Mar 19, 2013 - 12 comments

So I havent been on here for any extended amount of time in a few weeks. I am feeling better each day but I still tire very easily. Yesterday I had my stent placed and it should be temporary for 2months. Im feeling bleh from that still and having blood in my urine still, if it contines tomorrow I have to call the Dr.

I see my GYN on Friday and hope to get the ok to lift Quinlan again,its been a long 3weeks. She misses mommy picking her up. We get snuggles in but its not the same.

I have had a few moments. One came after a visit from 2 friends and their daughters. Quinlan had so much fun! She loves kids and loves playing. After everyone went home I got to thinking how sad I am for her.  She will never have a play mate. She will be a only child. I mean we will get her involved in as much as we can, and you never know what is in our future but right now adoption isnt a thought or even a possiblity.

I am so thankful that I was able to have such an amazing wonderful little girl. I know some dont even get to have that.
But I have to say. I feel so angry, angry that here I am 29 almost 30 yrs old and I had my organs ripped out because of a disease most people know nothing about or have even heard of!
It affecrts 1 in 10 woman yet there is no cure? Things like this really make me mad

I fought the Endo long and I fought hard nomatter what in the end hell ya I won. I kicked ***. I got my miracle. But it still pisses me the F off!!!!

I know this journal doesnt make much sense and its rambling as most of my journals are they are my release my way to get off my chest what is eating at me

Im not sure how I feel about MH anymore either. I love each and every single one of the wonderful ladies I have met, and I am so happy that we have been there for one another and seen each other get our bab/ies.
But it seems like thats it. So many have just moved on. In the past for example I had so much support when I was going through surgeries. This was my escape I couldnt wait to get on this site and see the lovely notes and know these woman I never even met cared more about those close to me

Dont get me wrong. I know how precious time is and I too much rather be spending it with my DD, I just know many ladies have been feeling like this and I just wonder what has changed so much with MH in the last 3yrs?
This too makes me sad.

well thats enough rambling for now. Im tired and just want to say thank you to everyone who has checked in I will do my best to get back to you soon


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by retta483, Mar 19, 2013
I'm so sorry :( It makes me sad that you don't get that choice . I'm a only Child and had a good child hood . Let's home Miss Q gives you lot's of Grandbabies some day . and you never know what the future holds maybe you will win the lottery !

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by butterflybabies, Mar 19, 2013
Hi hun! Glad to see your journal and see your doing ok. It is sad to be so young and go thru what you have. But I know you won't have any regrets as you did everything you could before this hysto so you won't have the what ifs looming. I know that really doesn't help when your feeling down and thinking of Q being an only child. She is so lucky to have you. You are so strong and have alot of love, I've seen it by just how supportive you have always been. I know some ladies who have disappeared from mh to. Luckily we have remained friends thru Facebook. Me personally I try to get on here as much as I can. It's not easy doing it from my phone so I have to use my computer and I don't get on my computer much. It's so much easier to get on fb from my phone, type in a few things and I feel like I never miss anything. On here I always find myself to have missed an important update from a friend and then I feel horrible about it. Anyway. I will still be here from time to time. If not you can find me on fb lol. Well I hope you get to start picking up Q cause I'm sure she misses it as much as you do! Take care of yourself and know I'm thinking of you and wishing you a speedier recovery so you can get back to doing all that you love to do!

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by Mom2boys1980, Mar 19, 2013
Don't be sad Hun...Your beautiful daughter will always have you by her side...she might not have a playmate but she will always have you to cuddle, love and cherish forever. One day you will become her best have fun with her and enjoy making new memories together. You are a wonderful MOM :-) take care

Sending you a big hug,

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by Risa615, Mar 19, 2013
Leanne, I do understand. I think everyone goes though something that makes us feel like life is unfair! I am sending you hugs and prayers. We are good listeners, just let us know what you need. We will be mad, sad, dissapointed, whatever you need along side you!

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by Helen72, Mar 19, 2013
I am so sorry you feel down.  I know how you feel, I spent 6 weeks in a hospital and missed my baby terribly!
Endo *****!  I myself have been fighting scar tissue and ovarian cysts and it's such an uphill battle.  You did win and got your miracle.  Wish you were granted another...  but Quinlan is such a gift!!!  Enjoy your little girl.  


And thank you for all your support.

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by krichar, Mar 19, 2013
I fell so sad reading this... I know you've been struggling and I'm doing everything in my power to be there for you:) I know how you feel... I truly do. I mean I know I have S but they are 11 years apart and don't have much in common...I find T staring out the window at his buddies house calling out for E all the time... And like you I too have no say in the matter.

I also understand about this site... It was such an amazing place for support and comrodery and now there seems to be a lot of nonsense and selfishness...  What can someone do for ME, why weren't you there for ME, what about ME?? No one responds to me, no one comments on my pictures.., (this isn't me saying this just repeating statuses I've seen)

You know I'm a call or text away... Ill even call you and just listen, you can scream at me it's ok :) Quinnie is am amazing little girl with a fantastic support and family. She has many friends and cousins who will fill the shoes of a sibling without having to share her mommy ;) (((hugs))) to you my dear dear friend

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by JennaRie, Mar 19, 2013
Good to hear from you - hope you recover quickly and can pick up your sweet girl again soon! Your feelings about the hysterectomy are totally normal - even though you got your miracle baby, you are still experiencing a huge loss :( I hate that for you, but hope that you can heal from the emotional pain of that loss and that Q will fill your life with so much joy that you will someday soon be able to think about it without hurting. If you decide to take a break from MH, I hope you message me your FB info so I can still keep in touch!

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by hopeitworks, Mar 20, 2013
Ladies thank you so much. I was so down yesterday it hit me out of no where. I was fine and then suddenly I was so upset, and crying.
I know my hormones are adjusting and I am still grieving this wholeprocess
I know how extremely lucky I am to have Quinlan and I am forever grateful and will never ever
forget that. We just all have days were we have the this ***** attitude

In all honesty I dont think I could ever take a break. I would miss you all so much and seeing your little ones growing and learning.

I love that we can share stories and bounce  ideas off one another. This was my infertility support and now its my Mommy support. Thanks for listening ladies.

I know Im not out of the gloomy side yet but I am trying to be strong :)

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by Sherri90049, Mar 20, 2013
Think of you often, sweetie! I'm so sorry for your ordeal. I'm sure it will take a bit of time to work through all this. And I can't imagine what the hormone levels are doing! We are all here for you and love you! xx

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by mhv, Mar 23, 2013
We love you Leanne!!! Mh would never be the same without you!!!!!!  Your a wonderful person, and friend :).

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by mlward3, Apr 02, 2013
Hey lady !J ust wanted to tell you I was thinking about you and praying for you….I have not been on in awhile and just got on a saw your news:( I am so sorry you have to go through all of this, you are so incredibly strong.

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by adgal, Apr 19, 2013
Hey you!

I get it. I get the frustration (on every level).  I too am realizing that my incredibly strong will is not enough to give Ryder a sibling. I want it sooo much, but every door keeps's frustrating. Just belive that we will give our kids everything we possibly can, and trust they will be ok.  And I'm wiith you girl...I can't really pick my boy up either...3 weeks.  Frustrating does not begin to explain.

As for MH...yeah, it's changed.  I'm not here much either these days. Sent you my email.  Please keep in touch (although K keeps me up to date on your  Miss you, and keep your girls pic on my fridge.  Total perfection, that's what you did!!


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