Upcoming Surgery and my feelings

Feb 21, 2013 - 5 comments

AS you all know when I feel overwhelmed I journal they often dont flow and my words are all over the place as this one will probably be as well.Its my way of releasing what I am feeling and letting go of it

So surgery is fast approaching when I 1st got the date I thought geesh thats light years ok maybe not lighyears but a ways away and  now bam here I am less than a week away
I have some worry and often find myself tearing up just at the thoughts of it.
I knew the time was coming but I mean god to be 29 yrs old and have all my womanly parts removed. The parts that make me who I am, the parts that made me a mother. Its so upsetting. Its so  hard to swallow that I myself most liklely will never be able to feel that precious joy and moments of life inside me again. I cant thank god enough for letting me have my chance and giving us one of his precious angels. I thank him evernight and will for the rest of my life. I always prayed for just one child one baby to be able to love and care for. We got her and I wont go back on my word. I promised god if I was just given the chance to be a mom and if I was only meant to have 1 I would accept that.

Im working on that. I mean I accept it I really do it just doesnt make it easier to swallow.
I also think about DF, the last year has been alot. We had Quinlan then lost his mom, then he had yet another job transfer/transition, then he had the grusome holiday seaon in retail, then we get hit with surgery and then possibly the C word, then ok we are more likely than not doing a total hysterctomy, so ok no more children, and we are approaching my MIL 1yr mark. I know he has alot on his plate and he keeps it all bottled up. I know he needs to release it and I want to know he is ok as well

Then of course there is my little miracle Quinlan. God she is my world. My snuggle bunny. I have never been away from her. Not for one single night. How am I going to do this. How is she going to be when Mom isnt here to put her to bed, when Im not here in the am. I worry she is going to think I have left her and will never be back.
Then I wont be able to carry her or hold her for some time. This makes me cry jus thinking about that

I know everything is going to be ok. I know we are strong we dont get anything we cant handle. I know I have amamzing support in place. I know we will pull through this the good and the bad. I know in the end it will be OK it will be OK!!!
I just pray now for the strength to be strong, the patience not to become a raging B!tch when they remove all my lady parts, I pray for patience from DF or I should say continued patience. That he understands Its not me screaming at him its my lady parts missing screaming at him

The Dr said if I can go 6-12 months with no estrogen replacement that it will be best

Then I think my lord. After all this will I be ok. Will the endometriosis stay away. Will it not come back, Have I been through enough at that point that I can enjoy the rest of my life pain free from this disease?

I pray that we will teach Quinlan to be a loving caring giving person that although in all likely hood she will be a only child may she know that she isnt going to be handled things on a golden platter or eat froma silver spoon, she will be provided for Im sure in every way imagine and have all the things and more that she needs but she will earn them and know that you have to wrk for things in life.

I pray we can teach her to be indepedent to chase her dreams whereever they take her and for her to know how much she is loved

Im not really sure how to end this...It just sorta fades off here for now. My thoughts and feelings......Any input from anyone having gone through a total hysterctomy would be great advce words of wisdom recommendations. I am open

Thank you always for reading my wandering thoughts and commenting


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by krichar, Feb 21, 2013
First of all they are not rambling... It makes perfect sense to me (maybe that's why God brought us together:))... I'm tearing up just reading this because I know you hurt but are trying to be strong. it is ok to let to and be vulnerable, you have so man people there (and here) for you. DF (still giggle typing that) will understand, I know he will... Maybe he's getting it all out now so he can be your rock then.

As for miss Q... She will be fine. It will be harder on you then her for sure. She will come see you everyday and you'll be home before you know it. And once you're home you will figure out a way to still snuggle with her and hold her. It is going to be ok... And if you need to scream just call me, I'll understand :) ((hugs)) to you from afar and remember I'm always here

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by Mom2boys1980, Feb 21, 2013
Hun, it's okay to feel the way you do, just know that we are here to support you in any way. I will keep you in my prayers, just have faith and strongly believe everything will be fine.

Don't worry about Quinlan, she will be fine. I'm sure you have great family to watch and take care of her, don't stress yourself more than you already are. Take care of yourself, you seem like a strong person and you also seem like you don't give up on anything which is great, god will be there for you and like you said god does not give you what you can't handle but you just need to have faith and believe.

Take care and don't stress, remember god always has a plan for each one of us :)

Sending you a big hug,


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by sisi2399, Feb 21, 2013
You made me tear with your words.....All I can say is, it makes perfect sense to me that you feel this way.  I would be a mess just like you and would be crying my eyes out but it is for the best of you, Miss Q and your whole family. Look at what a beautiful baby girl you have and be happy that this is all happening after you had the chance to have your baby.  Cry all you want, it is healthy!!! Know that I will be praying for you my dear

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by Des_a_rae, Feb 21, 2013
I don't think it's ramble either..it's feelings.. no matter good, bad, happy or sad..it's YOU.  I think you're a very strong woman, very caring and compassionate.  You know what's best for you..and your family.  I pray your surgery goes well..I pray for peace in the upcoming days to surgery and I pray this helps you in your relief and all your worries.  My aunt had a total hysterectomy at 29 because of endo and she said she'd do it again in a heartbeat.  That was years ago also and never had any problems..so since medicine and dr.'s have advanced, I'd expect the same from your surgery :).  

I also want to say that Lil Miss Q...What a cutie pie she is, has some of the best parents I've ever seen.  She's going to be/is a wonderful child and an amazing woman because of you both!!  I don't think you have anything to worry about..she will amaze you..but you both need to take the credit! :) I'm thankful you've shared your story with me personally..it's given me hope and I love seeing Miss Q grow and reading your journals about the things she doing and learning.  It helps me because I may not ever get to experience that..and seeing and reading about her puts a smile on my face.  I know there may come a time in our lives where I may not be here anymore..or you and your family may have moved on as well but I do know without a doubt that you all will be ok.  Your love is strong, your DF sounds amazing and you're an amazing woman Leanne...  I wish you the absolute best!! :)

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by butterflybabies, Feb 21, 2013
We are here for you to let out your feelings. You are so strong to have been through and still going through all this. I pray that this will be your last surgery. And Q im sure will grow up to be an amazing person. How can she not when she has such great role models in you and df! I will pray for a speedy recovery and success in this surgery.

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