Mar 11, 2013
So this weekend my new love interest came over and we spent saturday night together. I'm not sure how I feel right now about him. I do really like him but also I'm not sure if this is a good idea. Maybe I just needed to meet him to find myself to have him open me up and explore a little. To prepare me for my true love. Or is he my true love? How do we know ? I'm so confused.
Something I want to take note of is the way we are in bed together. I always knew I was a little different because of the things I watch in porn that turn me on. I have rape fantasies and enjoy watching women get brutally F'ed.. I always wanted to ask for more rough things with old bf's but I always felt that I would be viewed as crazy or something but my current guy accepts it and he is the same way as me. This weekend he choked me during sex to the point where I thought I would pass out... and I loved it. He threw me over and placed my body how he wanted it and pulled my hair. It hurt so good.
I guess the reason I find this behavior important to take note on is because I'm wondering if my pleasure in this has anything to do with the abuse I was subject to as a young child. I'm a work in progress here and I wish I could find help or have a therapist to maybe... i dont know.. give me a label.. so I don't feel frustrated or crazy...
Right now I feel like I'm holding back from really falling for this guy because I know that I can't allow myself to really get crazy since he and I share so many mutual friends. I don't want my name getting out there. and I know I have the tendency to go totally crazy. In fact I've already done some stupid things to him.... I texted him mean things from a different number. He was involved in a situation last year that hurt him and he got really depressed. He lost his gf over it and his job and now is back in school to get his masters degree to get a career change. I won't go into details here but he messed up big time and yes he paid for it. I actually found out myself when I googled his name and I was embarrassed to be dating him and mad that he didn't tell me and I had to ask him. Anyway so I texted him and said nasty things...why? I have no idea.... I was just mad at him because I saw he liked some girls pictures on instagram. I wanted him to feel like **** for it but not know that I was the one who wanted it .. This is the kind of stuff that has my mind confused. How could I do that to someone I like? How could in that moment I suddenly think he is a nasty piece of ****. ??