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Mar 11, 2013 - 0 comments

mood tracker

Physically I hurt all day.  My sons father came over today to tell me that he doesn't have anywhere to sleep, he took off work for the week because it is so bad there for some reason, and that I am raising my son wrong.  I keep telling him that he can sleep here if he needs to and he won't tell me why he won't, so that is his issue to work out.  I do not know what is going on with his job he just says that it is not good for him.  He is looking for apt. on the web.  I asked him if he picked up a renters mag. from the grocery store, he sayed no.  I suggested he do that after he left here, but he probably won't, again another issue he has to deal with.  Then he said that he doesn't like spending time here because the hub is in the living room.  He said that when he was a kid and all the kids he knows have their own room that they are in most of the time.  I stated that I grew up like that too and I found it very lonely and depressing.  He said what can he do out here all night.  I stated he can watch tv for a while if he is good at school, all his toys are in the front room because otherwise he plays with them when it is time to be sleeping.  He has games, puzzles, books, and coloring and painting stuff.  What can't he do that he would be able to do in his room, ALONE, instead?  When he did have his own room he never went in there because he always wanted someone with him and he was afraid to be in his room.  I just do not get him.  My basic way of life is wrong to him.  He says all me and my daughter do is watch tv.  So what?  I am in pain most of everyday.  What else am I ganna do?  And yes, I have shows that I like to watch just about every night of the week.  I do not neglect my kids.  I play with my son, read to him, play games with him, do math with him on the couch.  I praise his creativity in drawing and painting.  Sometimes he even reads to me and I praise that.  Am I not supposed to be around my son and be able to see and praise all the great things he is capable of?  Should I just let him sit in his room and do god knows what with no reinforcement or punishment?  I mean yes, he gets into things being in the front of the house, but so what?  He is punished and that is the end of it.  I got better during the day because my son was good at school today.  He felt so proud and I was able to reinforce that and tell him good job.  Then it was time for bed and me to start cleaning for the family visit tomm.  He didn't want to go to bed, which happens eveynight.  I am still in a lot of pain since I hurt myself.  Every bend over was excrusiating.  Then I talked to my grandma on the phone, which I do every night, and naturally she is telling me to not think about the pain.  WHAT?  I wish I could not think about the pain.  I mean she takes a tylenol and she feels better, I am on fentanyl, which I exchanged with morphine, and vicodin.  I think my pain is a little worse then hers, to say the least.  Then she turns it into who's pain is worse and tells me about my aunt, who had knee surgery, and how she goes to work everyday and is on her feet for 8 hrs.  Again, no narcotics.  And, if they were so bad off that they needed narcotics then they should speak up to their damn doctors and get on it.  Otherwise, shut up.I don't know why I even talk to my grandma sometimes.  But, she is the only adult I really talk to, ever, so I guess that is why.  I just don't understand why she has to be on my *** all the time, especially about my pain, which she knows nothing about.  Anyway, I have more cleaning to do tomm. and I don't know how I am going to get it all done by myself and not have to lay down for the rest of the night.  But, I will, and if anyone says anything I am going to kill someone, figuratively of course.  See more on suicidal thought on pain tracker journal for today.

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