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Mar 20, 2013 - 0 comments

its early early early.  its spring equinox!  yay.  there was this book i loved as a child called 'spring begins in march' by jean little.  i think she wrote a lot of other books too that i liked.  i dont really remmeber what it was about.  but there were these other books like, peter and veronica, and i forget the rest but maybe she wrote those too.  i used to find such good books as a child.  now maybe w the internet and being a ex i sed EX addik well its hard for me to read.  i read like two sentences and put it down.  cept that gray book right.  the first one

Charlotte brot in these miniature cloth chickens for like the first day of spring.  she is so funi.  she had a whole box of em and passed them out to everyone.  aint she cute?  yah.

i ben doing a lot of think medhelp

i think, tho i managed to stay clean til today by the skin of my teeth, that i have to do somthing else for my recovery.  and yah i like have a lot of major s**t going on in my life and its hard.  boy is it hard.  some days worse than othas and.  its taxin really is.  but i need to try something like

if i can start going back to meetings and uh ...

actually talk.  i mean, talk.  like open my mouth and talk to someone at each meeting and try harder.  i know its stupid but im skeer.  so skeer to talk to ppl.  i can write.  yk i can do all my stuff and i can teach and everything like use a persona for it but to be myself well thats hard cuz.  idk like if i express an opinion or be strong about something maybe ppl wont like me so im just afray to say anythin at all just sit there mute and shy and when ppl do come up to me i can do one of two things :  1) flirt.   2) keep being bashful.

well i can try harder.  thats 3  try harder.  just to talk and be honess right ohhhhhhhhhhhh god f*ckin A

like try harder with ppl and then also i was thinkin

like with the ac i do gotta get outta there and soon but.  i maybe could just cut my losses and i was so out of that marrij anyway.  im just hurt and that will take time to heal but.  i will work on forgiving him actin like a eejit.  i really can work on that.  dont make it right and i think like.  if i can look at my own behavior and forgive myself i can maybe forgive him.  dont make it ez or right.  but yeah like being irate and f*cked up who is that helping

well its a cycle.  on my good days i can see some things and on my bad days no.

some of the stuff i do aint attractive and i can look at that honessly yes.

i dont need to do some of this stuff and some of this bad talkin and some of this nostalgizin.  


but i wonder if a person can like, be expansive and see things and be like .. idk like self actualized or i mean moving towards that and still be cool.  can u do that?  idk Meegy try it.  yite.

anyways i gotta go

still ain decided bout that apartment and i got up late as U and left the app on my nightstand but i could do it when i get home but i work l8 today

but i dont have to stop being in love with 2chainz do i?

ha ha




p.s i almos forgot to tell u my student brot in Tha Lover by Margy Duras she got it on the net and omg it is so fine!  like a lil hardback volume very slim and ohhhhh i forgot how dope this story really is and shes not done reading it, maybe she will let me borrow it when she's done.  i love this book.  i love this book!!!

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