Mar 04, 2013
29 days clean today.....almost a month. I see all off these awesome posts like "One month and feeling great!" and "thirty (whatever...insert number here) days and doing fine". And yet I don't feel "great", "fine" or awesome. In fact I feel worse than I did at day 10. I honest to god feel like I am sliding backwards....falling into a pit. Exhausted all the time. No energy. No ambition. Everything seems to be caving in on me. Still don't feel like I can go back to work....bills piling up....days flying past and they're all the same blah blah blah...and nothing appears to have changed.
It just doesn't seem like I have accomplished anything by getting clean. Except that now I can't chase away the blues with a little buzz. Not really craving at all. Don't even have the ambition for that. Had to sell my Firebird Friday to keep paying the bills. I sold it to.....well gave it away basically.....an old buddy. He came to sign the BOS and give me a down payment (I keep the title till it's paid off) He says..."I'll split a 30 w/ you". I thought he had got clean. I just stared at him blankly and said no. There was no...hmmmm omg what should I do? Or....Whew, passed that test, hurray for me! No emotion what so ever. Simply a robotic "no". I just didn't care. And haven't even thought of it till now.
Maybe I'm stuck in my own little pity party. I hate feeling this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way was it? I was supposed to rule the world by now. Well at least be able to leave my house more than twice a week.And give a s**t about life. Maybe it's the Clonazepam taper. I'll blame it on that. That's as good an excuse as any. I do that because it's convenient and I don't have any other answers. In short...one month later and it's still same s**t different day.
yep......that about sums it up.