Apr 10, 2013
I feel, like I do a lot, that I'm right on the edge of something huge. I know I've not been on here and almost a year, and that, honestly, has been a conscious decision of being afraid, exhausted, and unwilling once again to accept myself. I know it's unhealthy and unproductive to a great extent, but I just push those feelings under. It's getting easier all the time. The pretending and lying and just being completely ignorant of my self or "selves" or whatever I am. I'm in a place where there is no margin for error, no place to be weak or abnormal. There is no place for fixing myself or taking the time I need. There is only forward. ONLY forward. Only waking up and going through the motions with less than 0 motivation and just basing my current reality on the fact that sometime in the future, things will be better and I will have time for all this ****. I will have time to be human, to have feelings, to sulk and cry and scream and finally work things through.
As is, I am on pause. Feelings enter my heart/head and are instantly pushed away like a fleeting cloud on a windy day. The only thing that remains is emptiness, and the sickly sweet and worn-out phrases people tell themselves to supposedly feel better. That is all I have. That is all I am. I am not me. I am not a person. I am so many people and places and feelings. Most of which feel real in the moment. Others I know are contrived because I purposely become a fake person to be "nice." Yes I make friends sometimes simply because it is easier and less scary than making an enemy. I make friends sometimes because I think that at some point in the future, it might be beneficial to me, like an investment of sorts. I only truly feel friendship for a few people, and those few people are each friends with a different person. I'm slightly tailored for each person with a different cut or style, color or print, basically the same garment in some cases, completely different in others. Things are only what they are but also are defined by what they are not. But what if you are and aren't at the same time?