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Where did "me" go, part 2.  The reveal!

Mar 10, 2009 - 8 comments

You guys are all great!  I'm so much better today just from having people understand and say "I've been there"...etc.

I have to tell you all about something really coincidental that happened concerning my journal post yesterday.  Sunday night I started reading a book called The Grief Club by Melody Beattie.  The reason I decided to read this particular book is because a co-worker suggested it to me because of all the "grief" I have gone through in the past year...not necessarily all loss by death...but other things too.  My family has always been a very blessed family over the years in that we have really never had any catastrophies, etc...until 2008.  First was my shocking dx of Hep C, then my middle son was injured in Iraq 5 times and when he came home from Iraq he was immediately diagnosed with testicular cancer (he had surgery, radiation and we expect 95% success from that), then my beloved sister-in-law died after a 13 year battle with breast cancer, my brother in law went through prostate cancer surgery, another sister-in-law was dx'd and tx'd for breast cancer, then my sister was dx'd with breast cancer and she had her surgery last week.  It was one heck of a year!  Ever since I found out I have Hep C, there's been someone else to worry about so I never really dealt that much with me.  I postponed the start of my TX so I could get my son through his cancer treatment and then I started my TX in September and continued to stuff everything.

After reading the first few chapters of this book, I realized that I've been stuffing everything and putting on my POSITIVE face instead of dealing with anything and it's been taking a toll on me.  Yesterday, I decided to put something really, really honest in my journal instead of the positive face stuff and BAM! just like that you guys came to me and said some things that just blew me away and I immediately felt better than I have since last April when I first found out I have Hep C.

Last night, I was reading another chapter in this book and it totally explained what happened yesterday.  I'm going to quote a paragraph from that book (this is good stuff):  "It's not easy to have faith when we're burning in the fire.  We're not all going to get our miracles.  More times than not, the miracle we get is life as-is and no guarantees.  Plain faith, the kind most of us have been schooled in, applied to tomorrow.  It says, Things are going to be okay---if and when we get our happy ending.  When we talk to someone who has been where we are, we get the courage to have radical faith--the extraordinary kind.  It's powerful when somebody looks us in the eye and tells us we can do it and we are okay, because he/she has been where we're at.  Our bodies respond right down to our cells.  There's enough disaster and pain in our world.  Make a contribution.  Give people some hope." guys gave me the radical faith...and that is why I feel like a new person this morning.  You all made a contribution!!  Thank you all!  

I've been so programed over the years to believe that we all need to be positive all the time and not let negative feelings get to us so I've stuffed and stuffed.  I even believed that if I talked about my true hurt about something to people, it would actually be disrespectful to others who have a bigger hurt.  I do believe in being positive but I'm realizing that it's okay to feel pain and express it...just like I did yesterday.  Today, I am refreshed and I truly do feel positive -- but only because I let myself express and accept help from you all.

Oh...and another huge coincidence.  Melody Beattie (the author) has Hep C but I didn't know that until I got into the first few chapters of this book.  Not much has been said about it in the book yet but I see there's a chapter coming up.  I am totally curious about her feelings and experiences with Hep C and I can't wait to read that part.

I hope you all have a great day and know that you contributed yesterday!

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Avatar universal
by portann, Mar 10, 2009
You're an angel, Mea, that's all I can say for now, while I absorb all this. Thank you. I was very moved, as anyone who 'stuffs it' would be.

And I'll definitely check out Beattie's book.


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by justme53, Mar 10, 2009
Also interestingly, Melody Beattie is dealing with HCV too.......

I think most of us women are inveterate "stuffers" keeping a smile on our face, a stiff upper lip and all. And when we vent our feelings through tears, we can be labeled as emotional...falling apart. When in my mind, I'm just venting to make room for more strength to filter in........

You're an amazingly strong woman, Meakea to have gone through all you did in the past year and still continue to give. I'm in awe.......Pam

Avatar universal
by meakea, Mar 10, 2009
Justme53...  I didn't know that Ms. Beattie had Hep C until I got into the first chapter or so of the book.  So far, not much has been said about it but I do see that there is a chapter coming up on specifically that issue.  I can't wait to read her take on it.

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by GreatBird, Mar 10, 2009
That's powerful! Such a good thing to realize.

Avatar universal
by tlg1991, Mar 10, 2009
I definitely have to get that book .  Thanks for sharing were all in it together.

God Bless

Avatar universal
by meakea, Mar 10, 2009
Okay, I just skimmed through the Hep C chapter and I was a bit disappointed to see that the author is a Lloyd Wright follower and he, of course, has lots of bad things to say about interferon.  I was hoping for more than that from her...I'm not saying the Lloyd Wright way is wrong or right...I was just hoping for more from her.

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by Isobella, Mar 10, 2009
So here you come...fresh off one of the "bad" days....and post something that lifts us all up.

You're awesome!  Thank you =)  

Now, gotta run and buy that book!!

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by lalapple, Mar 10, 2009
ah sorry i missed your part 1, i just read it and i'm with ya!  never really expected to be on so many drugs, and i'm just school and home everyday besides sleep.  life has definitely been harder during tx, internal and external factors (really).  it's always nice to have encouragement and keeping a positive attitude, you're already more than half way through!  go meakea!

ps. Eric read me a poem by Robert Frost once.  Stopping by the woods, it's quite amazing when i revisited it.  i've gone through most of Frost by highschool and never really thought much of his poems,  until it really applied to what's happening to me:

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

i found a deeper meaning in this poem.  the deep woods and the dark evening feel like a hole that i dug myself in with this tx, i feel like i'm losing myself but i can't prevent it from happening.  having 800 friends on facebook didn't matter since tx started.  nobody cared and i talked to nobody about tx.  but there was only that handful of friends and amazing people on medhelp that are my little horses they encourage me to move on, get out of the woods bc i have promises to keep, promises of maybe good health, maybe less hampered potentials in my future, something to look forward to, i have goals and my little horses are reminding me to not forget them, not forget my purpose.. therefore we all have miles to go and miles to go, no matter how hard, this isn't our place to stop, gotta make it to the finish line.

oh gosh, even shedding a little tear makes my head hurt these days, and i thought it was just that Neupogen!  but i must get out of that ditch and crawl out, if i have to, clean without a single virus left.  don't ever want it to come back!


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