Mar 10, 2009
You guys are all great! I'm so much better today just from having people understand and say "I've been there"...etc.
I have to tell you all about something really coincidental that happened concerning my journal post yesterday. Sunday night I started reading a book called The Grief Club by Melody Beattie. The reason I decided to read this particular book is because a co-worker suggested it to me because of all the "grief" I have gone through in the past year...not necessarily all loss by death...but other things too. My family has always been a very blessed family over the years in that we have really never had any catastrophies, etc...until 2008. First was my shocking dx of Hep C, then my middle son was injured in Iraq 5 times and when he came home from Iraq he was immediately diagnosed with testicular cancer (he had surgery, radiation and we expect 95% success from that), then my beloved sister-in-law died after a 13 year battle with breast cancer, my brother in law went through prostate cancer surgery, another sister-in-law was dx'd and tx'd for breast cancer, then my sister was dx'd with breast cancer and she had her surgery last week. It was one heck of a year! Ever since I found out I have Hep C, there's been someone else to worry about so I never really dealt that much with me. I postponed the start of my TX so I could get my son through his cancer treatment and then I started my TX in September and continued to stuff everything.
After reading the first few chapters of this book, I realized that I've been stuffing everything and putting on my POSITIVE face instead of dealing with anything and it's been taking a toll on me. Yesterday, I decided to put something really, really honest in my journal instead of the positive face stuff and BAM! just like that you guys came to me and said some things that just blew me away and I immediately felt better than I have since last April when I first found out I have Hep C.
Last night, I was reading another chapter in this book and it totally explained what happened yesterday. I'm going to quote a paragraph from that book (this is good stuff): "It's not easy to have faith when we're burning in the fire. We're not all going to get our miracles. More times than not, the miracle we get is life as-is and no guarantees. Plain faith, the kind most of us have been schooled in, applied to tomorrow. It says, Things are going to be okay---if and when we get our happy ending. When we talk to someone who has been where we are, we get the courage to have radical faith--the extraordinary kind. It's powerful when somebody looks us in the eye and tells us we can do it and we are okay, because he/she has been where we're at. Our bodies respond right down to our cells. There's enough disaster and pain in our world. Make a contribution. Give people some hope."
Okay...you guys gave me the radical faith...and that is why I feel like a new person this morning. You all made a contribution!! Thank you all!
I've been so programed over the years to believe that we all need to be positive all the time and not let negative feelings get to us so I've stuffed and stuffed. I even believed that if I talked about my true hurt about something to people, it would actually be disrespectful to others who have a bigger hurt. I do believe in being positive but I'm realizing that it's okay to feel pain and express it...just like I did yesterday. Today, I am refreshed and I truly do feel positive -- but only because I let myself express and accept help from you all.
Oh...and another huge coincidence. Melody Beattie (the author) has Hep C but I didn't know that until I got into the first few chapters of this book. Not much has been said about it in the book yet but I see there's a chapter coming up. I am totally curious about her feelings and experiences with Hep C and I can't wait to read that part.
I hope you all have a great day and know that you contributed yesterday!