. A MUCH less-than-perfect relationship.
I hate living this small and insignificantly. I don't have any sort of purpose in my life at this point...I have no energy to care or thrive.

I've read such horror stories about people trying to get off of Effexor and Cymbalta. I've searched and searched for good, positive success stories and found an endless amount of stories that terrified me. Months of withdrawals, a full year or more of hell...I don't even know if it's work breaking free from these chains.
One person said their doctor told them they would just have to be on Cymbalta for the rest of their lives, as it was the "best thing to do for your brain chemistry". I'm so sick of feeling like a prisoner to this crap.

I want my old life back. I NEED to feel healthy and alive again. I know I'm physically alive, but I feel dead.
I just want to lay/mope around because I don't even know how to begin this mess I've gotten myself in to. This mess my DOCTORS who I TRUSTED, got me in to. With no warning at all, here's a medication that will SCREW up your life forever! Hope it helps!

I got over the Vicodin hurdle, but life isn't any better. I often feel like I miss the Vicodin because it was only at those moments of taking it that I could feel something. I felt happiness, enthusiasm, love. I know it's not healthy and I quit that stuff for the best, but I can't help but miss the only glimpses of happiness I had at this point. I would LOVE to exercise but I can't even clean my room and do regular household chores. When I try to make myself, I feel as if I'm going to pass out or vomit. It makes me physically ill to the point where all I could do is cry from helplessness. I am a germophobe (not a word, but it's what I call it) and an organized, neat freak. It is extremely out of character to be living in the state I am right now. My room is a mess. There's clutter everywhere. The dust is thick. The rug hasn't had a good cleaning in who knows how long. My bathroom shower is getting more disgusting everyday. All of it makes me cry. The worst part about it is I have a partner that doesn't help the situation at all. He works more than me but he also sees how this is all killing me and still doesn't lift a finger around here. I have to tell him to do things and even then he forgets to finish things (such as leaving the clothes in the dryer for TWO DAYS) or leaving hampers of clean clothing around our bedroom.

I'm even at the point where I want out of this damn relationship because it's really not helping my situation in the least. I love him with all of my heart and I know it's real but I just am not fully in this right now. The worst of it all is that I live in his house with his parents. I have no place else to go. I'm 25, still in school, and have a part time job that doesn't give near enough hours to move out on my own. So I feel stuck. I feel stuck in so many aspects of my life right now.
I don't even know where to begin or what to fix first. The Vicodin was a start but it's only a small dent in this huge issue. I'm also going to a Chiropractor for my back pain. I researched a bunch of psychiatrists covered by my insurance because I'm only on my mom's insurance till the end of this year and won't be able to afford being dependent on ANY medications once that happens. I still have so far to go...

The worst is that I lack the energy to do things I know will help me. I've tried Vitamins...I can't do caffeine anymore because I've grown sensitive to it because of the medications I'm on. I went back to Effexor because the Cymbalta put me in a fog 24/7 and gave me Restless legs and arms. I couldn't stand the feeling anymore.

I feel so helpless/hopeless right now. Don't know where to turn anymore.

Post a Comment
4804873 tn?1360162537
by Overwhelmed10, Feb 12, 2013
Oh honey-I just want to give you a big hug. ..Oh how I know how you feel!  I kow empathizing with you isn't helping your situation one bit-but I want you to know you are not alone, and that someone else is going through exact same thing.  I could've written this myself-right down to the messy partner ;).  Its hard when you are neat freak and you cannot clean-I'm there RIGHT now and now everything is such a mess I'm completely overwhelmed.  
I want to say this-you are SO young and sound so mature and bright and caring..if I could go back to 25-WOW.  I know you feel so stuck and so hopeless like "this is it?  this is life?"  But please know-you WILL look back on this someday and be glad you got through it.  That it may be a dark time, but you will make it out the other side.  I can tell-you are just too smart and have too much going for you.  All these feeling are after effects from the damn pills-I feel the same feelings.  

I don't think you should have to feel sio bad from your anti-depressants.  I have been on several-I was on Effexor and it made me crazy.  Do you think you can talk to your doctor and be assertive that these are NOT working for you?  There are SO many alternatives, I don't think you should have to suffer.  Of course we are going to suffer for a bit because of our brains recovering from the pain pills.  You have done SO great with that!  You did it-no relapse-you did it!!  You should be so proud!  I've not been able to-and now I'm on a God-awful taper...just dragging the pain out, lol.  You need to pat yourself on the back a little more, and quit being so hard on yourself.  Baby yourself for just a little longer, please?  :)  I know we want things back "immediately", but its going to take a little time.  Don't make any rash decisions about your partner while in this state of mind, if you can help it.  Gosh I know its so hard sweetie-I wish i had more advice.  All I can say is please hang in there.   You have so much life ahead of you-you will look back and see this as a small road block that you overcame.  I just wanted to let you know you are not alone-I wish you could talk to a counselor or a therapist?  Oh I just saw you were researching psychiatrists.  Good-try to talk to one.  They can break things down so you aren't looking at this giant picture that you have to fix all at once.  You need to know how to start going about taking small steps.  I know thats how mine helps me.  

Hang in there and keep posting.  Hugs..

4753943 tn?1359934569
by ItstheSky, Feb 12, 2013
Thanks...I think I will try to see a therapist in conjunction with a psychiatrist. I've found psychiatrists try to analyze you too much. I just want to see one for medication management to help me get out of this mess.

I hope that soon I will be able to realize everything you're saying is true...that I'm young and have a lot going for me...and that I will look back on this one day as a learning experience and my life will be better. I hope that day comes and that I could at least believe that this isn't the end of the world. That's exactly how it feels right now.

I'm trying not to make any rash decisions about my relationship. It's hard to right now because of my living situation, anyway. But we've had problems before I was so tangled up with prescription meds. It's always been a roller coaster. This is the first person I have actually seen a future with and we've been so supportive with each others issues. That spark that keeps things alive just isn't there anymore. It wasn't there even before this mess. I thought we could make it come back but it has only gotten worse.

Thanks for the support. I feel like some people on this site know more about my life than anyone actually involved in my life- including family. It's so helpful though.

Post a Comment