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Where did "me" go?

Mar 09, 2009 - 16 comments

I took shot No. 27 on Friday night and I have 21 to go.  I don't look like myself, I don't act like myself and I don't feel like myself.  So...who am I and will I ever get the feeling of "me" back?  I keep searching high and low for something that I can focus on that will make me feel better but there is nothing that strikes a spark in me.  I'm just blah, blah, blah and I'm just moving from day to day going to work and then back home to rest so I can go back to work the next day.  There isn't anything more than that now.  I can't wait for TX to be over so I can get back to feeling...feeling anything.

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427265 tn?1444076436
by justme53, Mar 09, 2009
I can relate, meakea....I'm going through much the same right now. It's an odd mix....feeling that I'm in a holding pattern now as far as anything beyond tx...and the knowing that deep changes are going on underneath it all that I can't even begin to decipher right now. Who will I emerge as? Unsettling times.......

9648 tn?1290091207
by GreatBird, Mar 09, 2009
Hopefully we will all emerge like butterflies from a chrysalis.

Are you on ADs? Wondering if that could be part of feeling disassociated and blah.  

Avatar universal
by portann, Mar 09, 2009
Dear Mea,

Remember when we were little and 'old' people would tell us 'time flies'? We were clueless and didn't pay the slightest attention.

About midway through tx, it seemed endless.  I was lost in a kind of prison. It was almost worse when I didn't have hard-core pain, which at least provided me a raison d'etre to not think about existential issues, like 'what the heck, I have no friggin life anymore'. I felt left out of living and every time my husband went to the gym, I'd resent that he could feel so good about his work-out while I panted pulling down my panties.

Somehow, one week followed another and now I'm in week 42. What dragged for me before now seems to have flown by. All of us are astonished that I'm in the final stretch, whether it's the kids who haven't been following it much, or my husband who's been joined at the hip with me through tx. And the time seems like a drop in the bucket when I think of how much  better it will be to live the rest of my life without HCV, if I'm lucky enough to SVR.

Now I'm feeling mostly scared of what I'll find at the end of tx but it's very exciting, too. Some things just don't seem as important as they did and I think that's for the good. I hope so - it would be nice to think that 48 weeks of prison will provide me greater strength. It sure has been costly, though.

And time does fly, at least when you're looking back with a foggy noodle brain.

xoxo

Port

Avatar universal
by Deb_c430, Mar 09, 2009
to true Port,

Your still in there,  we are always changing, the disconnection I feel a lot. partly from ADS partly to protect yourself.

One day you will be done with this,  you will find you again, only a stronger  person,  there is a sense of pride in knowing you accomplished something so hard, so intense.  

Send you hugs!


deb

276730 tn?1327962946
by charm27, Mar 09, 2009
I was in the same boat...Please KNOW this will get better after TX. I truly thought I would be damaged for the rest of my life!!!!

YOU WILL GET BETTER SOON AS YOU FINISH.
Look up!! Even  though it feels impossible! Keep you head to the sky!

I hated myself on tx. It was awful.

KEEP THE FAITH I PROMISE YOU --YOU WILL BE FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE
CHARM

320078 tn?1278344720
by rita863, Mar 09, 2009
I know that feeling, I was working two jobs, running like crazy started tx and 8 weeks into it, I was falling apart.  The rash, the hair loss, mouth sores etc....

Like Charm said you come back.  I feel bette each day. almost myself!!!

Stay positive you can get through this!!!!!

I was def. a non believer that I would not  finish, or ever feel the same,  I did finish and I do feel like me!!(thanks to eveyrone here)

peace
rita

Avatar universal
by meakea, Mar 09, 2009
OMGosh!!!  After reading these comments I have freaking tears streaming down my face (and I'm at work for pete's sake)!!!  

Justme, my MN neighbor, glad I'm not the only one that feels unsettled...though I'm not wishing it on anyone.

GreatBird:  No, I'm not on ADs and that's probably part of the problem.  I tried 2 different ADs at around week 4 and then around week 8 (Celexa and Zoloft) and they both pushed me over the edge as far as having far too many physical side effects on top of the TX side effects for me to function.  I do have PRN Xanax to use but I don't use them very often.  I definitely feel depressed a couple of days a week but it does lift but I'm still left with this "dull - not me" feeling.

Portann, every time I read a post or comment by you I feel like it was written by me.  Yes, I feel left out of living every time my hubby goes to a movie and dinner with our kids (when I'm too noodle-like to be able to get myself ready to go) or when he goes cross country skiing with his buds (normally it would have been me) and so on.  I'm glad to hear that you had the same mid-point prison feeling and that it does get better.

Deb:  Yes, I do hope I am even better/stronger afterwards.  ...that we ALL are!

Charm:  Oh, girl...you took the words right out of my mouth too -- I hate myself on TX!!!  In fact, I've had a couple of breakdowns in front of my hubby and those were the exact words I screamed.  I think I scared him because it probably sounded like I was getting suicidal or something, but it wasn't that at all.  I just hate myself on TX, I can't say it any better than that.  A week or so ago, I woke up one morning and I had a tiny fleeting glimpse of the normal me...hard to explain...it was just a good feeling inside me - one where I wanted to get out of bed and go take on the day.  As I said, it only lasted a fleeting moment but it was there -- just enough to let me know that I'm still in here somewhere.  Maybe it's like a hibernation.


Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and your own experiences.  I always figured I was pretty tough but this TX has brought me to my knees.  I'm still crawling towards that light at the end of the tunnel - I promise.





Avatar universal
by meakea, Mar 09, 2009
Rita...my post crossed with yours.  Thanks for your words too!!  You have inspired me to chop my hair off even shorter.  I started with shoulder-length hair, cut it to chin length (which I hate) and now it's time to go the short spikey look.  I love your pics.  Maybe spicing my look up with perk ME up.  :)

320078 tn?1278344720
by rita863, Mar 09, 2009
You sound so much better!!!!  You needed a lift!  Cut the hair its wonderful no blowdryer or straigtner!!!! wash gel and spike
!!!!!

Go for it!

388154 tn?1306361691
by comeagain, Mar 09, 2009
Isos husband has a T shirt with the text IT SUUCKS TO BE ME  ( I`ve put in an extra u there in case of deleting )

When i saw that I think thats the T shirt for me ,  maybe we have to order a lot of them !!LOL Glad I´m not alone!!

Its gonna be better meakea I promise now 12 weeks post I only wish I had a T shirt like that some times and change it now and then to another one that says IT ROCKS TO BE ME!!

you just fine meakea be well and good luck with tx!!

ca

Avatar universal
by skersj, Mar 09, 2009
I took shot # 28 Sunday and you perfectly described how I am feeling lately.  I just keep telling myself that this will end and the future is worth it. I just want the next year to be over with. But then I remember that even this is part of my life and try not to wish it away but try to learn something from it. It is just so hard to learn anything when I am just so darn tired all the time. Keep the faith.

Avatar universal
by Deb_c430, Mar 09, 2009
I  love ritas haircut! Just not sure it woul work on me, I have a longish face!

We do need tshirt.

338734 tn?1377160168
by IAmTheWalrus, Mar 09, 2009
TX really suucks, but it does end and you will feel better after it is over. Just keep telling yourself that. You just have to get through it. Good luck.

Brent

412873 tn?1329174455
by Isobella, Mar 09, 2009
Meakea...so sorry to hear you are in a rough patch...the middle part of tx stinks.  I'm at #32 (or #31)

I keep asking who that is ahead of me in the tunnel....they are blocking the light, lol!  I think we all just need to keep pushing (and pulling) each other on.  The Class of 2008 gave us alot to look forward to.  It will be nice to get to the point they are at and have our lives back.

Until then...I was going to suggest getting your hair done as a little pick me up.  I read you already got the hair cut-so that is good.  My hair dresser has been great.  I go in on Wednesdays for my "do" shampoo.  What is it about they way they blow dry that make us look so good.??  (ok, looking good is relative on tx, but you know what I mean.  i personally am looking hag-like and hating it =(  

I got the "it succcckss to be me" t-shirt from the play "Avenue Q"  as a joke for hubbys Christmas present because he is always complaining about something.  See what happens when you mix Riba rage and Christmas shopping, lol!  It did give us all a laugh tho.

Every day we are one day closer.  Hang in there---soon it's  gonna be like ca says--- it Rocks to be Us!!!!!

Isobella



Avatar universal
by portann, Mar 10, 2009
Dear Mea,

Wanted to pop in to say hi.

Just when I thought spring was coming, we had another snowfall last night. Guess I won't pull out the cross-country skis!

This time next year you and I will more than make up for it. We'll show those hubbies of ours and leave them far behind on the trails, as they struggle to keep up with their phenomenal wives.


xoxo
Port

317787 tn?1473358451
by Dee1956, Aug 25, 2011
Hi there, I know this is an old post but it is new to me.  I came here to look up your information after you were so kind to respond to pegintron denial a couple of days ago.
I know exactly how you felt, first time around I lost what was the essence of "me"  It took a long time for it to come back, as I prepare for the new (and hopefully final) tx I pray that I will not disappear completely during this tx.  It scares me very much.  I don't want to tx but I also do not want to feel this old for the rest of my life.  I am tired and weak all the time from the Hepc/Cirrhosis.
I want to thank you for your response and for this journal which helped me very much
Dee

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